iheartkisses All American 3791 Posts user info edit post |
Grandma: "I'm going to Nicaragua next month. In three weeks, I'll be drinking mojitos by the pool in a string bikini. Imagine that!"
Share yours! 12/26/2010 6:01:58 PM |
craptastic All American 6115 Posts user info edit post |
Usually isn't anything too crazy in my family, just stupid. 12/26/2010 6:05:14 PM |
GenghisJohn bonafide 10247 Posts user info edit post |
"You should hear about our breast reduction surgeries."
12/26/2010 6:05:40 PM |
Metricula Squishie Enthusiast 4040 Posts user info edit post |
My grandfather on his own father treating a dog that had been partially disembowled by a train wheel:
"And then daddy poured kerosene over the meat parts and covered 'em in what looked like axel grease--they was kind of tore up, you know--and put 'em back in the dog and sewed him up with mama's sewing needle. I tell you what, that dog was up running around the next morning."
I wish I could record him every time he tells a Depression-era story. 12/26/2010 6:10:35 PM |
sawahash All American 35321 Posts user info edit post |
"I JUST WANT MY DAMN SNUGGIE! " 12/26/2010 6:11:55 PM |
crazy_carl All American 4073 Posts user info edit post |
i listened to my grandfather's crazy explanation of how wheel of fortune works, he is seriously convinced that there is a black midget under the wheel that stops it on good spots for black people, and that pat sajack shows them the answers
we had to stop him before he started singing his "songs of the past" 12/26/2010 6:33:28 PM |
ncsuapex SpaceForRent 37776 Posts user info edit post |
Now I know why you so crazy, Carl. 12/26/2010 6:48:23 PM |
BEU All American 12512 Posts user info edit post |
My grandma is a great resource for racist information. Gotta love those older generations. 12/26/2010 6:53:16 PM |
iheartkisses All American 3791 Posts user info edit post |
"my girlfriend is 4'10". So she doesn't have to get on her knees to reach things."
-my cousin, at Christmas dinner 12/26/2010 7:51:19 PM |
EMCE balls deep 89740 Posts user info edit post |
"So Jeff, when are you finally going to settle down with that nice girl iheartkisses? She was so sweet."
-Errybody] 12/26/2010 7:52:42 PM |
TreeTwista10 minisoldr 148238 Posts user info edit post |
my grandpa mentioned some dude he used to work with in the 1930s named "Shortleg Maganus" 12/26/2010 7:52:58 PM |
iheartkisses All American 3791 Posts user info edit post |
"so, Lucy, is EMCE as hung as they say? Ssometimes your grandma exaggerates."
-Mom 12/26/2010 7:55:33 PM |
StayPuff All American 5154 Posts user info edit post |
Mom: When are you going to get married? Both of your nieces are married - 1 of them has a 2 year old and the other is 6 months along into her pregnancy. Me: 12/26/2010 7:56:16 PM |
iheartkisses All American 3791 Posts user info edit post |
^ sounds like my Christmas!
Uncle: so, Lucy, how are you ever gonna get married if you can't get a boyfriend?
Me: I got married a couple of months ago when I was wasted in Vegas. It's complicated. Don't tell Grandma.
12/26/2010 8:01:58 PM |
StayPuff All American 5154 Posts user info edit post |
Yeah it sucks...especially when you have younger nieces that are married and have kids... 12/26/2010 8:05:13 PM |
iheartkisses All American 3791 Posts user info edit post |
Try being the only single person in your entire family. Other than Grandma.
They asked if I would get back with my ex. So I described in detail how he got a chick preggers about a week after we broke up.
Awkward family moments! Heeee! 12/26/2010 8:13:27 PM |
StayPuff All American 5154 Posts user info edit post |
the only person that is at a legal marrying age and is single besides me is my mom...and there is no one alive in this world that could survive more than a week with her....she is crazy 12/26/2010 8:17:08 PM |
DeltaBeta All American 9417 Posts user info edit post |
Cousin: So we got Lauren a new Camaro for her 16th birthday. It's a stick so she can't even drive it yet. I'll be safe for her since it's a V6.
Me: You know that V6 has 312 horsepower.
Cousin: OMG SHE'S GOING TO KILL HERSELF!
Me: Yeah no shit. 12/26/2010 8:55:00 PM |
wwwebsurfer All American 10217 Posts user info edit post |
^lol 12/26/2010 9:00:56 PM |
iheartkisses All American 3791 Posts user info edit post |
Uncle (in front of entire family): "How many interviews have you had with {company name}? Me: "This Thursday will be 4." Uncle: "That's more than Daniel (cousin) has ever had in his life."
Awkward!
[Edited on December 26, 2010 at 9:03 PM. Reason : J] 12/26/2010 9:02:17 PM |
Jaybee1200 Suspended 56200 Posts user info edit post |
it involves the phrase "that colored woman" 12/26/2010 9:04:21 PM |
iheartkisses All American 3791 Posts user info edit post |
Uncle David: "how's the love life?" Me: "Absolutely horrendous, thanks for asking! How's Alaska?" 12/26/2010 9:08:04 PM |
AlaskanGrown I'm Randy 4693 Posts user info edit post |
While watching I shouldn't be alive on Animal Planet a lady fell in Utah with her dog while on a training run. In walks future father-in-law who we haven't seen yet.
"Hey guys, what are you watching? Ahh look at that dumb bitch, whad she break a leg? Oh she has a dog, that damn lesbian? How was your flight?" 12/26/2010 9:10:47 PM |
Jaybee1200 Suspended 56200 Posts user info edit post |
^^ you know Dave? he said he was going to hook me up with his niece... ohhh ooooooohhhhhhh... Dave is the man 12/26/2010 9:18:48 PM |
arghx Deucefest '04 7584 Posts user info edit post |
This conversation happened a couple years ago. Back in the 90s my grandpa was a part owner in the Chicago Bulls' training facility during their heyday. He would be in there working out sometimes and would overhear some things.
Grandpa: Yeah Pippen, Jordan, and all of them would be talking and they would be bragging "I've got three cars and I just got me a white bitch"
Grandma: That's so awful!
Me: [cracking up] wait what?
Grandpa: They kept talking about they wanted to get a 'white bitch'
Just hearing an 85-year-old man utter the phrase "white bitch" made me lose it. My grandparents are sitting here all worked up and I am laughing my ass off.
[Edited on December 26, 2010 at 9:38 PM. Reason : .] 12/26/2010 9:37:59 PM |
Jaybee1200 Suspended 56200 Posts user info edit post |
what what! 12/26/2010 9:38:31 PM |
twoozles All American 20735 Posts user info edit post |
Quote : | "we had to stop him before he started singing his "songs of the past"" |
hahahahah no words can express12/26/2010 9:40:39 PM |
ClassicMixup All American 3877 Posts user info edit post |
Quote : | "Uncle (in front of entire family): "How many interviews have you had with {company name}? Me: "This Thursday will be 4." Uncle: "That's more than Daniel (cousin) has ever had in his life."
Awkward! " |
Hey!!! I've had more than 4 interviews 12/26/2010 11:43:25 PM |
merbig Suspended 13178 Posts user info edit post |
"Nigger Geese." That was from most of my family talking about what my grandfather called his farts. "A flock of nigger geese." 12/26/2010 11:57:50 PM |
Wraith All American 27246 Posts user info edit post |
Quote : | "hey asked if I would get back with my ex." |
lol I've gotten that in the past too. A few years ago my parents told me I should get back together with my high school girlfriend. Even though she was married. And lived in Boston. And I already had a girlfriend. Parents don't seem to understand that people break up for a reason.12/27/2010 10:32:08 AM |
raiden All American 10504 Posts user info edit post |
The main topic of discussion was my townhouse (first time the 'rents have spent the night here and seen it) and the early Nov breakup of me and my ex-fiancée. 12/27/2010 10:33:48 AM |
crazy_carl All American 4073 Posts user info edit post |
i'm really disappointed in this thread, i thought it would bring the lols a lot harder, i guess next holliday i will just keep a note pad with me when the family gets together 12/27/2010 12:53:09 PM |
hollister All American 1498 Posts user info edit post |
F-I-L (at dinner, to my son): Your Nana has hair growing all over the sides of her butt. 12/27/2010 1:41:48 PM |
cdub1313 Starting Lineup 73 Posts user info edit post |
"Boy, you gay or something?"
It's been a pretty common question from my uncles when I tell them I'm not getting married anytime soon. This usually comes after an hour of listening to them bitch and moan about being married. 12/27/2010 1:50:07 PM |
Wraith All American 27246 Posts user info edit post |
^I've heard of people saying that too. If I were gay, wouldn't I be bringing a boyfriend around or something? If a gay dude doesn't have a boyfriend I wonder if their uncles are like "boy, you straight or something?" 12/27/2010 3:36:24 PM |
iheartkisses All American 3791 Posts user info edit post |
In the living area surrounded by about ten folks:
Aunt Viv: "Do you want some eggnog, Graham?" Cousin Graham: "Yeah, just a little." Cousin Daniel: "You mean just the tip." Cousin Graham: "Yeah, just the tip." Aunt Viv: "What?"
12/27/2010 5:47:20 PM |
IMStoned420 All American 15485 Posts user info edit post |
I love saying shit like that in front of the older folks who don't get it. 12/27/2010 6:10:33 PM |
djeternal Bee Hugger 62661 Posts user info edit post |
My Girlfriend's 90 year old Grandma:
"I hate that Cialis commercial with the 2 bathtubs. If you they are promoting a sex enhancing drug, why wouldn't the couple be in the same tub?" 12/27/2010 6:12:50 PM |
iheartkisses All American 3791 Posts user info edit post |
^ haha, my Grandma is the same way. The older she gets, the less she cares. 12/27/2010 6:19:37 PM |
bassman803 All American 16965 Posts user info edit post |
my uncle to me:
"YOU STILL SLINGIN' THAT MEAT, BUTCHER? GOTTA GIVE THEM GIRLS A REST SOMETIME, YA KNOW" (he talks loudly) 12/27/2010 8:32:54 PM |
loudRyan All American 594 Posts user info edit post |
On politics:
"That Sarah Palin is a real straight shooter!" 12/27/2010 10:06:50 PM |
sawahash All American 35321 Posts user info edit post |
My grandmother walks outside while it's snowing.
"My titties are cold, I should've put on a bra" 12/27/2010 10:14:52 PM |
Jen All American 10527 Posts user info edit post |
my gma calles hand sanitizer Nigger Juice, N-Juice if she is out in public.
Also, my cousin is a nurse and was telling a story about a woman with a large abcess. My cousin was trying to kindly say it was on her labia and my uncle busted out, "Wait, it was on her Piss Finders?" Dad and I died12/27/2010 10:18:56 PM |
OldBlueChair All American 5405 Posts user info edit post |
"Now I tell ya, I don't like niggers. What I can't stand even more is those mixed people, like Obama." 12/27/2010 10:24:08 PM |
Ragged All American 23473 Posts user info edit post |
"im glad nobody i know is gonna see me riding in this thing"
My uncle on riding in a brand new suburban, cause he wanted to take his fucking cobalt. 12/27/2010 10:28:58 PM |
Samwise16 All American 12710 Posts user info edit post |
Today my grandma told us it took her from 10 am to 6 pm for her and her friend to take pictures of my grandma doing yoga for Facebook. The friend apparently sat there... for 8 hours... clicking a mouse. She also apparently told my grandma it was the "most fun she had ever had." I told my gma I felt sorry for that lady's life (Her friend is in her 60s b-t-dubs) 12/27/2010 11:06:40 PM |
iheartkisses All American 3791 Posts user info edit post |
^ the visuals of that bring the lawls 12/28/2010 8:05:36 AM |
Biofreak70 All American 33197 Posts user info edit post |
"We'll be OK fingering it"
my fiance's dad talking about how we can serve ourselves deviled eggs when her mom was asking if we needed a utensil to serve them. I had such a hard time holding back a "that's what she said" 12/28/2010 8:28:43 AM |
raiden All American 10504 Posts user info edit post |
This thread brings the lawlz 12/28/2010 8:44:24 AM |
Jader All American 2869 Posts user info edit post |
rednecks bitching about niggers 12/28/2010 8:54:13 AM |