Mom: "Raymond, your fly is open. You're going to catch a cold."

8/9/2010 2:07:14 AM

Mom: "Gosh stephen, What's wrong with you? You look tired! You work hard?"

8/9/2010 2:09:11 AM

Both: "So what are you going to do when the baby is born and you aren't married?"

8/9/2010 2:33:28 AM

Mom: "Being gay is a birth defect."

8/9/2010 2:37:05 AM

great opportunity to tell this story


A few years back my mom, my best friend at the time, my gf at the time and I were all eating at my favorite Chinese buffet in the world (Peking Palace in Mooresville). My friend couldn't find any white rice at the buffet which prompted my mom to exclaim to a packed dining room, with the purest of innocence but still rather exuberantly, "Well son, it looks like I found a chink in your restaurant!"

Somewhere between my asking how long that took her and the uncontrollable laughter that had beset my friends she realized her gaffe. With a face that had turned a lovely shade of crimson she made embarrassed apologies to everyone within earshot and spoke very little for the rest of the dinner.

8/9/2010 4:21:13 AM

^hahhahahahhahahah


My mom and I were in target once right before my little brother's birthday just picking up random things. Seeing a spongebob pillow ( a pillow with a picture of spongebob squarepants on it with arms legs sewn on and a floppy tie sticking out the front) we picked it up for his birthday as he was a fan of the show. In the checkout line my mom loudly asks "why is his penis out?" referring to his tie. Of course everyone looks and I crack up laughing.
oh mom. how are you so smart and still able to do things like that?

8/9/2010 6:56:53 AM

"Are you sure you're not pregnant again...if only you could lose some weight..."

8/9/2010 7:17:09 AM

mom: (about taco bell) Have you tried one of those pink tacos yet?

8/9/2010 7:56:20 AM

them: "when are you gonna have some kids so i can be a grandparent?"
me: "well, i figured i'd have kids if and when i'm ready to have them."
them: "what do you mean if? you need to have kids or your life will just be pointless from here on out. you need to go to church with your sister - there are some good religious women to straighten you up and have babies with."

8/9/2010 8:00:08 AM

Things your parents say that you are uncomfortable acknowledging.

8/9/2010 8:04:44 AM

probably better fitting a thread of that title

8/9/2010 8:07:32 AM

Well, I'm with you. Non-breeder solidarity in this thread.

8/9/2010 8:08:15 AM

there was a pretty big thread on this a couple years back that had a ton of lols, but a cursory search didn't pull anything up. I feel like saps made it.

8/9/2010 8:53:09 AM

"Well, you're larger than your father!"

8/9/2010 10:57:33 AM

"I wish my body was like yours."

8/9/2010 11:15:51 AM

"im taking viagra. We have sex more than you now"

8/9/2010 11:18:07 AM

"you're adopted"

8/9/2010 11:18:52 AM

"When are you guys leaving so we can have sex again?"

8/9/2010 11:50:32 AM

"What's your login and password for Brazzers again?"

8/9/2010 11:51:46 AM

"do me"

8/9/2010 11:52:16 AM

Mom to our family friend when she thought I was asleep in the car: "I can't wait for Walt to get home tonight, I already got the pillows behind the headboard!"

8/9/2010 11:55:43 AM

^ haha awesome

8/9/2010 2:18:23 PM

a couple years ago I was visiting my parents in AZ...I woke up in the middle of the night, sick as hell, throwing up and was totally out of it....

I went to my parents room crying like a baby so my mom leaves and goes to her bathroom to get me some medicine and my dad says to me, "Are you drunk???"

I just gave him a look cause I couldn't talk at that point.

My mom comes back from the bathroom having not heard what my dad had asked...gives me the medicine and says, "Are you pregnant?"

At this point I look up at the both of em and say, "So basically you guys think I'm a drunken whore?!"

8/9/2010 2:49:54 PM

Only whores get pregnant.

8/9/2010 2:51:09 PM

well considering the fact that I didn't have a boyfriend at the time and they knew it.....

8/9/2010 2:52:39 PM

awesome thread.


"what's the internet?"

8/9/2010 3:17:47 PM

Right after my rather tumultuous separation from my now ex-wife:

Mom: "I probably shouldn't say this, but your sister and I were talking about you and Beth, and she said that Beth was a stupid cunt."

Me: "Mom, I'd be perfectly happy if I never hear that word issue forth from your mouth ever again"


In my younger years:

Mom: "You need to quit thinking with the wrong head."

Mom: "Should we hire you a prostitute?"

Mom, in the middle of Walmart: "Well THAT sucks a big one!"

If you ever met my mom, she's about as charming and polite as they get. With a few exceptions...

8/9/2010 3:34:56 PM

"You didn't vote..." "oh look i dropped the remote"

I'm AstralAdvent and i approved this message.

8/9/2010 3:45:56 PM

Not my parents but...

Uncle: So when are you going to have kids?
Me: I dunno, maybe we'll start trying in two years or so.
Uncle: You mean you haven't already been trying?
Me: Not intentionally.

And this entire conversation is happening in front of my grandfather

8/9/2010 5:12:08 PM

not really a "what they said" thing, but about 17-18 years ago, my sister and i got into my grandma's car and she was listening to Busta Rhymes - Fire it Up

8/9/2010 5:28:13 PM

Pssh, that song didn't come out till the late 90's

8/9/2010 5:29:07 PM

^ His Grandmother's car is a Delorean.

8/9/2010 5:33:07 PM

Dweedle called out on a lie ITT.

8/9/2010 5:34:12 PM

she died in late 1998, so it was sometime before that, from memory i thought it was soon after we moved in 1992, but perhaps not

8/9/2010 5:35:52 PM

^ Who inherited the Delorean?

8/9/2010 5:38:29 PM

that joke still active?

[Edited on August 9, 2010 at 5:45 PM. Reason : she took it to 1885 and hid it because bad things happened due to it]

8/9/2010 5:39:53 PM

His earliest album came out in 1996. Turn It Up was not released until 1997.

8/9/2010 5:46:42 PM

yeah, upon being officially called out, i looked it up

so it must have been either 1997 or 1998 because it was on the radio in her car, which was a lumina, i believe

8/9/2010 5:47:54 PM

Mother: God has a special plan for you.

8/9/2010 6:04:56 PM

"I smell like a polecat."

8/9/2010 6:13:13 PM

"Have your bowels moved today?"

My grandma used to ask me that and I HATED it.

8/9/2010 6:17:33 PM

This gem is from this weekend:

Grandfather: "There's nothing more beautiful than a woman with a completely shaved head and full makeup on."

I can't decide if he was being serious or just trolling the hell out of me. It can go either way with my grandfather

8/9/2010 6:19:09 PM

my story is similar to paerabol's

my mom and i along some some friends were at a Chinese restaurant. the waitress come over to our table and asks us for our order. my mom proceeded to say in this horrible chinese accent...

"aahhhhh yessss...i woould like to have ah da won ton suuu and ah fry ry and da egg ro pwease"

i looked at her like what the FUCK are you doing this is so embarrassing!! anyway we all kept it together until the waitress left. once out of ear shot i said to mom " what was that...why did you order with a Chinese accent?" she responds "oh they understand me better when i talk like that."


HAHAHAHA....we laughed so hard!!

8/9/2010 6:21:36 PM

I took my shirt off last fall when my dad and I were working on building a shed..

"Looks like you've added some tonnage."

I have since lost 20 lbs.

8/9/2010 6:23:39 PM

oh..i have a whole bunch of these...my mom's the queen of quotables. some of my favs:

"adult superstore....what do you think that is kellett?"

"you know...when he had the bladder stones, kidney stones, the HIV, whatever it was he had..."

"you could get poppies kellett. they're pretty and you could make opium on the side"

8/9/2010 6:43:19 PM

"you just met this girl and she's already spending the night with you? i hope she doesn't end up preggers"

8/9/2010 7:09:18 PM

i can share embarrassing stories of things my parents have said, but they're all stories of my dad cussing out and being openly racist towards minorities and my mom trying to justify my dad's words later to me and my little sister. but most of these stories just make me sick.

its a formula...dad gets slighted or annoyed by someone...he evaluates how they are different than him and blames the now heated situation on their differences...he tells them how they are different, and thus below him, socially, with the harshest and offensive language...they go away...they come back with more people of their own race, sometimes armed...dad tells mom to hide us, or we start speeding through red lights...next day you pretend it didn't happen or dad smacked you

8/9/2010 10:05:05 PM

my grandfather once said he was "sweatin like a black man at a lynchin"
we were all

8/9/2010 10:15:12 PM

We were at a nursery and my mom pointed to a clematis plant and said "that chlamydia is gorgeous!". I had to walk away.

8/10/2010 12:32:02 AM

"set em up"

8/10/2010 12:32:31 AM