I hated you.

The school-wide ban on gum made it precious contraband, and kids who wouldn't even chew gum at home just had to have that shit when you broke it out between classes. Couldn't do it in class, because if you even tried to sneak a piece for yourself, some needy motherfucker would be all like PSST CAN I HAVE A PIECE, risking the teacher's ire and the confiscation of your stash. Really, the safest place to distribute was on the bus, the no-man's-land between home and school where school rules seemed to apply a little less the closer you were to home.

Practically everybody broke the no-gum rule, and not even the most priggish Goody Two-Shoes would snitch on a supplier. Sure, some tattle-tale might tell on you for CHEWING gum--particularly as a strike in some schoolyard intrigue--but no one betrayed the supplier. After all, sooner or later, anyone might want a piece.

Bubble gum was what you wanted, because its flavor lasted longer, there were better flavors available, it was more fun to chew, and you could blow bubbles with it. But it was bulky, so you couldn't store much--important if you were pressed to share your personal stuff, more important if you planned to sell it. It was typically more expensive, too, so most kids bought chewing gum. Juicy Fruit, Wrigley's Spearmint, fucking Carefree (sugarless, but practically bubble gum), pretty much anything you could cop in a Plen-T-Pack. They gave you enough to share, and they were compact, so you could hide 'em easily. And it was much easier to unfold that foil on the sneak than to fuck around with crinkly, twisted paper wraps on Super Bubble.

But Extra, especially Extra Winterfresh, was the bane of my fucking existence.

Extra is the fucking Marlboro Lights of chewing gum. Seemed like every tasteless motherfucker who ever snuck gum in his JanSport had a pack on him at all times. This scene was typical:

Fiend: Hey, man, you got some gum?

Supplier: Huh? Oh, yeah. *unzips backpack; familiar flash of white and blue packaging*

Fiend: Ugh, Extra? Fu...all right.

You'd be hard up, so you'd take it. But that shit was the antithesis of a pleasant chewing experience. The texture was all wrong. You'd pop it in your mouth, and as soon as it hit your tongue, it would just...flop. Wouldn't snap, wouldn't bend. Just go soft, like it didn't even have the will to live--like it didn't even have the strength to fake the funk. That cool menthol flavor would hit, pleasant enough at first, but it'd overwhelm your shit like you were chewing Certs. Fuckin' clouds of mint stank billowing out your mouth and shit, eyes just watering.

Then, it was over. Flavor vanished except for a stain of aftertaste that somehow tasted blue. The gum itself couldn't even stand up to your saliva, let alone chewing. It'd start falling apart on you, loose strings catching on your teeth and all that, until you either stuck it to the roof of your mouth (why keep the gum in your mouth if you ain't gonna chew it?) or accidentally swallowed that dishwater shit when it slipped too far back on your tongue.

Couldn't even spit the motherfucker out without disgust. Faded blue wad all tooth-marked, little bit of spit still shining. No dignity even in death. You'd work up those last few bites trying to get every last bit off your gums so you could spit it all out, and the gum would fuckin' elongate and get all thin, chewed-up worm of fucking wintry cool working its way out the side of your jaw. Take that motherfucker out with your fingertips, and you'd look at it and feel the immense disappointment and shame your parents must have known when you didn't turn out to be a piano prodigy or even that good-looking. If that gum had been your fetus, your ass would be pro-choice today.

And yet y'all bought that shit, you brought it with you to school and passed it out, and you had the nerve to fucking like it. I'd understand if you were buying that cheap shit because that's what you gave out, keeping the good stuff to yourself. And it was cheap shit. It was forever cheaper than Big Red or fuckin' Teaberry, and you know why? 'Cause nobody with functioning taste buds or a brain in his head likes Extra. No one with a soul, no one who can love or hate likes that shit. It's cheap shit for cheap shit, cud for people who find Doublemint a little too adventurous, people who can watch Maury Povich in anything more than Youtube doses.

And you liked it. The one point of fucking common ground I had with you was the gum thing, la cosa scolastica nostra. We broke the rules, and we could have broken them together, could have fuckin' cultivated the capacity to question authority and learned the right of our instincts for what is good and righteous...

...but you liked Extra. You were the enemy of sense and feeling, the end of joy. I reached out to you with a need--hey, man, do you have any gum?--and you fell so far short that the gulf between us has been widening ever since. Gum was the flower in the prison yard, you stupid son of a bitch: the one beautiful thing any of us had, the greatest gift we could have asked for, because it would have led us to ourselves so much sooner all the dumb-fuck kid mistakes we had to suffer through to wrest experience out of life drop by drop. There's nothing between you and me now but those crumpled foil wrappers, each one tainted by Winterfresh powder, and I will never stop hating you for it.

[Edited on June 12, 2009 at 4:53 PM. Reason : ...]

6/12/2009 4:40:57 PM

i thought this was about having like 4 dollar lunches compared to the default $1.25

6/12/2009 4:42:19 PM

word(s).

6/12/2009 4:42:44 PM

I hated you.

The school-wide ban on gum made it precious contraband, and kids who wouldn't even chew gum at home just had to have that shit when you broke it out between classes. Couldn't do it in class, because if you even tried to sneak a piece for yourself, some needy motherfucker would be all like PSST CAN I HAVE A PIECE, risking the teacher's ire and the confiscation of your stash. Really, the safest place to distribute was on the bus, the no-man's-land between home and school where school rules seemed to apply a little less the closer you were to home.

Practically everybody broke the no-gum rule, and not even the most priggish Goody Two-Shoes would snitch on a supplier. Sure, some tattle-tale might tell on you for CHEWING gum--particularly as a strike in some schoolyard intrigue--but no one betrayed the supplier. After all, sooner or later, anyone might want a piece.

Bubble gum was what you wanted, because its flavor lasted longer, there were better flavors available, it was more fun to chew, and you could blow bubbles with it. But it was bulky, so you couldn't store much--important if you were pressed to share your personal stuff, more important if you planned to sell it. It was typically more expensive, too, so most kids bought chewing gum. Juicy Fruit, Wrigley's Spearmint, fucking Carefree (sugarless, but practically bubble gum), pretty much anything you could cop in a Plen-T-Pack. They gave you enough to share, and they were compact, so you could hide 'em easily. And it was much easier to unfold that foil on the sneak than to fuck around with crinkly, twisted paper wraps on Super Bubble.

But Extra, especially Extra Winterfresh, was the bane of my fucking existence.

Extra is the fucking Marlboro Lights of chewing gum. Seemed like every tasteless motherfucker who ever snuck gum in his JanSport had a pack on him at all times. This scene was typical:

Fiend: Hey, man, you got some gum?

Supplier: Huh? Oh, yeah. *unzips backpack; familiar flash of white and blue packaging*

Fiend: Ugh, Extra? Fu...all right.

You'd be hard up, so you'd take it. But that shit was the antithesis of a pleasant chewing experience. The texture was all wrong. You'd pop it in your mouth, and as soon as it hit your tongue, it would just...flop. Wouldn't snap, wouldn't bend. Just go soft, like it didn't even have the will to live--like it didn't even have the strength to fake the funk. That cool menthol flavor would hit, pleasant enough at first, but it'd overwhelm your shit like you were chewing Certs. Fuckin' clouds of mint stank billowing out your mouth and shit, eyes just watering.

Then, it was over. Flavor vanished except for a stain of aftertaste that somehow tasted blue. The gum itself couldn't even stand up to your saliva, let alone chewing. It'd start falling apart on you, loose strings catching on your teeth and all that, until you either stuck it to the roof of your mouth (why keep the gum in your mouth if you ain't gonna chew it?) or accidentally swallowed that dishwater shit when it slipped too far back on your tongue.

Couldn't even spit the motherfucker out without disgust. Faded blue wad all tooth-marked, little bit of spit still shining. No dignity even in death. You'd work up those last few bites trying to get every last bit off your gums so you could spit it all out, and the gum would fuckin' elongate and get all thin, chewed-up worm of fucking wintry cool working its way out the side of your jaw. Take that motherfucker out with your fingertips, and you'd look at it and feel the immense disappointment and shame your parents must have known when you didn't turn out to be a piano prodigy or even that good-looking. If that gum had been your fetus, your ass would be pro-choice today.

And yet y'all bought that shit, you brought it with you to school and passed it out, and you had the nerve to fucking like it. I'd understand if you were buying that cheap shit because that's what you gave out, keeping the good stuff to yourself. And it was cheap shit. It was forever cheaper than Big Red or fuckin' Teaberry, and you know why? 'Cause nobody with functioning taste buds or a brain in his head likes Extra. No one with a soul, no one who can love or hate likes that shit. It's cheap shit for cheap shit, cud for people who find Doublemint a little too adventurous, people who can watch Maury Povich in anything more than Youtube doses.

And you liked it. The one point of fucking common ground I had with you was the gum thing, la costa scolastica nostra. We broke the rules, and we could have broken them together, could have fuckin' cultivated the capacity to question authority and learned the right of our instincts for what is good and righteous...

...but you liked Extra. You were the enemy of sense and feeling, the end of joy. I reached out to you with a need--hey, man, do you have any gum?--and you fell so far short that the gulf between us has been widening ever since. Gum was the flower in the prison yard, you stupid son of a bitch: the one beautiful thing any of us had, the greatest gift we could have asked for, because it would have led us to ourselves so much sooner all the dumb-fuck kid mistakes we had to suffer through to wrest experience out of life drop by drop. There's nothing between you and me now but those crumpled foil wrappers, each one tainted by Winterfresh powder, and I will never stop hating you for it.

6/12/2009 4:47:09 PM

6/12/2009 4:47:39 PM

Dear FroshKiller,

I have long enjoyed reading your long posts. You have an excellent narrative style and an impeccable ability to engage the reader. I am pleased to see you posting again.

I was my grade's supplier of Extra Classic Bubblegum. Everyone knew I had a fresh supply and it's perhaps one of the reasons I was never teased for being a huge nerd.

Sincerely,
tartsquid

6/12/2009 4:49:12 PM

Quote :

"la costa scolastica nostra"

Could be wrong, since I don't speak Italian...but isn't it cosa?

Irrelevant, of course, if you're never going to publish this elsewhere.

6/12/2009 4:50:58 PM

wtfldnr

6/12/2009 4:51:13 PM

Doesn't mint increase brain performance?

6/12/2009 4:52:00 PM

I took some red birds eye peppers, which are slightly below habanero peppers, coated them in sugar, put them in a cinnamon tic-tac container and took them to school. That was a fun day.

6/12/2009 4:52:29 PM

Don't forget those kids with Bazooka Joe.

They were always up to something.

6/12/2009 4:52:40 PM

tartsquid said:

Quote :

"I was my grade's supplier of Extra Classic Bubblegum. Everyone knew I had a fresh supply and it's perhaps one of the reasons I was never teased for being a huge nerd."

You have the right of it. You made the best choice possible in a bad situation.

DaveOT said:

Quote :

"Could be wrong, since I don't speak Italian...but isn't it cosa?"

You are absolutely right, and I edited it.

Stein said:

Quote :

"Don't forget those kids with Bazooka Joe. They were always up to something."

You, too, are absolutely right. Bazooka Joe chewers tended to be the nerdy kids who were secretly more punk rock than anyone could ever have imagined, and you never found out until they went off to college.

6/12/2009 4:59:32 PM

I sold Bubblicious in 8th grade. Made enough for lunch money.

6/12/2009 4:59:54 PM

I hated when people would chew the wrigley's brand of winterfresh because it was not a good flavor but more importantly, it reminded me of my first boyfriend. Why did everyone chew that gum at my high school? WHHHHHYYYYY??!!

6/12/2009 5:06:01 PM

tl;dr

[Edited on June 12, 2009 at 5:06 PM. Reason : \]

[Edited on June 12, 2009 at 5:07 PM. Reason : dammit]

6/12/2009 5:06:45 PM

Who sold gum in middle and high school?? They sold blow-pops in my school years.

6/12/2009 5:11:57 PM

buddy of mine in middle school sold individual sour patch straws @ like 10 cents each

6/12/2009 5:13:01 PM

^^
lol... That's what I sold.

6/12/2009 5:14:25 PM

I sold bubble gum, chewing gum, blow-pops, pixie sticks, kool-aid (we ate that right out of the package for some reason), war heads, sour patch kids stuff, pop rocks, fun dip, and the like. I made a good profit.

6/12/2009 5:16:45 PM

Quote :

"If that gum had been your fetus, your ass would be pro-choice today. "

I am glad you're posting a little more regularly

6/12/2009 5:17:12 PM

In 6th grade I started trading all my Pogs for comic books and baseball cards. I got rid of all of them and in exchange I got a 1982 Nolan Ryan, a 1979 George Brett, a bunch of assorted stars from the 70s and 80s, a year's worth of Fantastic Four, maybe 5 issues of Silver Surfer, and a bunch of other stuff I have around my parent's place somewhere. Yep, I was ahead of the crash in the Pog market. I was a smart kid.

6/12/2009 5:17:23 PM

Another comment about Winterfresh Extra:

Quote :

"And the way it'd feel almost fuckin FUZZY if you chewed on it a little too long and the taste would shift from mint to bland to some kind of evil twin of mint that was probably the chemicals in the gum base breaking down in your fucking mouth UGH Maybe that's the "Extra extra extra-long time" they were hyping."

6/12/2009 10:11:30 PM

tl;dr

6/12/2009 10:12:41 PM

Where did you people go to school? Maybe I was too poor to afford any gum, but I don't ever remember it being banned.

The precious and for profit commodity when I was coming up was Air Heads and those super sour balls (forgot their name, too lazy to google).

6/12/2009 10:20:33 PM

warheads?

6/12/2009 10:21:37 PM

I went to West Middle School and West Montgomery High School in Montgomery County. I think gum was banned mostly to curb kids sticking it under desks and shit.

The balls in question are probably Cry Babies.

[Edited on June 12, 2009 at 10:22 PM. Reason : ...]

6/12/2009 10:21:59 PM

Yes, warheads.

6/12/2009 10:23:02 PM

Warheads are more like lozenges.

[Edited on June 12, 2009 at 10:24 PM. Reason : "Are," not "were." They still make Warheads.]

6/12/2009 10:23:39 PM

Eh, I stayed out of the trade in general, I went through a stealing phase and my choice target was Certs, probably predicated on the idea that fresh breath would land me fresh snatch.

And I didn't sell my wares, that felt too...wrong. I generally snagged extras to win the cool kids as friends and to build sweet street cred.

6/12/2009 10:30:19 PM

Dear FroshKiller,

Thank you for being the flower in the prison yard that is tww.

Signed,

Everyone who reads your posts

6/13/2009 12:55:02 AM

some teachers at my school said spit it out...others didnt give a fuck

it was banned but like decriminalized

6/13/2009 1:11:34 AM

I definitely remember this. Frosh, please continue with these anecdotes. If you were to post them on say, a single blog... or website, I would probably bookmark said site.

I was the candy and gum supplier in high school.

I was the supplier of the evil you call Extra. And I discontinued my sales of Extra quickly. Why? Because, like your comparison to Marlboro lights, everyone wanted ONE PIECE but never wanted to buy a pack. You can't sell gum by the piece, it's like selling single cigarettes. You look like a douche and the buyer looks like a bum.

So Extra was replaced by Big League Chew and Bubblicious. Both sold well, were shareable and infinitely more rewarding as a merchant.

6/13/2009 3:09:44 AM

West Montgomery

I'm surprised you can read at all. GG on making it out of Montgomery county with your brain intact.

6/13/2009 3:34:57 AM

Quote :

"it's perhaps one of the reasons I was never teased for being a huge nerd."

too bad that didnt carry over to college

6/13/2009 3:36:06 AM

^^i went to school there too

class of 04!

6/13/2009 4:03:11 AM

didn't read it

6/13/2009 9:18:39 AM

sams club ftmfw

it was great until everyone figured out i was ALWAYS holding some gum, people hitting me up left and right in the hallways

6/13/2009 9:30:49 AM

Has it really been so long since I made this thread?

4/7/2010 8:40:45 AM

this thread inspired me to go chew some of the gum i have in my JanSport

4/7/2010 8:52:17 AM

I was president of the always holding some gum club.

It got so bad I got the huge packs so after bumming about half of it out I would still have some.

4/7/2010 8:54:32 AM

10/10 thread

4/7/2010 9:00:46 AM

lol gum. I remember in middle school some asshole kids in my science class coating pieces of gum with soap and then offering up pieces of gum in class. I should have known they were up to something offering their gum so freely. I popped the piece in my mouth and immediately detected something was horribly wrong. But I knew that if I reacted to the soap flavor they would be getting the satisfaction they wanted from their prank. So I kept on chewing that gum like my life and honor depended on it. Those two boys soon had a confused look on their face and I could tell they were wondering if they had given me the tainted gum or a fresh piece.

Never gave those little shits the satisfaction of tricking my naive ass.

4/7/2010 9:07:15 AM

i used to have big red everyday in middle school

4/7/2010 9:11:40 AM

cinnamon trident ftw

4/7/2010 9:16:52 AM

anybody else do the thing where you lick the white side of the big red foil and stick it to your forehead? that shit burned.

[Edited on April 7, 2010 at 9:18 AM. Reason : fdas]

4/7/2010 9:18:02 AM

when i would get bored in class I'd take my foil and line my binders with it. I did that lick and stick thing to my forehead too

4/7/2010 9:18:49 AM

i remember feeling a sense of freedom in high school when i realized that i could chew gum whenever i wanted.

very similar feeling to the time i was at orientation and a guy lit a cigarette while our group was walking around. except the gum was better, b/c i don't smoke cigarettes.

4/7/2010 9:19:33 AM

This was an important thread, and everyone deserves a chance to tl;dr

5/5/2014 4:43:14 PM

whenever someone asked me for gum, I always gave out Teaberry



everyone hated it except for me

5/5/2014 4:53:08 PM

Wrigley's "non-Extra" Winterfresh was the king of Winterfresh after it came out.

5/5/2014 4:55:31 PM