2

9/23/2012 8:07:12 PM

Well I fucked up. I left my position about a year ago and took a job that I now loathe. Guess the grass isn't always greener.

2/16/2014 8:16:03 PM

Meh, ride it out till you find something else. In this day and age, staying loyal to any company is a joke. Move on to the next one.

2/17/2014 3:46:15 PM

Well here we go again. It looks like I'm going to be offered a job in Northern Virginia that I'm really excited about for a host of reasons. Its getting back to what I want to do, and there is also enormous room for growth both vertical and horizontal. The downside is that my wife is not really on board for a couple of reasons:

1) She has really never left the area and has close ties to her family who live about 20 minutes away.
2) She just changed career paths and is getting ready to enter the job market here (which is a lot less competitive than Northern Virginia where she would be a bit under-qualified).
3) She (and me) are concerned about the cost of living; mainly the housing market putting off our plans to start a family, etc.
4) I did this kind of work before and got burnt out; now having been away, I know it whats I want to do. She is concerned we will be moving up there only to repeat myself.

The other option is to go back to the first job I left about a year ago. They have offered me my job back at the same salary (would be a pay-cut right now) and they could get me back in field in a couple of weeks. This is what my wife wants me to do so we can stay in the area, start a family and get settled. I enjoy some aspects of this job (which is essentially the same function I would do in NoVa), I am pretty damn good at it, but I just can't see the long term picture there. The guys I trust the most there keep telling me to run away and not get stuck like they did.

I really don't think that N.C. has anything left to offer me. I really can't stand my position now; not even enough to just tough it out till I get something figured out.

While the job up in NoVa is not 100% nailed down, its a good bet based on the money investment there are putting into me right now. If I turn them down, I don't think there will be a next time.

Is doing something that might make me more happy worth screwing up my home life?

tl;dr

FML

[Edited on March 2, 2014 at 5:20 PM. Reason : ...]

3/2/2014 5:19:15 PM

Aren't your parents still in NOVA? How well does she get along with them? What does she think of NOVA, besides the fact that it's a decent 4-5 hour drive away from everything she's known? If she gets along with your parents, maybe she wouldn't be as homesick having family around.

I know marriage is about compromise, but it sounds like you are absolutely miserable in NC and she's just afraid to try some place new. If you just give up your goals/dreams, eventually you're really going to resent it and it's not going to be good for either of you. In the long run, you stand to make much more in the NOVA area and public schools are miles ahead of most places in NC, so I would try that angle.

I don't envy your situation, but I think you need to get her to understand that there's more the gain in the long term by taking a risk, than playing it safe and staying inside her comfort zone. Good luck man.

3/2/2014 6:25:15 PM

1) You can make it back for weekends here and there. 4-5 hours is not really that bad.
2) NoVa has a great job market. I'm sure she would find work. That's why it costs so much to live here.
3) Cost of living sucks, but I've made it work. Just don't expect a lot of land or a single family house unless you want to live way out and have a terrible commute.
4) Can't help you with this. You would know best.

It's not worth fucking up your home life if she still doesn't want to go, but maybe you can convince your wife that it's in your family's best interests.

3/2/2014 6:38:41 PM

If she is getting ready to enter the job market there is no better time, she isn't locked down to a job where you are at currently.

3/2/2014 7:02:55 PM

Quote :

"Aren't your parents still in NOVA? How well does she get along with them?"

Yeah they are still up there. She gets along with them, but my family and her family are polar opposites. You know how it is up there.

Quote :

"If she is getting ready to enter the job market there is no better time"

Yes and no. She already has a 4 year degree, but went back to school for an associates of nursing because that is really all you need to get started here in the Triad and then you go back and get a bachelors. Now up there, most of the hospitals require a bachelors in nursing just to start.

3/2/2014 7:06:36 PM

That's a tough one. It sounds like it's the best opportunity for you, obviously. The question is convincing her. The school thing is tough--is she interested in continuing on for her nursing bachelor's? Will you be able to live comfortably on your salary alone if you move? If yes to both, it sounds like it's the perfect opportunity for her to go ahead and finish out the bachelor's. It'll put her ahead of the game in the future and she'll be done with the education before you start a family.
Question 2 is her family. You say she's close to her family--is that a "good" close or a "good and bad" close? Personally I would put my relationship in the second category, and I think since moving in 2012, the additional distance from my parents has actually been a good thing. Your mileage may vary. I'm also an only child, so if she's also very close to siblings, that could be an added factor.

3/2/2014 9:07:37 PM

Quote :

"The school thing is tough--is she interested in continuing on for her nursing bachelor's?"

Yes, she eventually ones to become a Nurse Practitioner.

Quote :

"Will you be able to live comfortably on your salary alone if you move?"

Probably not. We could move in with my parents. We just did two years on my salary and were pretty lucky. We would have way more cost up there.

Quote :

"You say she's close to her family--is that a "good" close or a "good and bad" close? "

Its a good close. She just grew up in a tight family. I like her family and they are not the type that is always over for dinner, or up in our shit, etc. In fact, we only see them like every other month despite the fact they live 20 minutes away. That being said, she has always been able to access them when she needs/wants to.


Her finding a job and the cost of living are genuine concerns for me, but the benefits of the career seem to outweigh everything in my mind. I really would like to make it work here for her, but its just not possible. Nobody can pay me or excite me like this could.

3/2/2014 9:39:48 PM

Quote :

"I really don't think that N.C. has anything left to offer me"

that speaks volumes. you need to get out before you get in a deep rut

it sucks for the first few weeks and months, but it gets easier. and it's not like you'll be 2,000 miles away from NC if you ever need to get back

[Edited on March 2, 2014 at 9:59 PM. Reason : ,]

3/2/2014 9:58:31 PM

If possible, move in with the rents or find a small 1 BR APT or an in-law unit. Since she needs to go back to school to become a NP, she needs to get back in the mindset of making huge sacrifices NOW for a big pay off LATER. Again, I'd really stress the fact that salaries, schools, etc are a huge selling point of NOVA and that you're thinking about what's best for starting a family.

Or just tell her you're afraid that your kids will end up like Charlie Peru.

3/2/2014 11:31:21 PM

my advice from someone who works in a hospital currently.

Unfortunately she missed the boat on nursing being "easy guaranteed money" by about 4 years. Yes your wife is at a disadvantage... but not a crushing one. She can still find smaller hospitals that will take ADN's ... promise.

If not her easiest path to nursing is be prepared to work in a nursing home, or possibly an urgent care

My friend graduated 8th in his class from Duke nursing and had to work in a nursing home for 6 months before coming on in the ER at Rex. Nursing is an uphill battle right now without a heavy dose of nepotisim regardless of where you go.

Staying here is going to cause massive resentment for you, and staying here in no way provides her job security. It's a sad reality but it's the truth none the less.

and just incase your next statement is "well the job postings for x hospital just require an associates"

Rex job postings also "require" only an associates... but we haven't hired an ADN new grad in probably 20 months +

EVERYONE is trying to phaseout associates nurses in hospitals because Jacho says they have to, and jacho determines how much money you get.


PS. Another thought would be for her to find a job inside DC. DC hospitals blow and struggle mightily to retain nurses... Would be a decent way to gain experience in a hospital setting.

3/2/2014 11:44:26 PM

Stay in NC....a happy wife/happy life....also, do you really want to move in with your parents? Yes, it costs a shit ton up here to live. If your pay is basically the same, why move? Just go back to the old job, work there awhile, then apply for advancement jobs. At the same time, your wife can work on her bachelors.

[Edited on March 8, 2014 at 4:28 PM. Reason : or you can move up there with your parents and she stays behind....ha]

3/8/2014 4:26:40 PM

Updated:

The job up in NoVa seems like a lock at this point. Its the right move for me and it will get me back to what I want to do. I really get excited about the prospect of working for this agency as I tried to work there once before out of college, but wasn't competitive enough. I also found out that I will most likely start at their max starting salary which is about $10k more than I make now, and about $5k more than I was expecting.

After some job applications and a career fair, I think my wife is realizing that the job market for RN's here is about the same as it is up there. That being said, she has options. She is looking at getting a BSN online (won't take her long since she has a B.S.) or working a not so glamorous RN job in a non hospital setting. She is also marketable outside of being an RN because she has a good bit of research experience.

I'm going to keep one option open here just in case this job doesn't come to fruition or she gets a job offer she (we) can't refuse. Its not what I want to do, but the pay and benefits are excellent and its with a private organization and will get me the hell out of state government. Then I can just accept my fate and die.

[Edited on March 30, 2014 at 10:20 AM. Reason : ...]

3/30/2014 10:17:54 AM

I feel like RNs can get jobs anywhere. Like seriously ANYWHERE. Some days I feel like I should have become an RN, but then I talk to a couple and they tell me how much they hate their lives.

3/31/2014 7:46:39 PM

I received a job offer today, but I'm considering countering for a slightly higher starting base salary. Apparently I qualify to receive bonuses at this company, but just missed the bonus period since they give them out in March. I'm not normally in a position to make a counter offer to an employer, any advice from anyone with experience with counter offers? The offer is for approx. $9K more than I make now - I was considering a counter of approx. $3.5K more. All they can do is say no, right?

3/31/2014 9:35:37 PM

Generally you are fine. I've heard of the rare occasion where someone's counter offer ended up costing them the job offer, but it is basically unheard of.

If you're going to counter offer, make sure you have a reason to back it up. Going in with researched evidence on the average for that position or how you're better adapted towards the job than the typical applicant with get your further than "thanks but how about $4k more..............?"

3/31/2014 10:14:59 PM

I asked for 5K more which was <10% of the original offer.
One company scoffed and the other matched it within a day.

3/31/2014 11:08:29 PM

I submitted my resignation from the USMC, effective 30 September.

I feel like I have a pretty decent shot at getting hired to teach in a simulator on base as a civilian contractor. It's probably a 25-30% pay increase (although probably only effectively ~10% more if you count my current benefits and tax advantages). It also offers 30 days of paid leave per year if I go full time (option 2 would be to do this job part time and the military Reserves part time, totaling full-time employment). Either one of those options would be shit hot.

Of course, if I don't get hired there, I don't really have any good options. I don't think that I could get a job down here in Pensacola that wouldn't amount to a big pay cut, even as a mechanical engineer. I'm just not that into big pay cuts.

If I have to take, say, a 30% pay cut, I don't think I would be willing to do it. I don't really want to work just as much for that much less money. I think that I'd rather take a 50% pay cut by just going into the Reserves and not having any other job, and only working 2-3 days per week.

[Edited on April 1, 2014 at 12:10 AM. Reason : ]

4/1/2014 12:09:22 AM

Congrats Duke! I'm sure it'll work out.

4/3/2014 9:43:34 AM

Quote :

"I was considering a counter of approx. $3.5K more. All they can do is say no, right?"

So they countered my counter yesterday with a base salary increase of $2K over their original offer. Nothing huge, but still $2K more than I would have been receiving. But they reminded me they pay bonuses every March and they generally pay between $2-$5K in bonuses, so we'll see how that goes next March.

4/3/2014 12:29:59 PM

^^ haha, I hope so. My backup plan is, uhh, basically mercenary work. I'd be operating sensors in the back of a little turboprop airplane, hunting humans in shitty 3rd-world countries. They make, like, $20k/month or more, but you only work 6 months per year, and it's all in fucking Djibouti or Afghanistan or Yemen or somewhere.

I think it'd be kinda fun for a year or two, but I'd rather get settled into a long-term, more stable career. I wouldn't mind doing a deployment here and there in the Reserves, but I don't really want to spend half my life doing that shit.

4/4/2014 7:05:08 PM

I'd go private sector if I were you

4/4/2014 7:23:49 PM

I mean, that's the plan.

The Reserves-only plan is just if I don't get hired, and ideally, it wouldn't be a permanent arrangement.

4/4/2014 7:28:31 PM

Here is an update. I took the job up here in NoVa and love it so far. My wife found a good RN job, but its not in a hospital.

That being said, my wife fucking hates it here. I mean really fucking hates it. What makes it worse, is that she got offered a job here right after we had committed to moving, but never was told about it because HR lost her paperwork. She found an RN job up here, but its not what she wants. She needs a BSN just to apply to jobs.

Her homesickness is pretty bad. I'm almost scared to go buy a house or commit to anything financially because I'm afraid she is just going to snap and give me an ultimatum. We just got back from Christmas and it was a wicked silent car ride because her mom started crying in the driveway and then her.

If we move back, my career is done. I will be back at a small agency, making ok pay but with no future. I get her points about cost of living (especially housing), but my potential to earn up here along with my generous benefits and outstanding retirement as well as career advancement can't be found down there.

I just feel fucked.

12/28/2014 9:49:59 PM

thats rough

12/28/2014 10:14:59 PM

Is happiness / fulfillment tied only to career / money?

12/28/2014 11:52:49 PM

There needs to be a balance, but career is very important to me.

12/29/2014 5:02:57 AM

Living far away from your parents is good for you.

12/29/2014 8:47:50 AM

Well, since she is your wife I guess you have to come to some kind of compromise in order to make it work, otherwise things are gonna come to a breaking point. What is it you do that can't be found "down there" (I assume down there means the RDU area)? Maybe you could come to an agreement to stay for at least a few more years to gain experience to become more qualified for positions if you decide to move back? That way your wife can also work on that BSN & maybe change her mind about wanting to leave ASAP.

12/29/2014 8:49:44 AM

How do you like living up there? If you also enjoy living back in Raleigh (I think I remember you living in the Triangle somewhere), then you have to look at that as a plus as well.

12/29/2014 10:14:12 AM

damn, that sucks. However, you did seem to call it when you were writing up the situation (good opportunity for you, not what your wife wants). Without knowing 100% what you do, is your career really over if you move back or are you being over-dramatic? Are there really no other opportunities for you to advance your career back in NC (what if you move 20 minutes in the other direction of her parents or something like that?). You are going to be working for another 30 years, but hopefully married for 50+. You still have plenty of time to pivot your career path into a new direction. If your wife isn't going to be happy, it's going to be painful for you. You should have a serious talk with your wife to determine if she is willing to give it a chance in NOVA, otherwise you should consider whether you would rather have your career in NOVA or your relationship.

My situation is the same way, I could be making a lot more and moving up faster in my company by moving to our HQ in NOVA, but my wife has lived in Raleigh her whole life. Her mom and her are both very concerned about us moving, and I know that it would be a tremendous amount of strain on our relationship if I pushed her to move out of Raleigh. I am doing my best to make opportunities in Raleigh, although it is not an ideal situation.

12/29/2014 10:23:25 AM

I'm a police officer. I started for a city in the Triad, then left for a State job (which I hated) and left for one of the largest departments in the country up here in the D.C. area.

There are way more opportunities at the agency I'm at then anywhere in NC (even Charlotte PD). Mostly because of the DC area and the jurisdiction we cover. Its pretty crazy what you can do here.

The pay is very, very good.

The benefits are better than anything found in NC and the retirement beats the shit out of NC.

If I come back, I will be back to patrol. Then again, I do patrol here (or at least in about 6 more weeks). I could be stuck here on patrol for the rest of my career or stuck in NC doing it.

As far as NoVa. I love it! The culture, the attractions, the educated people. Its night and day vs. the Triad. However, the traffic blows (depending on your commute) and the cost of housing is pretty crazy. Like really crazy. But its all relative. Not like I could live like a king in NC.

I also felt like I never was a good fit for the triad.

I would like to stay and see how it works out, but that dynamic is two fold. First, I don't want to commit to anything financially here if we are just going to move (I want to settle down and get a house). And second, my certification in NC is running out and I would have to re-cert (i.e. take another academy) and I'm not in the mood for a 4th.

I feel like its unfair because my wife never put her foot down and stopped us from moving. But, I get her arguments (cost of living, career for her, etc).

FWP

12/29/2014 8:16:13 PM

Fuck

12/29/2014 8:29:01 PM

^Years of G-Chat can't fix this mess.

12/29/2014 8:31:11 PM

Quote :

"I feel like its unfair because my wife never put her foot down and stopped us from moving"

yeah, that is tough. You are allowed to feel upset, but you can't dwell on this if you want to move forward. My suggestion is have a real heart to heart with your wife, tell her your feelings and your motivations for staying (but don't pressure or guilt-trip her), and get an answer from her on whether she will give it an honest try or if she absolutely must move home (possibly even try some dates, like reevaluate in 1 year). Just be prepared to know what you want to do if your wife puts down her foot now. The sooner you and your wife get on the same page, the better.

12/29/2014 10:04:22 PM

Quote :

"Her homesickness is pretty bad. I'm almost scared to go buy a house or commit to anything financially because I'm afraid she is just going to snap and give me an ultimatum. We just got back from Christmas and it was a wicked silent car ride because her mom started crying in the driveway and then her. "

My wife (from NC) joined me in NOVA 7 years ago. She was homesick and missed her family. It took some time but that changed and became a place she loved. We just moved back because my job allowed it and it was the right time for us. I now she misses it and I do as well. If I had to stay...she would have been fine with it. I think you both should give it time before coming to a decision. DC provides so many experiences that you can't get here in NC. Really glad we were able to have them. Hit me up if you need some suggestions for things to do.

12/29/2014 10:50:25 PM

it doesn't help that her parents are being selfish about it and not offering unbiased support. All they want is to have their baby home and living down the street again.

12/30/2014 8:16:33 AM

We are all human and we are all going to tpbe selfish. What sucks is her dad has acted like an ass about moving and I really like hi and her mom.

12/30/2014 4:17:12 PM

Fuck, I hate that shit. Maybe you can ask your dad to make up the difference in salary if you move back, if he is so upset.

12/31/2014 12:43:30 AM