put the jokes here kthx

Quote :

"An old man was sitting on his front porch down in Louisiana watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. He yells out "Hey boy whatcha got there?" Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire." Old man says "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says "Gonna catch some chickens." The old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it. Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round thing in his hand. Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape." Old man says "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks." Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it. Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy says "It's a pussy willow." Old man says "Wait up.... I'll get my hat." "

2/18/2010 12:01:49 PM

k

2/18/2010 12:01:59 PM

for the three year anniversary, he will hold a memorial for yes, d7freestyler, catalyst, JTMONEYNCSU, halfwit, colter, Fail Boat, Førte, [user]JustGotWickd[/user], BEAVERCHEESE, cynosural, O RLY, and KG were all riding in a jeep cherokee on their way to arby's when they were struck by a train...all died instantly, except for Førte, who is in critical condition at wake med

2/18/2010 12:09:27 PM

but it's so fun to laugh it up in whatchimalongassthread!

<sub>A young couple was married and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long. Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower. He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom. When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride.

Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared and she asked shyly, "What's that?" pointing to a small part of his anatomy.

He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night."

And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"</sub>

2/24/2010 11:31:16 PM

Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder
This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,
Put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
And notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back
On the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think,
Since I'm going to be near the mailbox
When I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table,
And see that there is only one check left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
So I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking

I'm going to look for my checks,
But first I need to push the Pepsi aside
So that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Pepsi is getting warm,
And I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,
A vase of flowers on the counter
Catches my eye--they need water.

I put the Pepsi on the counter and
Discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk,
But first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter,
Fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
But I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
So I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
But first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers,
But quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table,
Get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to
Remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

The car isn't washed
The bills aren't paid
There is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter
The flowers don't have enough water,
There is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day,
And I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem,
And I'll try to get some help for it,
But first I'll check my e-mail...

2/28/2010 1:37:37 AM

Just got scammed outta $25

Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My favorite 18 holes".

Turns out it's about golf.

Damn Waste of money.

Pass this on so others don't get scammed.

2/28/2010 11:46:57 PM

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside
down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a
chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

3/1/2010 11:51:03 PM

I love the ^^^ one

3/1/2010 11:52:21 PM

A young engineer was leaving the office at 3.45 p.m. when he found the acting CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the Acting CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young engineer. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the Acting CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine, "I just need one copy."

Lesson: Never, ever, assume that your boss knows what he's doing.

3/8/2010 8:59:19 PM

PART 1: Bad joke;

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs?

||
||
||
\ /
\/

Matt.



PART 2: Blond joke:

Matt (see part 1) was lying on a beach. He had been there for some time when a voluptuous Brunette came up to him and said, " Oh, you poor thing! No arms and no legs! Have you ever been hugged?"

Matt said, "No, I can't say that I have."

The Brunette then gave him a HUG! (Not a hug, or a Hug, or even a HUG, but a HUG!)

The Brunette then went on down the beach.

A bit later, a gorgeous Redhead came up to him and said, "Oh, you poor thing! No arms and no legs! Have you ever been kissed?"

Matt said, "No, not really."

The Redhead Kissed him. (Not a kiss, or a Kiss, or even a KISS, but a KISS!)

The redhead then went on down the beach.

Some time later, a beautiful blond walked up to him. Matt thought she was the sexiest woman he had ever seen.

The blond said, "Oh, you poor thing! No arms and no legs! Have you ever been screwed?"

Matt said, "No, I really haven't!"

The Blond then said, "Well you are about to. The tide is coming in."

3/8/2010 9:05:20 PM

a B flat, D flat, and F walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says "I'm sorry we don't serve minors in here."

So the D flat leaves and the B flat and the F have an open fifth between them.




It's music theory! >.<

Btw, prairie home companion had a best of jokes show this weekend. Definitely a must listen to for some great jokes and one-liners.

[Edited on March 8, 2010 at 10:32 PM. Reason : n]

3/8/2010 10:31:54 PM

helllllo podcast!

3/8/2010 10:36:28 PM

http://prairiehome.publicradio.org/programs/2010/03/06/

3/8/2010 10:38:51 PM

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing.

"Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."

As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms. While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?"

"No!" she shrieked, aghast.

So, he dropped her. As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her

"Do you screw?" he asked.

"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself. He dropped her, too.

The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor.

"I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.

"Slut!" he said, and dropped her.

3/10/2010 1:53:23 AM

At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.

While the IRS agent was checking the books he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.

"What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."

3/11/2010 1:19:26 AM

A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter.
Noticing the length of her skirt (or lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says politely.
The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would. Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves, as he is having company for dinner.
As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what was going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view.
With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down.
After many trips she is tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try the bread herself. Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below.
She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd, staring up at her.
Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you, too?" "No," stammers the old man, "but it's a quiverin."

3/11/2010 11:56:59 AM

One day a man was walking down the street and came across another man lying in the road unconscious. Trying to revive him and save his life, he calls 9-1-1. "Please send an ambulance, this guy's dying." the man screams.
"Okay, Okay..... Just stay calm" the dispatcher says.
"Where are you"?
"We're on Sycamore Street" The man stutters while trying to start CPR.
"Sir, can you spell that", the dispatcher asks.
Let's see, the man thinks.... "Sick....no,no....Sykka....no, that's not right either....." The man yells into the phone.
"Slow down and try again, " the dispatcher urges the caller "We need to know how to find you."
Taking a deep breath, the man tries again, "Syicc.......DAMMIT", The man screams....
Tell you what, I'll just drag his ass over to Elm street, you can come get him there".

3/11/2010 12:01:42 PM

A man and his wife were awoken at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up
and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife..

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.

3/11/2010 12:07:36 PM

A retired man went into the Job Center in Downtown Denver, and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.

The clerk pulled up the file and read; "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. The annual salary is $65,000, and you'll have to go to Billings, Montana."

"Good grief; is that where the job is?"

"No sir -- that's where the end of the line is right now."

3/12/2010 12:09:56 AM

Children Writing About the Ocean...

1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)

2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (age 7)

4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend
any more. (Kylie, age 6)

5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy, age 8)

6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs.
(Millie, age 6)

7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)

8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)

9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)

10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7)

11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)

12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)

13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)

14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)

15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he
quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)

3/14/2010 11:44:39 AM

An elderly woman lived on a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border. Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for years. The widowed woman lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren.

One day, her son came into her room holding a letter. "I just got some news, Mom," he said. "The government has come to an agreement with the people in North Dakota. They've decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?"

"What do I think?" his mother said. "Sign it! Call them right now and tell them we accept! I don't think I can stand another Canadian winter!"

3/15/2010 1:14:56 AM

I ♥ the IRS one

3/15/2010 1:21:19 AM

Top Ten Signs Your Team Isn't Ready For The NCAA Basketball Tournament

10. Your mascot is starting at power forward.
9. Last guy to make a free throw graduated in '03.
8. Only thing coach has ever won is a wing-eating contest.
7. After every basket, team hits the showers.
6. Instead of practicing, team spends their time in gym decorating for college's annual spring fling.
5. Whenever player dunks, he gets caught in the net like a tuna.
4. Only ref who thinks you have a chance is the Marriage Ref -- catch the new hit show Thursdays at 10 on NBC!
3. Keep asking why you can't play in fabulous outfits like Johnny Weir.
2. You play like this guy (video of President Bush bouncing flat basketball).
1. Players are smoking even more than Obama.

3/16/2010 3:32:20 AM

Q. What’s the biggest crime committed by transvestites?

A. Male fraud.

3/17/2010 1:36:10 AM

"I spent 90% of my money on women and drink. The rest I wasted."
-George Best

3/17/2010 1:58:23 AM

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.

The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Bitches from Outer Space."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair...

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"

The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

---

3/26/2010 1:43:40 AM

I lost the pub quiz last night.

The last question was, “Where do most women have curly hair?”

...apparently the correct answer is Africa.

3/26/2010 1:44:15 AM

ahha, I lol'd

3/26/2010 8:39:10 AM

3/26/2010 8:42:09 AM

3/26/2010 9:03:48 AM

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Joe and his wife Ann listened to the instructor, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes.'

He addressed the man, 'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?'

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, 'It's Pillsbury, isn't it?'

3/29/2010 12:50:58 AM

A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.” The rancher says, “Okay, but do not go in that field over there,” as he points out the location. The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.” Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. “See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?”

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher’s big Santa Gertrudis bull! With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he’ll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs… “Your badge. Show him your BADGE!”

3/31/2010 12:18:03 AM

A gang-member was holding his 8 month old baby while his wife was in kitchen fixing lunch.

The baby murmured, "mother".

The guy gets all excited and hollers to his wife, "Hey bitch, da baby just said haf a word!"

3/31/2010 11:26:47 PM

♥

4/1/2010 11:07:23 AM

The Pope and Tiger woods died on the same day and because of an administrative mix up the Pope went to hell and Tiger Woods went to heaven. The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in hell, and after checking the paperwork admits that there is an error. "However", the clerk explains, "it would be 24 hours before it can be rectified".

Next day the Pope is called and Hell's staff bids him farewell. On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from heaven and they stop to have a chat.

"Sorry about the mix up", apologies the Pope.

"No problem" replied Tiger Woods.

Pope: "I am really anxious to get to heaven!"

Tiger: "Why is that?"

Pope: "All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary."

Tiger: "You're a day late."

4/10/2010 9:49:51 AM

NICE

from this facebook page/group:

Quote :

"A young bride and groom-to-be had just selected the wedding ring. As the girl admired the plain platinum and diamond band, she suddenly looked concerned. "Tell me," she asked the elderly salesman, "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?" With a fatherly smile, the salesman said, "One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to dip it in dishwater three times a day.""

4/14/2010 12:37:17 PM

This in fact made me laugh out loud:

and the explosm dot net thread is expired

4/16/2010 12:59:08 PM

4/16/2010 1:25:38 PM

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's desperate, so she decides to ask God for help.

She begins to pray. "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I Don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."

Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.

She again prays. "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.

Once again, she prays. "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car.. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I've always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself. "Sweetheart, work with Me on this... Buy a ticket."

4/16/2010 11:33:58 PM

4/19/2010 10:29:49 PM

City By-Laws

I just applied for a building permit for a new house.

It was going to be 100 ft tall and 400 ft wide with 9 turrets at various heights and windows all over the place and a loud outside entertainment sound system. It would have parking for 200 cars, and I was going to paint it snot green.

The Town council told me to fuck off.

So I sent in the application again, but this time I called it a Mosque.

Work starts on Monday.

4/19/2010 10:31:21 PM

I've just seen a bunch of Mexicans packed into a tiny Ford playing the macarana and eating tortillas.

I think it was a Fiesta.

4/26/2010 4:54:45 PM

Q: What's the difference between Poland and my pencil case?

A: My pencil case has a ruler.

4/27/2010 12:41:07 AM

Quote :

"George W Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check. Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check. Finally George W Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00. When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply. The devil smiles and replies: "Since Obama took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call.""

4/27/2010 4:53:44 PM

is this a fleetwud appreciation thread?

cause I want to appreciate him.

4/27/2010 4:55:46 PM

BAHZINGAH!

4/27/2010 4:56:10 PM

Top Ten Thoughts That Went Through George W. Bush's Mind As He Wrote His Memoirs

10."What's a memoir?"
09."Is 36 pages enough?"
08."You know who was a great band? Foghat!"
07."Taco break!"
06."How cool is it that I was President? Come on, up high!"
05."Jerky break!"
04."Chapter Eight: The day I went 5-for-5 in White House T-ball."
03."What? Ricky Martin's gay?"
02."Do you spell nucular with 2 'o's or an 'e-w'?"
01."Shouldn't Cheney be the one writing this?"

---

A teacher asks a redneck girl to use "handsome" in a sentence.

She says, "When I'm suckin' dick and my jaw gets sore I use my handsome."

4/30/2010 12:57:58 AM

Q: How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?

A: Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out!

5/2/2010 10:31:09 PM

My wife's just like Heather Mills.

She only wears half the fucking shoes she buys.

5/3/2010 11:15:21 PM

* The last movement of Beethoven’s 9th symphony features the melody played by the double bass, which is so soft they need like 12 of them to play it loud enough to be heard. They only play at the beginning and very end of the last movement, so there’s a huge stretch in the middle with nothing for them to do. The story goes that once, all the bass players snuck out to a local watering hole and proceeded to get smashed. Suddenly realizing they were going to be late getting back, the section leader reassured them: he had tied the last few pages of the conductor’s musical score (before their entrance) with twine. When they finally made it back on stage, though, the conductor was furious; and with good reason:

It was the end of the 9th, the score was tied, and the basses were loaded.

5/5/2010 12:19:04 PM