As a fairly recent Muslim to Christian convert, I was wondering if there was anyone else here to share experiences and advice to when it comes to dealing with your family and their friends/social network?

I converted of my own will, and fully believe that I made the right choice. I am marrying an amazing Christian girl later this year, and planning the wedding has been an absolute nightmare for me as I'm trying to keep the peace between our two families. She and her family wants a Christian ceremony (they're also paying for the wedding), while mine would prefer to have a "non demoninational" type ceremony at least, so that the rest of our muslim family in attendance will not find out that I am a Christian. This may sound really selfish on my parents part, but for anyone who is middle eastern or brought up in a middle eastern society/family unit/social circle knows that this is basically the worst shame that you can bring on your family. I would like to help my parents avoid this shame if at all possible. It's not that I am ashamed to be a Christian, but I dont think that destroying my parents lives can be a good thing for any of us now or long-term.

This whole thing has honestly been the hardest thing I've ever done, and I have never felt so alone/stressed/depressed as I am right now. I dont really have many people to turn to for advice as this isnt really a situation that you hear about a lot.

I know this is TWW and I expect some stupid replies, but if you have some good advice, i'm all ears. We are both completely broken-down and desperate at this point. If you'd rather not post here, feel free to PM me. I totally understand.

[Edited on August 15, 2011 at 3:41 PM. Reason : .]

8/15/2011 3:38:18 PM

No advice, but good luck. Keeping both families happy planning a wedding can be difficult in the easiest of situations, so I can't imagine yours.

8/15/2011 3:45:07 PM

That sounds rough. Have you considered doing a very small ceremony and just having the rest of your extended family join at the reception?

8/15/2011 3:45:29 PM

^Yeah, we talked about something like that last night. It's a possibility, but I just dont see that working out too well with our family. There will be questions i'm sure, and they're riding to the wedding/reception location with my parents from out of town. It's hard to ask them to just chill for a bit in another room while the ceremony takes place. I dunno. But a variation or something might be a possibility somehow.

[Edited on August 15, 2011 at 3:53 PM. Reason : .]

8/15/2011 3:52:54 PM

im sorry to hear this situation and can offer no advice.

you have a better chance of not going to hell than them though.

8/15/2011 3:53:27 PM

Sorry to hear that this has been so stressful for you. We had a few issues when my sister got married because her husband converted to Catholicism, but nothing on that level.

Can you openly explain the situation to your fiance's parents? As in, sit down and respectfully tell them what's going on? Also, are her parents mainline protestant, evangelical, Catholic, Orthodox?

8/15/2011 3:55:07 PM

Yeah, my fiancee has explained the situation in detail to her mom and she basically wasnt willing to waiver on this. She thinks that two christians should have a christian ceremony.

Pretty sure they go to a Baptist church.

[Edited on August 15, 2011 at 3:58 PM. Reason : .]

8/15/2011 3:58:17 PM

How stubborn is each family? It may end up just being a case of you telling them "This is my wedding. If you don't like it, don't come, but thanks for being so close minded and thinking about nothing but yourself on my wedding day."

8/15/2011 3:58:40 PM

I know man, i hear ya. It's crazy that EVERY SINGLE one of the problems my fiancee and I are dealing with are a result of someone else's feelings.

We just want to freakin' get married.

8/15/2011 3:59:52 PM

you said your fiance wants a christian wedding too?

[Edited on August 15, 2011 at 4:02 PM. Reason : i'm sorry this is happening to you ]

8/15/2011 4:02:01 PM

Quote :

"Can you openly explain the situation to your fiance's parents? As in, sit down and respectfully tell them what's going on? Also, are her parents mainline protestant, evangelical, Catholic, Orthodox? "

This is what I was going to suggest. Unless they're batshit crazy super fundie Christians or something, I would hope they would be sympathetic and understanding of your situation. Perhaps if y'all gave them examples of non-denominational ceremonies to get an idea of what it'll be like. Sometimes older people think non-denominational means it's going to be some far out, hippie, voodoo, weird thing when it's really not. If you want I can send you our ceremony wording to show them as an example. Our ceremony was non-denominational since we come from two different religious backgrounds.

Or could you incorporate wedding traditions from Christianity and Islam? That way you're honoring your roots and parents' religion, and if anyone on your family's side asks what was up with the Christian stuff, your parents can say, "Well she's Christian so her family wanted Christian stuff too." It's the truth without telling them of your conversion.

8/15/2011 4:02:16 PM

Quote :

"Or could you incorporate wedding traditions from Christianity and Islam? "

i was thinking this too!!!

8/15/2011 4:03:45 PM

I really think that could be a good middle ground. To her family you can say, "My parents would be absolutely heartbroken and devastated if we didn't include ___________ in the ceremony," and to your family you can say, "Her parents would be absolutely heartbroken and devastated if we didn't include ___________ in the ceremony." Win win.

And if you still have people bitching with that, fuck em. You don't need to be stressing out too much over selfish people.

8/15/2011 4:05:19 PM

Wow sorry you are going though so much. have you spoken to the pastor about this to see if he has any ideas?

8/15/2011 4:05:33 PM

Elope, go on a honeymoom, then return and send out an announcement detailing when and where the party that everyone is invited to is.

8/15/2011 4:06:24 PM

^x5

I like this idea, but unfortunately her family (mom) would probably not be down with it. For all intents and purposes, she is pretty close-minded. A big factor is that she wants her church's preacher to officiate, and wouldnt want to ask him to do anything other than the normal Christian ceremony.

[Edited on August 15, 2011 at 4:08 PM. Reason : .]

8/15/2011 4:08:24 PM

just cause the future mother in law is close minded doesn't necessarily that the preacher is...or at least i would hope not.

who is paying for the wedding?

8/15/2011 4:12:08 PM

^ future mil

8/15/2011 4:13:10 PM

Quote :

"just cause the future mother in law is close minded doesn't necessarily that the preacher is...or at least i would hope not."

Agreed, any chance you could bypass the mom and ask the preacher? Play it cool and under the radar kinda deal so she doesn't know you went around her...

8/15/2011 4:15:47 PM

Yea...Sounds like your fiancee's family is full of closed-minded assholes that don't care if they cause problems.

8/15/2011 4:16:31 PM

Quote :

"just cause the future mother in law is close minded doesn't necessarily that the preacher is...or at least i would hope not."

Exactly. I went to a wedding a few months ago where the preacher incorporated Christian and Hindu traditions in the ceremony to keep both families happy. I thought she did a good job of it too.

I think it's time you two had a heart to heart with the future mother-in-law. Explain to her this isn't simply a case of preference, that not including some Muslim traditions in the ceremony could literally ostracize your parents from their community and ruin their lives. If she is so cold-hearted to not sympathize with the situation then I think you're just going to have to do what you want without consulting her and let her decide on her own if she will attend or not. There is no use trying to cajole someone who is so completely close minded that they won't even budge on something as simple as this.

8/15/2011 4:19:55 PM

This is why we kept our wedding at 35 people. And we did it how WE wanted. If you didn't like it, you didn't have to come.

Sorry to hear about this stress, but from my outsider perspective it seems like the major issue here is not the wedding, but your relationship with your parents. You can't tipy-toe around a major life change like religion your whole life. It's better to tell them now and hope they can understand down the line, or have them find out in a way you weren't intending and never forgive you.

Keep in mind, I've spend 3 minutes reading this thread, so my advice is tiny compared to your everyday.

8/15/2011 4:20:17 PM

Quote :

" It's better to tell them now and hope they can understand down the line"

It sounds like the parents know but they want to keep it under wraps from their community, which I can understand.

8/15/2011 4:21:33 PM

Quote :

"Elope"

the last thing you want is the marriage to start on a sour note and who knows how bad this could get.....in case you haven't noticed, religion makes people crazy in the head

8/15/2011 4:21:36 PM

Quote :

"Yea...Sounds like your fiancee's family both families are full of closed-minded assholes that Don't care if they cause problems need to suck it up"

Good luck

[Edited on August 15, 2011 at 4:22 PM. Reason : .]

8/15/2011 4:21:46 PM

The mother in law wants her pastor to officiate. He who pays the piper calls the tune I guess.

Quote :

"Or could you incorporate wedding traditions from Christianity and Islam?"

I don't know, that seems like it could offend people more if they think you did something wrong or out of context. If you tell them "we're going to do stuff from both traditions" it sets up some weird expectations. It could seem very forced.

It seems to me like the modern wedding is all about pleasing everyone else with pictures and traditions and all. The couple getting married seem to have very mixed feelings about the wedding itself because of the joy coupled with stress.

[Edited on August 15, 2011 at 4:25 PM. Reason : .]

8/15/2011 4:22:24 PM

First question: are you actually a convert? Like, have you really been convinced that Christianity is the one true religion, or are you faking it so you can get with this girl? I don't expect a response, but it's something to consider internally. I mean, you're not even sure what denomination they're apart of? That means you don't know what dogma you're buying into. It sounds like you're converting for the wrong reasons, which would be disrespectful not only to both of your families but also yourself.

I don't see any easy way to deal with this issue. You don't want your family to have to sit through a Christian wedding. Her parents are paying for the wedding, and have determined that it will be a Christian wedding. You won't please both parties. You either don't get married or you give the middle finger to the people responsible for bringing you into this world.

8/15/2011 4:23:03 PM

Quote :

"He who pays the piper calls the tune I guess."

This is very true. If this is going to become a huge problem, you may want to consider toning down the wedding and paying for it yourselves.

Quote :

"I don't know, that seems like it could offend people more if they think you did something wrong or out of context. If you tell them "we're going to do stuff from both traditions" it sets up some weird expectations. "

Obviously you would have to plan it very carefully to avoid such a situation. But it's been done many many many many times before. Just do a google search for interfaith wedding and you'll find a bajillion examples. It is not unheard of in this day and age.

[Edited on August 15, 2011 at 4:24 PM. Reason : a]

8/15/2011 4:23:26 PM

^^no, there should be a way to find a middle ground.

Now if majority of Bobby's family is overseas (doesnt seem to be that case) there may be a possibility of having two weddings, christian one here and traditional/muslim one over there

[Edited on August 15, 2011 at 4:25 PM. Reason : damn this thread is blowing up quick]

8/15/2011 4:25:34 PM

The middle ground is that Bobby and the girl get married on their own dime and have it be a secular wedding, or elope and have an all-inclusive celebration at some point afterwards.

Trying to fuse aspects of Islam and Christianity into a single, religion-based ceremony is a terrible idea that will likely leave everyone involved with a bad taste in their mouth.

[Edited on August 15, 2011 at 4:32 PM. Reason : ]

8/15/2011 4:31:30 PM

Quote :

"I converted of my own will, and fully believe that I made the right choice."

I didnt do this for anyone else. I have been studying this religion for much longer than I have known my fiancee.

I DID tell my parents about 3 weeks ago. They fully know about it. They just hope to keep it on the low from their family/friends.

I only say "pretty sure they go to a Baptist Church" because it's not really like any other "Baptist" church I've ever attended. But they do claim to be Baptist.

[Edited on August 15, 2011 at 4:36 PM. Reason : .]

8/15/2011 4:34:07 PM

Some people from different religious backgrounds deal with the wedding problem by having 2 weddings: in your case one Christian since the MIL wants to pay for it, and one Middle Eastern. Is there any way you can do a smaller Middle Eastern cultural ceremony down the road, that will please your family, and maybe tone down the Islamic part of it?

I helped my friend sew a sari recently for a wedding in India- the bride was Indian and her family wanted a big traditional Indian wedding, and the groom, my friend's cousin, was American and his family wanted a traditional more Christian ceremony. They solved that problem by doing a Western wedding State-side, and a traditional wedding in India- everyone came out happy.

8/15/2011 4:37:10 PM

Well, we had a HUGE middle eastern "engagement party" since we couldnt possibly invite all of our middle eastern friends to the wedding (due to the sheer number of people). There was not, however, a single "religious" thing that happened at this party out of respect for her parents.

So my family WAS able to at least have that. But this is MY wedding as much as it is hers, and I'd at least like my parents to not be completely slapped in the face if possible.

8/15/2011 4:40:19 PM

Quote :

"I helped my friend sew a sari recently for a wedding in India- the bride was Indian and her family wanted a big traditional Indian wedding, and the groom, my friend's cousin, was American and his family wanted a traditional more Christian ceremony. They solved that problem by doing a Western wedding State-side, and a traditional wedding in India- everyone came out happy."

Or if you don't want to drop $texas going overseas, I went to a wedding where they did the Hindu ceremony in the morning, the Christian ceremony in the afternoon, and had the reception in the evening. Most of the Indian family didn't bother going to the Christian ceremony, and I'm willing to bet most of the guy's family didn't go to the Indian ceremony, but most people seemed to be at the cocktail hour and reception.

Quote :

"But this is MY wedding as much as it is hers, and I'd at least like my parents to not be completely slapped in the face if possible."

Agree completely with this and it's why I think you need to be firm with the future mother in law. If she REALLY can't get over a nondenominational ceremony or incorporating both traditions into the ceremony, then don't take her money and plan it completely on your own. She shouldn't be allowed to bully you into doing something you know will be detrimental to your family.

[Edited on August 15, 2011 at 4:41 PM. Reason : a]

8/15/2011 4:40:20 PM

so. . . . . . I'm guessing this is going to be a dry wedding?

8/15/2011 4:41:08 PM

Quote :

"this is basically the worst shame that you can bring on your family"

This is true for most religion converts - Many Christian families would go apenuts over a family member converting to Islam. Just another reason I don't care for religion. My make believe leader is more real than yours!

8/15/2011 4:41:49 PM

elope...

but srsly, good luck.

8/15/2011 4:44:34 PM

have two weddings if it really is that big of a deal. problem solved.

8/15/2011 4:45:55 PM

oddly enough, no this will NOT be a dry wedding

8/15/2011 4:46:15 PM

You could have the smaller ceremony earlier in the day and then the big reception later that night. Invite the christians, her family, and your immediate family/those who aren't going to judge/don't care to both and the muslim side to just the big party.

Or don't invite the muslim side, those who think it's the worst shame ever, at all. Are they a big part of your life? I get the feeling you might not be that close to them. I'd stick to inviting those who care about you no matter what and just not worry about the "shame" It's not like every uncle and aunt and cousin needs to go to your wedding.

8/15/2011 4:49:22 PM

Quote :

"Are they a big part of your life? I get the feeling you might not be that close to them. I'd stick to inviting those who care about you no matter what and just not worry about the "shame" It's not like every uncle and aunt and cousin needs to go to your wedding."

That works in American culture to an extent, but I know in many other cultures it would be a terrible, terrible insult not to invite family to your wedding. This could cause just as many problems for his parents as the current conundrum.

8/15/2011 4:51:22 PM

Yeah, I'm NOT super close with the family that is coming in for the wedding from my dad's side. They are fairly cool and live in America. My parents are just worried that they might tell some of our other cousins who are much more religious, and it will quickly spread (it will).

8/15/2011 4:53:19 PM

heh yeah, that's pretty much a given with any family I think

Again, if you'd like to see my ceremony wording just let me know. I definitely feel you on this situation. My husband's mother had hinted at one point that she wanted us to have a Catholic ceremony, even though neither of us is Catholic. That was an easy veto for us since Catholic churches around here won't let you get married in them if you're not already an established member

8/15/2011 4:57:20 PM

I'd definitely be interested to see the wording you used. Thanks!

8/15/2011 5:05:27 PM

Quote :

"I converted of my own will, and fully believe that I made the right choice. "

Did you even try to research every other religion known to man before picking Christianity?

Do you know Christian history?

8/15/2011 5:14:40 PM

8/15/2011 5:15:17 PM

Who are you giving those rolly eyes to?

8/15/2011 5:19:54 PM

There *has* to be a way to have a Christian and Muslim wedding without creating problems. Afterall, they believe in the same God. It's just an issue of "my prophet is better than your prophet."

8/15/2011 5:39:51 PM

Quote :

"oddly enough, no this will NOT be a dry wedding "

maybe you should have the reception before the ceremony -- Alcohol being the lubrication of society and all that.

If everyone sits down for the ceremony with a nice little buzz, religion will seem like less of a big deal.


on the real -- Good Luck

8/15/2011 6:12:36 PM

Elope. Invite the parents. Then have a reception like a month later for everyone else.

8/15/2011 7:02:15 PM