merbig
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I just wanted to clear the air on a few things. It's also very late, and I'm writing this almost stream of consciousness, so forgive any disorganization.
I don't know why I ever started being an extremely mean person on the internet. I think it may have started from when I used to post on this webforum called Somethingleet.com at the turn of the decade. They used to have a section called "Flame Wars," where you would intentionally start arguments with other people. I used to partner with this other user on there named Envark, and we were rather notorious for insulting other people into oblivion. Eventually, the overwhelming negativity of that section (and the fact that a lot of people took it rather seriously) caused it to be deleted. However, the seed was planned, and that behavior spilled over into the general sections of that forum and onto thewolfweb.com. Which brings us here today.
Why does God exist, then? Who knows. It's probably a lens to focus all of the frustration and general malaise I have in my life. It's a punching bag. It's satisfying, for a brief period, to just focus all of your anger on someone who has screwed up online. You can laugh at them and call them a loser and a dumb faggot, and get rid of all that anger that you have at your job or with the way things have been going in your life. I realize that it's not satisfying in the long term, but I think that's why it went on for so long.
About a month ago, I was notified that something terrible had happened, that it was my fault, and that it had happened because of trolling I had done on this forum. It really shocked me, and honestly it brought me down to earth in a way I'd never expected. I felt really miserable, and I realized that my actions had true consequences in real life. I was actually hurting people, not just by making them feel bad somewhat, but by making actual bad things happen to them. I vowed to be a nicer, kinder person.
As you can imagine, doing that on here was a most difficult task. My "reputation" precedes me, and one of two things tended to happen. Either people didn't believe my sincerity, and thought that I was somehow being sarcastic or mean, or I had to deal with other trolls on this forum. And the trolling brought out the anger in me. My god, it did. It would take ever ounce of my strength to not post a reply that involved every single vile and despicable personal attack I could think of at the moment. But I swallowed my pride and kept on.
I'm sure some of you, at this point, are trying to look for examples of when I was a complete shithead in the past month. I'm sure they're there. A bad habit is hard to break, and some of you just tend to piss me off. This forum has its fair share of assholes, and it's hard to resist opportunities. But I genuinely wanted to change.
And then that thread happened. I was exposed as vulnerable. And everyone who I had ever taken a shot at on here, everyone who I had ever flamed or insulted, they all jumped on me like vultures.
I would be lying if I said it didn't hurt. It did. It hurt real bad. It wasn't only embarrassing to be caught doing something (honestly, and I'm being sincere here, I was just posting without even thinking to cite or that it mattered at all) it was extremely hurtful to be attacked by so many people at once. You all took the advantage to kick me when I was down. I probably deserved it from some of you for the things in my past, even if I had pledged to change. However, if you attacked me because I was mean to you in the past, what does that make you for attacking me back along with everyone else? Are you so different? Are you a better person?
The part that hurt the most, though, was how personal some of you were making it. You were addressing me, not by my username, but by my last name, when you called me an idiot or a loser. You brought up my real life past, my decisions that I'd made, when you attacked me. You brought up my job. You brought up my college degree. You didn't claim to dislike my persona on the internet, you claimed to dislike me as a real person. And that's what really hit me in the core. I'm sure you all got a few chuckles and thought it was "the greatest win" or whatever. I wonder if it would even bother you if you knew how miserable I was that entire day, even the week afterwards agonizing over that.
A lot of these attacks were coming from people who had never even met me, and they were addressing me using my real name. There's really only about a dozen or so people here who have taken the chance to know me in person, and I would hope that almost all of them would agree that I am absolutely nothing like God in person. They would know me as a person who would sacrifice anything for them, because I care about them very much.
And there were a few of you in that thread who surprised me. Some of you that I know personally, that I considered an acquaintance that I would go up and shake hands with if I ran into them. It was surprising to see you step on me as well. I'm not sure why you did it, and I don't know if you feel bad or not. But it really bothered me.
And yes, I did agonize over that thread. I still do. There's a huge difference between being told that people don't like God, that they think that he's a mean troll, and knowing that there are people out there who really don't like me as a person. There are people out there who don't want me around if they see me in person. That there are people out there who think I'm a loser, a failure, and someone who should just die.
I guess what I want to say is that if you're reading this, and you're someone who I've ever said anything mean to, I'm sorry. I didn't really mean it. I don't even know most of you, and you are probably a wonderful person who didn't deserve it. It was dumb stupid trolling, a way for me to get my frustration and aggression out, and it's not who I am as a person. I hope you can forgive me.
I want to address a few people personally as well:
kiljadn: I think we got on the wrong path when I said a few tactless things to you online. I never meant to say anything to offend you, and I'm sorry about that. The things I said to you over the last week were just me lashing out due to the anger and frustration about that thread. A lot of the things you said to me in that thread really really hurt, and I hope they aren't true. I hope that some day I can change how you feel about me.
One of the things that caused me to make this thread was the realization that everyone was having a great time playing for at Ruckus FC soccer team, and I wasn't invited. There may have not been any room, but it really seemed the real, true reason was because everyone just didn't like me as a person and didn't want me around. And that cut deep. I love playing soccer, and all of the people on that team are really awesome people that I would love to hang out and play with. And it really bothers me that they don't want me around because they don't like me as a person, even though I haven't met many of them. I'm not sure if the well was poisoned by you, but I would like a second chance if there exists one.
d7freestyler: I really hope you're not included in the group of friends that kiljadn claims "fucking hate" me. You're a great person, humorous, and fun to be around, and I hope we can hang out in the future.
Stein/Quinn: I thought we were friends.
Ernie: I see myself in you. I know there's a real person inside of that username. This will come back to haunt you. Trolling isn't worth finding out in the end that everyone you know literally hates you. That's the worst feeling in the world.
khcadwal: You seem like a really interesting person, and I hope that my reputation hasn't ruined any chance we could have at a friendship.
Samwise16: I'm sorry if I said anything to upset you. You're a genuine person with a good heart, but I'm going to be honest in saying that a lot of things you said frustrated me on occasion, and I lashed out back at you. I shouldn't have done that.
Shadowrunner: I can't be angry at you for what you did, but I've already explained to you in PMs the amount of stress, embarrassment, anger, hurt, and sadness I went through due to what that thread caused. I'm not sure if that made you feel bad or not, but I am going to be honest in saying that I hope one day you regret it. I don't mean that as some sort of "karmic retribution," but I hope that some day you think that you feel bad for causing me to experience that much anguish.
To the person I hurt: You won't ever know how sorry I am for what happened to you. Honestly, it crushed me to the core, and I hope one day you can forgive me.
And no, I didn't make that Beach Body thread to look at photos of users in their bikinis. I wanted to do something that would help people for once in my life, since I'd been so awful to so many people in the past.
Some of you are probably going to take this as a chance to make fun of me, to post "good riddens," and to cheer my misery. Don't. Don't get caught into that cycle. Be a real person. Have sympathy. Know that there are real people with real feelings. If you've ever felt lower than low, then you know where I've been. It's not a joke, and I learned that through two hard lessons.
But I guess that doesn't matter anymore.
Goodbye forever.  8/4/2010 2:46:56 PM
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