http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2010/05/deposed-by-a-darkly-complected-lummox-what-fate-is-this-for-a-quartered-back.html

(This is about Bengals quarterback J.T. O'Sullivan BTW)

Quote :

" One can say a great many things about life in Cincinnatus, but surely one claim that cannot be issut is that it is unmarked by turbulence. ‘Twas only last week that word arrived that the Bengali Tygers (who still favor me with employ for who knows how much longer) contracted another brigand for the purposes of footballing. Have I joint a footballing squadron or a penal colony? This is only meant a clever jape, but sometimes I wonder. The ruffian in question is said to have once been known by the appellation “Packman”. Bully, I thought, a fellow from the shipyards. A blue-collar laborer much like myself. However, when I approacht him and asked which vessels he had packt cargo, he responded with a lengthy list of women’s vaginae. Now, my sensibilities are as sensitive as the next Irishman’s, which is to say, as numb as an opponent’s face in the 8th round, but these statements scandalizet me. More troubling is the legend told that he once made the sky rain paper currency. Heavens! Who knows what other sorcery this voodoo priest is capable of concocting. I think it best to keep my distance. Haymakers (for all their strength) achieve little effect against the dark arts. By steering clear, I had hoped this would been the temporary end of the dolors. But no, as if by incantation by the voodoo priest Packman himself, more dolors arrived. Just last day, the strange Negroid Spaniard, using his mystical birdspeak device, made a communique that the Bengali Tygers were to acquire the quartered back JaMarcus Russell. A number of things rankle me about this. Firstly, the Tygers are sufficient at the quartered backing position. There is Good Sir Palmer. There is Palmer the Younger. There is myself. Perhaps it is only the vainglory speaking, but that strikes me as enough. Another quartered back will disrupt the balance. Yes, Good Sir Palmer travailed last season, but one must place faith in their appointed leader. Penultimately, his name: JaMarcus Russell. It is the tradition of those of Afrikan extraction to favor odd twists when naming their brood. Were he a man of Irish extraction, he would have a honorable moniker, such as McMarcus O’Russell. If I should ever cross paths again with Packman, I will suggest he grant this name to his next unintended son. Lastly, while little is scientifically known about the dark continent of Afrika, explorers have noted that in Akrikan tribes, those of great social stature are also those of large physique. And if this JaMarcus is anything, he is largely physiquet. I fear this means he is held is high esteem. But, ultimately, I care not. Mother O’Sullivan, saint that she is, did not raise her son to shrink from a challenge. I have bested large men in the past. An advantage in size does not equal an advantage in will. Once, I fought a rotund cur who issut choice words about the quality of mother’s potato stew. He appeart imposing, yet I barely connected with one haymaker and the man could not be roused until the next day. If the Bengali Tygers see it fitting to import malefactors and large Afrikan quartered backs, they will have to also deal with a cuss of an Irishmen, for he will not be dispatcht with ease. Ho!"

5/13/2010 1:53:07 PM

haha, i laughed many a time when reading this

a+

5/13/2010 1:55:42 PM

holy shit this has to be transcribing something



what is is this is hilarious i love this (and no i havent seen this yet)

5/13/2010 1:57:02 PM

Quote :

"Were he a man of Irish extraction, he would have a honorable moniker, such as McMarcus O’Russell."

lolllllll

5/13/2010 2:03:38 PM

i must emphasize that this was an enjoyable 5 reads

5/13/2010 2:27:45 PM

It's funny.

And I miss FireJoeMorgan.com

5/13/2010 2:49:27 PM

Quote :

"which vessels he had packt cargo, he responded with a lengthy list of women’s vaginae"

ha ha this is gold

5/13/2010 3:09:58 PM

definately laffed the whole time i was reading it.

5/13/2010 3:28:39 PM

Quote :

"More troubling is the legend told that he once made the sky rain paper currency"

hahahahh

5/13/2010 3:32:04 PM

twas good for a scoff

5/13/2010 3:51:17 PM

Quote :

" Is that Berrian? I think he’s triple-covered. You know what? Fuck it. I’m throwing it downfield. Yeah, I see Jones open on the flank. But fuck that. Dumpoff passes are for faggots. I’m fucking Sexy Rexy Grossman. I can get that ball in there. And, even if I can’t, I bet I’ll be able to pull it off the next go round. I like throwing the ball long. It makes my dick hard. What’s that? I should throw a quick slant? Fuck that. That’s gay. Button hook? Gay. Flare out? Gay. Screen pass? Kevin Spacey gay. This is fucking football. You can’t just expect wins to come to you. You can’t massage that shit. You gotta grab that game by the throat and rape the ever-loving shit out of it. You think a 5-yard out is gonna win you a game? You’re a pussy. This ain’t John Shoop running this offense. Sexy Rexy’s got the arm. The dragon. You gotta unleash the dragon. Okay, I’m throwing it. Nice. Look how far it went. I look good. I bet I made that Pats cheerleader wet her panties with that throw. She fucking wants me. I bet she likes it over a stair railing. I can hit that with 100% accuracy, my dear. Mmmmmm. I am delicious. Oh shit. Looks like Samuel caught it. Again. Oh well. It still felt fucking great to throw that shit. Tell me that wasn’t one of the prettiest passes you ever saw. You know what? Not only am I gonna throw it long the next time we hit the field. I’m gonna throw it even longer. Harder. You see that kid in wheelchair sitting in the end zone bleachers? I’m gonna nail him right between the fucking eyes with a Sexy Rexy fastball. Why? Because I can. This is Rex Grossman we’re talking about here. We’re talking 210 lbs. of twisted steel and sex appeal. I’m not just a gunslinger. I’m a cumslinger. Throwing that ball long tells all the Rexettes that I am fucking out there. On the edge. Where I gotta be. The ladies love the danger. The unpredictability. Oh, maybe I’ll tease them with a pretty touch pass every now and again. But then I’m gonna go right back to pumping that ball out for all it’s worth. It tells them I throw like I fuck. That’s how we do things in the sexy business. Tell me you’re not turned on right now. I am."

5/13/2010 4:43:12 PM

sounds like http://twitter.com/notjaycutler

5/13/2010 4:59:13 PM

^ From that site:

Quote :

"When they cleaned out Grossman's locker, all they found was 67 used condoms and a photo of Jeff Garcia"

5/13/2010 5:06:00 PM

Quote :

"STRANGE NEGROID SPANIARD"

5/13/2010 9:48:03 PM

http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2010/05/here-is-something-you-cant-understand-how-i-could-just-ice-a-brah.html

Quote :

" Matt Leinart: BRAH! Yo brah. I just made, like, the most epic discovery since man found text message technology. You gotta peep this. Darnell Dockett: What? Matt Leinart: Brah, they’re gonna call me the new Sir Issac Newman, that’s how epic this is. Dockett: What is it? Leinart: [Pulls out beer] ICED, BRAH! Dockett: … You discovered Smirnoff Ice? Leinart: Nah, don’t get silly on me. I mean, c’mon. I didn’t discover Ice, brah. Mr. Smirnoff did that. I discovered icing brahs. Dockett: What’s the difference? Leinart: Braahhh, brah, brah. Lemme help you out. All right – an unsuspecting brah is out in public just doing his thang, right? Maybe trying to get his mack on. Maybe just handling his shit. Dockett: Okay? Leinart: Then, completely out of nowhere, another brah drops an Ice on him with the quickness. Totally puts him on the spot with the Ice. Dockett: And? Leinart: AND!? The brah that got iced has to drop to one knee and chug that bitch on the spot. Brah got no choice. Brah just got iced. See, the point is to Ice a brah at the most inopportune and embarrassing moment. Preferably with the most fruity flavor of the Ice. Dockett: That’s gay as fuck. Leinart: Ya brah, that’s the point. Brah gotta some chug some fruity girly brew in front of his friends and associates. It’s the ultimate in brahmiliation. But – and here’s the thing – there’s a catch. Dockett: All right? Leinart: If the brah getting iced whips out an Ice of his own when getting Iced, the brah doing the initial icing has to chug both Ices. TURNIN’ THE TABLES ON A BRAH! Dockett: So you faggots are carrying around Smirnoff Ices on the off chance that one of your stupid-ass friends might try to “Ice” you? I will never understand white people. Leinart: ‘Course, brah. That’s how the game is played. Dockett: Dumbest fucking shit I ever heard. Leinart: That may be true, brah. But I believe I just pulled out an Ice on you. Assume the position. Dockett: I ain’t doing that shit. Leinart: You have to, brah. That’s the rules. Dockett: Yeah, that’s the rules of your retarded little frat boy bullshit that I ain’t never agreed to. I subscribe to the Darnell-Dockett-Does-The-Fuck-He-Wants game. According to those rules, I ain’t gotta do shit I don’t wanna. And I don’t wanna do that shit. Leinart: Still the rules, brah. No brah ever said life was fair. Dockett: And what happens if someone don’t chug the Ice? Leinart: Bad form, brah. A complete loss of brahspect. Dockett: That’s it? No ass whooping? Kind of weak shit is that? Leinart: You say it like it’s nothing. Dockett: [Swipes Ice from Leinart's hand and shoves it back in his face] ICED, BRO! Leinart: What? Nah brah, naaaaahhh, you can’t do that. Illegal icing procedure. Dockett: The fuck I can’t. So, now what? You gonna have bad bro form? How we supposed to respect a quarterback who got bad bro form? Shit, I bet Kurt Warner would’ve already been finished chugging it by now. Would’ve added a little prayer after it too. Leinart: Low blow, brah, low blow. Dockett: I’mma tell Coach Whisenhunt if you don’t. You think he wants to hear how you don’t display leadership qualities? Leinart: Sigh. [to himself] Climb the ladder, Matt, climb the ladder."

[Edited on June 2, 2010 at 2:07 PM. Reason : ]

6/2/2010 2:05:42 PM

i can't get enough marmalard

they try to make p riv out to be such a douche, but he comes of even more awesome the jerkier they make him

6/2/2010 2:08:26 PM

http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2014/10/how-jerry-jones-got-romo-back-in-the-game.html

Quote :

" Jerry Jones: AWWWW FLIBBERTIGIBBET! THEM SNEAKY REDTURDS KNEE-RAPED MY BRIGHT SHINING STAR ROMO. I SHOULDA KNOWN THAT JEWY SNAKEY SNAKE JEW DAN SNYDER WOULD SINK TO UNDERHANDED TRICKS WHEN HE BET ME A PRIVATE JET HIS BOYS WOULD WIN. I BET THAT JET DON’T EVEN HAVE A PROPER SEX DUNGEON. WELL THE OL’ DOUBLE J AIN’T LICKED YET. I BROUGHT IN BRANDON WEEDEN BECAUSE I WANTED SOMEONE ON THE ROSTER WHO IS MY AGE, NOT FOR HIM TO TRY TO WIN FOOTBALL GAMES. WE’RE GONNA GET MY BOY ROMO BACK ON THE FIELD, OR MY NAME AIN’T JERRAL. HEY, WHICH ONE OF Y’ALL IS THE BACKIOLOGIST? Trainer: Sir, we need to administer a battery of tests on Tony Romo’s back to ensure he hasn’t sustained a serious injury. With all due respect, it would be easier for us to do that without you here. Jerry Jones: WELL THEN, WITH ALL DUE RESPECT, YOU’RE FUCKING FIRED. AS FOR THE REST OF YOU, YOU HAD BETTER START GIVING ME GOOD NEWS OR I’LL HAVE YOUR IDENTITIES ERASED AND YOUR CHILDREN TENDING TO MY PLANTATION IN NICARAGUA. I’M WEALTHY! I CAN DO THAT! Trainer #2: Well, sir, the X-rays are negative so it looks like it’s probably a bone bruise, but as a necessary precaution, we’ll have to — Jerry Jones: LET ME STOP YOU RIGHT THERE. THERE ARE NO NECESSARY PRECAUTIONS IN LIFE, SON. THERE IS LIVIN’ AND WINNIN’ OR LOSIN’ AND QUITTIN’. WHICH OF THOSE DO YOU THINK I’M ABOUT? Trainer #2: The one that requires Tony Romo to get back on the field? Jerry Jones: SHARP AS A FUCKING SCALPEL, THIS ONE. YOU’RE GONNA GO FAR IN THIS BIDNESS, SON. NOW GET ALL THAT NAMBY PAMBY OBAMACARE DOCTOR SHIT OFF MY BOY! YOU READY TO GIT ON OUT THERE AND WIN THIS, AIN’T YA, ROMO? [slaps Romo on the back] [Romo coughs up blood and forces a smile] THERE’S MAH $100 MILLION STAR! Jerry Jones: LISTEN UP, PRINCETON, MY BEAUTIFUL FUCKMONSTER ROMO IS ABOUT TO PARADE OUT FROM THE LOCKER ROOM LIKE A GODDAMN CONQUERING HERO. YOU TELL WEEDEN TO STRAP HIS LIFE ALERT BRACELET BACK ON AND GIT HIS ASS ON THE BENCH. ROMO IS GOING BACK IN! THAT CLEAR? Jason Garrett: Hmm. Yes. Abundantly. But, I wonder, is that the wisest move? Romo has had persistent back issues and such a swift move could only serve to exacerbate them. It strikes me as a lot to sacrifice for a regular season game against a two-win squadron. Jerry Jones: THAT AIN’T THE ONLY THING WHAT GONNA STRIKE YOU. I’MMA LET YOU IN ON A LITTLE SECRET, GINGERVITIS: MY SECURITY TEAM TOLD ME THAT NONE OTHER THAN WADE PHILLIPS IS IN THE BUILDING TONIGHT. THAT’S RIGHT – HE’S UP IN THE NOSEBLEEDS CLEARING OUT THE CONCESSIONS RIGHT NOW. HE EVEN BROUGHT A CLEAN BACKUP SHIRT FOR WHEN HE SPILLS CONDIMENTS, GRAVY AND BIRTHDAY CAKE ALL OVER THE OTHER ONE. DON’T THINK FOR A SECOND I WOULD HESITATE TO HAVE HIM REPLACE YOU THIS VERY NIGHT. THAT’S RIGHT – THE RETURN OF PORKAHONTAS. I WILL TOLERATE THREE CONSECUTIVE NON-WINNING SEASONS, BUT I WILL NOT SIT HERE AND LET YOU BACKTALK ME. Jason Garrett: Hmm. Yes. Hmm. Well put. In he goes, then. To paraphrase Tennyson, “Mine is not to reason why, Mine but to do and die”. Jerry Jones: GOOD ONE, WORDSWORTH. I GOT A LITTLE POEM FOR YOU TOO: “ROSES ARE RED, ROMO’S BACK IS BLUE, DALLAS GONNA WIN AND PLOW SOME HOOKERS TOO”. YEEEEEEEEE HAAAAAAAAAWWWWW I AM FUCKING CRAZY!"

10/28/2014 4:54:51 PM

I miss this website

8/7/2021 10:52:38 PM

Same. I miss it so hard. I can only imagine how insane it would be in #2021.

8/10/2021 10:25:21 AM