Saw this on Craigslist. Some people on here have complained that ordering a drink at a bar shouldn't be some type of game, but it in fact is, and here are the rules....

Someone once pointed out to me the fact that there seems to be a micro-economy in the service industry. Restaurant workers take their tip money out to bars and clubs at night and give it to the bartenders, who promptly return it to the waiters and waitresses the next day at lunch. The cycle is almost self-sufficient and is mutually beneficial. Knowing the pain of waiting on customers, each group tips the other well and never raises a fuss. These people do not need to be educated. The rest of you do.

Many of us have stood in a noisy, crowded bar and asked, "What's a guy got to do to get a drink around here?" Well, you're about to find out. Here are some Do's and Don'ts that will keep the relationship between the bartender and bar patron running smoothly.

DON'TS
Fail to have your money ready

We're waiting on you. Everyone else is waiting on us. Therefore, by the Transitive Property of Equality, everyone is waiting on you. Rule #1: Have your shit together. Not only will following Rule #1 get you served quicker in a bar, it's a good general rule to adopt in life and is especially helpful in Central American border crossing scenarios.

Whistle

This is an absolute No-No. You whistle at dogs and pretty ladies, not people.

Wave money

Oh, you've got a dollar!! I'll be right over!! Hopefully I won't break an ankle in my fevered rush to get you your "curz lite." Well, at least you're not breaking the next rule.

Yell out the bartender's first name

There's something deeply psychologically disturbing about hearing your name called out, turning around and seeing a complete stranger. That's one of the reasons strippers use stage names. Bartender's do too. Mine is Pixie.

Say "make it strong!" or "put a lot of liquor in it"

Oh, you're one of the rare drinkers that like their drink strong! When you say this, you're assuming I make weak drinks (which is insulting) and you're assuming that I'll stiffen this one up for my new best buddy, you. This is the best way to get a weak drink.

Give the ever-expanding drink order

You want a Bud. I go get it. I come back and now you want a Margarita. Okay, no prob. I come back, and (oh yeah!) now you want a shot of Tequila, too. You really could have told us this all at once. See Rule #1.

Pull the redirect (or the bait 'n' switch)

Usually used after the money wave or the whistle, this is when the gentlemen passes his turn to the lady behind him. Yeah, um, don't do that, okay? Chances are she's not ready, and your weak attempt at chivalry just cost you your turn. See you in 30 minutes.

Try the confused, lost look

This is usually accompanied by the question "What kind of beer y'all got?" while looking at all the beers we have. You did know you were in a bar, right? You didn't just appear here, did you? Refer to Rule #1.

Order High Maintenance shooters

Example: "Lemme get an Alabama Slammer, a Red Snapper, two Kamikazes, a Buttery Nipple and a Lemon Drop." Usually followed by a small tip. People, these shooters are fine by themselves, but there are multiple steps involved with each one. Translation: Time Sink. You may get them this time, but you'll probably be waited on last the next time we see your face. Here's a clue as to whether or not you're high maintenance; if two bartenders are working and they see you, and they flip a coin and the loser comes over to take your order, pretty good chance you're high maintenance.

Assume we know you're in the band

We know, we know, you're gonna be really famous, but you're not there yet, tiger. Tell us you're in the band and which band you're in. By the way, if you are in a band and get free/reduced drink prices, feel free to tip, as most bartenders are also in bands! It's not like we don't know how it is. Oh, and our bands will smoke your band.

Assume we know you period

Unless you've followed the first "Do" rule below, we don't remember you. You are one of a thousand faces for us, and when you point at an empty glass or a beer bottle that's invariably facing away from us, your attempt at a shortcut backfires. Tell us what you want.

Apologize for sucking

Don't apologize for not tipping. Acknowledging that you suck is not the same as not sucking. Oh, and don't say "I'll get ya next time." We know all about you.

Assume soft drinks are free

Are they free at McDonald's? Are they free at Wal-Mart? Are they free anywhere? I blame M.A.D.D. for this myth.

Put pennies and nickels in the tip jar

We don't want that crap in our pockets any more than you do. We don't have anything smaller than quarters. Have you ever ordered a drink that cost $3.17?

Be "The Microbrew Aficionado"

Usually a pseudo-hippy who can't tip a quarter but can't bring himself to drink "schwag," and who has to sample some new berry-wheat-harvest-ale that he heard about at Burning Man. "Do you have the new Vernal-Equinox Special Welcome-Fest?" "Does Anyone?" Here's your Newcastle. Go.

Be "The Daddy Warbucks"

Dressed in classic day-trader wear, this loud, boisterous guy smokes cigars and orders Martinis and generally exudes an air of money. Until the tip. We hate you.

Be a "Whiney Baby"

Under no circumstances should you ever whine to a bartender when asked to see your ID. Our jobs depend on them, and when we spot a fake/expired ID, don't argue; we've seen and heard it all a million times before, and it will get you absolutely nowhere. If you "don't have one" or "forgot it," forget it; you don't belong out on the town in the first place. That's the law, plain and simple. If we don't have the law, the terrorists win. You don't want the terrorists to win, do you? Bring your ID. Remember Rule #1, from a minute ago?

DO'S
Tip

Tip heavy right off the bat, and you're the first person we aim for every time you come up to the bar. Did you get that? Go back and read it again. The word will spread to the other bartenders and you'll be treated like a prince. It will pay off in better drinks and the occasional free one.

Be patient

All you really need to do to get waited on is make eye contact. We see you, and we'll get to you before the guy right next to you waving money and whistling. Remember, this isn't insulin we're passing out here. If you really need the drink that bad, you've got a problem to address, Jack. The meek shall inherit the bar.

Be an attractive female

As in life, this goes far.

If this comes across as a little petty, remember: bartenders are a jaded lot.

12/15/2011 9:58:56 PM

12/15/2011 9:59:29 PM

that's a big ol' pile of words you got there

12/15/2011 10:03:28 PM

a pile o words worth gold my friend

[Edited on December 15, 2011 at 10:09 PM. Reason : ...]

12/15/2011 10:08:35 PM

Quote :

"Assume soft drinks are free Are they free at McDonald's? Are they free at Wal-Mart? Are they free anywhere? "

yes

at bars, often

12/15/2011 10:09:27 PM

Quote :

"Saw this on Craigslist."

Which is where you should've left it as well.

12/15/2011 10:09:45 PM

[Edited on December 15, 2011 at 10:12 PM. Reason : .]

12/15/2011 10:11:13 PM

pick it apart all you want

the service industry crowd on here will pretty much agree with this word for word

and if a bar is slinging soft drinks for free, then they are attracting the wrong clientele

Quote :

"Saw this on Craigslist." Which is where you should've left it as well. "

just as bad as saying "Saw this on TWW"

12/15/2011 10:12:42 PM

man, they have it so rough making like $30/hr to open fucking bottles of beer. but i don't go to bars where i don't know everybody working anyways

12/15/2011 10:14:50 PM

No one is going to pick it apart.

It's a shitty thread.

12/15/2011 10:14:53 PM

yet you have already replied twice

12/15/2011 10:15:24 PM

Quote :

"You whistle at dogs and pretty ladies, not people. "

Stopped reading there. Guess pretty ladies aren't people.

If this is the dumbshit bartenders spew then I'll just stay home and make my own damn drinks.

12/15/2011 10:16:16 PM

Here's a third.

We're "no thread left behind"-ing this sucker right to the top.

12/15/2011 10:17:05 PM

Occupy Bartending Thread

12/15/2011 10:17:43 PM

the only rule to follow when approaching the bar is to assume the bartender is an incompetant fucktard that would have a different job if they had any sense.

12/15/2011 10:18:03 PM

I'm glad this thread has already attracted those who it was intended for

12/15/2011 10:20:42 PM

you could have at least gave us a tl;dr

it's 2011 - we all have 5 second attention spans

12/15/2011 10:23:38 PM

tips for being an employee in the service industry

#1 don't expect people to respect your job
#2 your crying on craigslist or whatever cool blog you have won't change peoples habits
#3 get out of the service industry

I'm Krallum and I approved this message.

12/15/2011 10:29:07 PM

free soft drinks is pretty much a given if you're a regular or you know the bartender

just sayin'

12/15/2011 10:30:56 PM

truth. we've all been bartenders before, too. it was nice, but real adults have health insurance.

12/15/2011 10:32:55 PM

since when are soft drinks free at bars?

what sorcery is this

12/15/2011 10:49:58 PM

i know plenty of bartenders with health insurance

12/15/2011 10:50:35 PM

Where do you not get free soda at the bar?

I don't get it.

12/15/2011 10:55:14 PM

WUT

12/15/2011 10:56:00 PM

I've never had to pay for a soda at a bar is what I mean BUBBOB

12/15/2011 11:01:26 PM

I mean I guess I haven't really been in that situation very often where I was at a bar and drank soda

but I remember paying for at least the first one and obviously getting refills for free

but anyway.

12/15/2011 11:02:19 PM

instead of water at the end of the night, sometimes I get a coke

not the smartest idea ever....but I've never had to pay

12/15/2011 11:05:16 PM

go ahead buy me a drink
you won't get laid

12/15/2011 11:07:04 PM

Quote :

"HOW TO ORDER DRINKS 1) don't be a douchebag 2) have your order and payment+tip ready 3) ... 4) profit"

did we need 3 pages for that?

12/15/2011 11:08:01 PM

i thought it was an entertaining read

12/15/2011 11:21:28 PM

it was entertaining for one paragraph, then it gets ridiculously condescending to anyone who has ever been to a bar. We are not fucking retarded, you work at a bar... that is what bar tenders do

I always tip my waiters/waitresses well. So it was just obnoxious to me.

12/15/2011 11:47:41 PM

It wasn't condescending IMO, bc people do that shit all the time

If it didn't happen constantly, no one would have written it

12/15/2011 11:50:13 PM

it was the 'whistling at the dogs and ladies' comment that made me no longer value his opinion. While he was attempting to make a valid and serious point, he was sending a CL e-slap of a lifetime to womenz.... but sounds like he had a rough night, I guess that is why he semi anonumously bitched on craigslist.



[Edited on December 16, 2011 at 12:01 AM. Reason : im confused]

12/15/2011 11:56:41 PM

This doesn't happen at good bars

I'm Krallum and I approved this message.

12/15/2011 11:57:22 PM

Mr. Goodbar?

12/15/2011 11:59:17 PM

When are bartenders going to finally be replaced by vending machines?

12/15/2011 11:59:37 PM

^^lol

12/16/2011 12:01:56 AM

I think yall are just reading into it too much.

12/16/2011 12:01:57 AM

Quote :

"instead of water at the end of the night, sometimes I get coke not the smartest idea ever....but I've never had to pay"

glenwood south regular?

[Edited on December 16, 2011 at 12:28 AM. Reason : i see what i did there.]

12/16/2011 12:27:07 AM

hey tenderfoot move your chicken wings

12/16/2011 12:36:02 AM

This was too long. I didn't read it.

12/16/2011 12:36:46 AM

Quote :

"the only rule to follow when approaching the bar is to assume the bartender is an incompetant fucktard that would have a different job if they had any sense."

I don't fully agree with this as each individual is different, but there is some truth to it, and its legitimately funny.

12/16/2011 5:05:28 AM

I always leave a hefty tip of 10-15%.

12/16/2011 7:43:10 AM

It's pretty much on point...with a few wrong ones. I never charged for soft drinks, but lots of other bartenders do.

This is also true:

Quote :

"HOW TO ORDER DRINKS 1) don't be a douchebag 2) have your order and payment+tip ready 3) ... 4) profit"

[Edited on December 16, 2011 at 7:49 AM. Reason : .]

12/16/2011 7:49:21 AM

if i order a soft drink, and don't get charged, boom, automatic 5 bucks.

if i order a soft drink, and get charged, i round to the nearest dollar and throw another buck on top.

12/16/2011 7:56:17 AM

Quote :

"man, they have it so rough making like $30/hr to open fucking bottles of beer. but i don't go to bars where i don't know everybody working anyways"

They also have to use their mad skillz to make mixed drinks, keep the bar clean and well-stocked, enforce the legal drinking age, determine whether their customers have "had enough," monitor the crowd for signs of disruption, and listen to sad sacks tell them about their problems.

12/16/2011 9:01:00 AM

All very rare skills

12/16/2011 9:04:58 AM

Bartending isn't rocket science...but the majority of people couldn't handle it. It's fun at the beginning and definitely has its moments/advantages...but there's a reason most bartenders get "burnt out" after about 5 years. Dealing with you know-it-all pricks every night takes it toll.

12/16/2011 9:20:19 AM

Yeah I think I saw this back in '95. [old]

12/16/2011 9:20:38 AM

do bartenders prefer cash for each drink or running tabs that are paid at the end of the night?

[Edited on December 16, 2011 at 10:08 AM. Reason : ]

12/16/2011 10:08:03 AM