How long after dating someone new have you had a point of conflict and how did you two handle it?

My girlfriend and I broke up last week and I really can't figure out if we broke up because she really just never got over the ex (and she perhaps started talking to him again in November), she really was being unreasonable arguing about dumbshit and flipping after saying she was being annoying (see full story below) when she really was pushing my buttons, or was i just being a jerk and pushed her back to her ex.

Full Story

I met this (what I thought) great girl that I started dating in September. Hot, smart, similar interests, and values. We clicked right away and probably moved things a lot quicker than is normal for people are age. We were hanging out like 4-5 (sometimes 6 days a week) including just a mid-week booty call; except of course if one of use were out of town.

Everything was going great than in the start of November I made the mistake of saying some form of "you are being annoying" or "that is really annoying" (I'm fairly confident I never actually said she WAS annoying which was her intepretation). She had done a few things previously to irritate me. She is very sarcastic, stubborn, and can have an abrasive tone at times (though when she wants can be very sweet). These two times in particular when i highlighted her behavior as annoying, however, it was because she kept pushing an issue and during the 2nd incident I was semi-grumpy at her anyway for other reasons. She flipped out and got incredibly upset. Both times after realizing what I had done; I apologized profusely. After the 1st incident, after i politely excused myself from bed since I didn't feel right spending the night since she was so upset she came around; apologized for irritating me and we had make-up sex. The second time was at my place she stormed out of my place half crying; I chased after her apologizing without any luck. She barely spoke to me the next 2 days, I attempted to explain when she asked "WTF my deal was on a phone call" on why I acted the way. I gave her my view while empathetically admitting under no circumstances was it ok to call her annoying. Finally 3 days later on Saturday we finally hung out again.

Either way the dynamic of our relationship changed. She started being very emotionally distant, selfish with what our plans were, and pick fights/arguing about the dumbest things. For example one time in front of her friends she stated (I thought sarcasm) that Atlanta was the biggest city on the east coast outside of new england, after having been semi-rude about something else. So I was responded what about philly, dc, baltimore, etc. "She was like that's new england". I was dumbfounded and matter-of-factly stated that New England is only states x,y, & z. She got so mad that I corrected her in front of her friends and contradicted her (although she doesn't hesitate to do that to me).

This shit went on for a week. Finally it seemed cooler heads prevailed and we seemed to be getting along. She came over for Thanksgiving with my family. Saturday when we awoke she was acting really weird. Being very distant, claimed she was feeling good, and we barely talked before parting ways before her 11am haircut. She then blew off her Saturday night plans we had to go out with her co-worker. Sunday she became unresponsive and so I gave her some space waiting until fucking Tuesday for her to apologize for being distant and that we needed to talk.

Apparently one of her Ex's called her Sunday and they talked and realized she still may have feelings for him, they apparently broke up after fighting a bunch then over "something I(she) can't even remember". She was all confused now and is afraid she'll miss out on "what could have been" if they don't reconnect. She claimed that she felt like our personalities clashed too much, we weren't going to work out and that the break-up is just coincidental.

[Edited on December 9, 2014 at 4:44 PM. Reason : a]

[Edited on December 9, 2014 at 4:44 PM. Reason : a]

12/9/2014 4:35:43 PM

nm... i'll wait on the jokes.

12/9/2014 4:38:59 PM

^ Probably would have made this a Lounge topic but doesn't seem very hopping these days lol

BTW i know I will get some flame posts as I tend to troll on chit-chat a bunch for a laugh but I really am not that big of an ass or abrasive IRL. A few legit responses would be appreciated, i've held a lot back from my friends just cause i felt semi-embarrassed becoming so into a girl so quickly. I was really hurt by this as we connected instantly, were close, and had such chemistry. During the 2-months of "good times" I got closer to her and had such a deeper relationship than girls I've dated for a lot longer since my ex of 3 years and I broke up in 2012 only to dissolve over the course of 12 days .



[Edited on December 9, 2014 at 4:46 PM. Reason : a]

12/9/2014 4:41:54 PM

I've never had a conflict in my life

I'm Krallum and I approved this message.

12/9/2014 4:44:51 PM

She never got over her ex, and you were her rebound. Don't bring it up to your friends because it's embarrassing that you didn't recognize it while it was happening.

Next question.

12/9/2014 4:46:53 PM

maybe she just got spooked with how intense it got so quickly. maybe she was needing some kind of connection after her last breakup and it just so happened to be you. i don't want to use the term "using you" but perhaps she just needed to fill that "relationship" void and you came along at that right time. but by the time she came out of it you were deeply invested. i feel like most guys have been on that end of the shit stick before.

12/9/2014 4:48:42 PM

good call think both of you are right. Though supposedly they broke up like early spring or something... after dating for a year. During part of that year she was in the middle of divorcing some dude (got married only for green card reasons but were together 4-years).

We definitely had a lot in common and good chemistry (at least at first) but things went very wrong like you guys pointed out.

[Edited on December 9, 2014 at 4:51 PM. Reason : a]

12/9/2014 4:49:12 PM

It's not because of the ex, the ex didn't cause it. if she was happy with you and things were working she wouldn't have answered the call from the ex (or at least wouldn't have started wondering if something was still there). the thing with the ex is a symptom of other problems, not the cause.

every girl keeps options open and some other guy available until things become very serious and committed; they only pursue that option if something isn't working out. when things are working out, they let that backup dissolve away.


[Edited on December 9, 2014 at 4:52 PM. Reason : u]

12/9/2014 4:50:36 PM

Quote :

"Apparently one of her Ex's called her Sunday"

A random Ex or the very most recent Ex?

Quote :

"the thing with the ex is a symptom of other problems, not the cause."

that. we can try to make you feel better by saying "oh you were just a rebound and due to be discarded at any time" but there's obviously way more at play here

Quote :

"Though supposedly they broke up like early spring or something... after dating for a year. During part of that year she was in the middle of divorcing some dude (got married only for green card reasons but were together 4-years)."

Do what now?

[Edited on December 9, 2014 at 4:53 PM. Reason : age diff?]

12/9/2014 4:51:21 PM

Quote :

" she wouldn't have answered the call from the ex"

girls will always answer the call from the ex.

12/9/2014 4:54:04 PM

nah, not if the ex isn't one of the pots on the back burners

also i included:
(or at least wouldn't have started wondering if something was still there)

12/9/2014 4:56:09 PM

This girl sounds like an idiot. But you're also a racist dickbag, so you should have lowered your standards and not called her out about the New England shit.

You'll either need to settle for a really hot dumb girl or a smart average looking girl.

12/9/2014 5:00:32 PM

Quote :

". if she was happy with you and things were working she wouldn't have answered the call from the ex"

I'm fully aware of that and am afraid this may be the truth. At the same time it seemed like something very much changed in our relationship in November.
She was making my life very difficult by mid-month. I feel like I could have done more to maybe salvage things but I was getting so physcially/emotionally tired and frustrated that it was really difficult.

I dunno if this all started due "annoying" comment pushed her away or she sub-consciously was trying to push me away. I know this ex did text her while we were dating I oversaw her texting guy named "Michael" back in late October. She told me truthfully and let me read a very boring non-reactive (convo) message string. I played it cool and didn't act jealous.
We were doing well so I just shrugged it off.

12/9/2014 5:00:51 PM

5 to 6 times a week is too much to see each other at the beginning of a relationship

you have to have your own lives, friends, me time, whatever

how long was she single before you two met?

looks like you were a rebound, if all it took was a few arguements / disagreements to start to show disinterest...

don't chase. looks like she likes drama.

12/9/2014 5:01:55 PM

Quote :

"Do what now?[quote] She dated a guy for four years to whom she married for green card reasons. They broke up due to him cheating on her twice. While divorcing him apparently she met and fell in love with some other dude whom she is now "working things out with". Supposedly they broke up in the spring but I know she was having sex with someone in August in Greenville SC, before moving to Charlotte. [quote]You'll either need to settle for a really hot dumb girl or a smart average looking girl."

she was hot, smart, and stubborn. perhaps the problem.

Quote :

"5 to 6 times a week is too much to see each other at the beginning of a relationship you have to have your own lives, friends, me time, whatever how long was she single before you two met?"

I really think if the ex wasn't in the equation we really just need a week or two to reset realizing she was being ridiculous and that we had so much fun otherwise. The arguments were really so stupid and just felt like we were getting annoyed from spending so much time together. You are right though we were spending too much time together. She was really clingy from the beginning and was making plans for us for Halloween after we were dating 2 weeks in September and were talking about a S. America Trip in March before the 2nd incident where I said she was being annoying.

Part of the problem was she just moved to town in beginning of September and had one friend. I liked her a lot so I just worked her into my routine and let her come to things that I planned on doing anyway.

She was supposedly single since Feb/March if I understood her right which means the dude she banged in August was just a one night stand or bang buddy.

Quote :

"" she wouldn't have answered the call from the ex""

She answered the call because at that point allegedly she knew we were done. I truly believe she was invested in building a relationship with me up to some point until the beginning of November.

I just can't figure out if

a. she was really being ridiculous and my reaction pushed her away making it easy to monkey vine back to her ex

b. maybe I do have a problem should have controlled myself by not calling her behavior annoying and not getting sucked into silly arguments which pushed her away

c. she sub-consciously or knowingly was trying to drive me away because this guy started chatting and she realized she still like him.

[Edited on December 9, 2014 at 5:27 PM. Reason : a]

12/9/2014 5:07:24 PM

imo, moving too fast doesn't matter

if you're meshing, you're meshing, who cares what the "normal" timescale is.

but yeah, if you're running after each other in the parking lot, it's probably not going to go well

[Edited on December 9, 2014 at 5:26 PM. Reason : ]

12/9/2014 5:25:21 PM

Quote :

"a. she was really being ridiculous and my reaction pushed her away making it easy to monkey vine back to her ex b. maybe I do have a problem should have controlled myself by not calling her behavior annoying and not getting sucked into silly arguments which pushed her away"

Honestly either way with these two bullets I really feel like I would have made myself a pussy and opened myself to being pushed around by her.

She knowingly see's herself as a more dominant/strong-willed personality. I don't have to be in control all the time but I don't like someone always telling me "No you are wrong" or continuously doing stuff to push my buttons even if it is "just being silly".

[Edited on December 9, 2014 at 5:31 PM. Reason : l]

[Edited on December 9, 2014 at 5:31 PM. Reason : a]

12/9/2014 5:31:00 PM

dont worry about it; i did some research and it turns out she has a black ancestor

12/9/2014 5:33:06 PM

if she was willing to go back to her ex, she was never over him in the first place. you dodged a bullet there, buddy. just be glad you found out she was still into him sooner than later.

also, relationships are just about how much of shit you're willing to put up with. perhaps she wasn't willing to put up with your shit any more.

either way, just move on and find new bottom bitch.

12/9/2014 5:35:08 PM

Perhaps I did dodge a bullet or get out of what may have been a nasty situation had a real issue come up, not "what states are new england" ,or "the pros of German culture.". i was sharing my observations and opinions from my two trips to Germany plus from reading and talking to germans i work with, she said I was wrong then when I defended my position she got heated saying I hate america, that is when I actually got mad but was like fuck it your right. This was after the new england incident and calling annoying incident so perhaps she was already stubbornly determined I was a stubborn argumentative who always had to be right. Ironically so many times I really did just bite my tongue or throw the towel on things just to make her happy.

I guess I'll never really know the truth. Just sucks I'm normally pretty guarded with chicks. I don't get attached or open up my emotions that easily or quickly. As an engineer she is the same way about feelings yet when we met and at first it was just this instant connection between us and how quickly we built an emotional connection. I've never experienced anything like it, closest to love at first sight I've ever had. Seems rediculous to end because I corrected her on a random fact in front of friends or I lost my cool calling her annoying after fucking with me about an issue that she kept pressing me on.

[Edited on December 9, 2014 at 6:23 PM. Reason : l]

12/9/2014 6:15:38 PM

It's hard to speak to your specific relationship by I try not to focus on material goods and what they signify. I find it comes down to one simple point i.e. She likes me for me. Not because I look like Tyson Beckford With the charm of Robert Redford Oozing out my ears But what she sees Are my faults and indecisions My insecure conditions And the tears upon the pillow that I shed She don't care about my big screen Or my collection of DVD's Things like that just never mattered much to her Plus she don't watch to much t.v. And she don't care that I can fly her To places she ain't never been But if she really wants to go I think deep down she knows that All she has to say is when She likes me for me Not because I hang with Leonardo Or that guy who played in "Fargo" I think his name is Steve She's the one for me And I just can't live without her My arms belong around her And I'm so glad I found her once again And I'm so glad I found her once again And I'm so glad I found her once again Gazing at the ceiling as we entertain our feelings in the dark The things that we're afraid of are gonna show us what we're made of in the end She likes me for me Not because I sing like Pavarotti Or because I am such a hottie I like her for her Not because she's phat like Cindy Crawford She has got so much to offer Why does she waste all her time with me There must be something there that I don't see She likes me for me Not because I'm tough like Dirty Hairy Make her laugh just like Jim Carrey Unlike the Cable Guy But what she sees Is that I can't live without her My arms belong around her And I'm so glad I found her once again Found her once again I'm so glad I found her once again

12/9/2014 6:18:06 PM

Quote :

"She likes me for me. "

Awesome song! Though really did seem like she did like me for me . There was never any games between us. She hates both competition and being wrong. Just seems like at the first sign of trouble and a little friction she distanced herself exaberrated the problem by sucking me into dumb arguments, decided I was too much trouble and opened herself back to her ex. Except for the one time when she invited me to check out a new for her sushi, then volunteered me to drive her (though she did drive 20min to my place) to a sushi restaurant all the way in university area about 12miles away when there were a shit ton of good ones she hasn't been too within 3-4 miles away. She never let me live that down, as an example of us only doing what I want to do when in reality over this I over compensated to please her.

BTW don't think I mentioned it but she had the whole monotonous talk with me on the 3rd date. I just said yes because it was the only obstacle from me bedding her.

[Edited on December 9, 2014 at 6:38 PM. Reason : l]

12/9/2014 6:32:43 PM

On a serious note, to answer your first question, it doesn't do much good to look at their problems, you won't be able to address them. What you do control is yourself so it's a good time to look at what you feel you did well and will continue to do and what you feel you did not do well and may consider a change.

12/9/2014 6:45:06 PM

This is a lot of analysis over a two month relationship. She could have just decided she didn't like you anymore. She could have made up the ex story to give you some kind of reason other than "fuck off".

Be grateful it only took her two months to realize this and not two years and move on

[Edited on December 10, 2014 at 6:07 AM. Reason : .]

12/10/2014 6:07:03 AM

HUR calling someone else annoying?

That's like OJ Simpson talking shit about Rae Carruth

But seriously, let her go. You're allowed to tolerate that type of behavior only in the two extreme stages of the relationship: before you've slept with her, or in a 6+ month serious LTR. Since you're in no man's land, throw her back and find someone who has at least a sixth grader's understanding of geography.

12/10/2014 6:59:45 AM

Hey not trolling here in the slightest, but I've found that sometimes it works, and sometimes it just doesn't, and it's not necessarily anyone's fault. you can't change how someone feels via logic (as much as you might want to)... and this is the root of a LOT of conflict. I dated a girl for maybe a month or two back in the day but we just didn't really go forward after that... i told myself that maybe her involvement in her new sorority took up too much time (she was in delta gamma i think right when they formed a chapter at NC State) but in the end we just didn't have the feelings for each other, and looking back i realized that it was probably a good thing we ended it early... personalities just didn't mesh a whole lot, and I just liked the physical stuff. anyway enough rambling. haven't had coffee yet.

12/10/2014 7:13:53 AM

Quote :

"This is a lot of analysis over a two month relationship"

&

Quote :

"I've found that sometimes it works, and sometimes it just doesn't"

All good points. I've dated some major bitches, had girls cheat on me, and done things that legitimately deserved being broken up over.

Like I said what was confounded me was we really did match so well the first two months and perhaps things moved faster than they should have. During the 3 weeks of the downward slide all the drama was always spun that I was the one being unreasonable, stubborn, argumentative, and she was really trying to be make us work but i kept turning stuff into a conflict. I know I have my faults but I just don't feel like I was being that unreasonable or being that big of an asshat.

Quote :

"seriously, let her go. You're allowed to tolerate that type of behavior only in the two extreme stages of the relationship: before you've slept with her, or in a 6+ month serious LTR. Since you're in no man's land, throw her back and find someone who has at least a sixth grader's understanding of geography."

Yep working on it. Actually have a date with a girl i met last weekend. My big thing was to really figure out what I did wrong as someone mentioned above to fix and keep doing things I do well. That waythe next girl that I really start seriously dating I don't make the same mistakes.

[Edited on December 10, 2014 at 7:56 AM. Reason : a]

12/10/2014 7:52:17 AM

I didn't read your follow up posts, but I think you're being a pansy.

Stop apologizing for her dumb shit. She got annoyed, you didn't do anything wrong. Her being annoying and not having an adult conversation is her problem, you are just being you.
If you said you were going to do X and don't, apologize. If you fuck her sister, apologize.

She has the issues, and it sounds like you are being too clingy. Example, calling her out "Matter of factly", that's a bitch move. I'm not saying you are a bitch, just doing bitch moves.
Time to park it in neutral, and decide not to accept disrespect from women.

good luck

12/10/2014 8:44:36 AM

Quote :

"BTW don't think I mentioned it but she had the whole monotonous talk with me on the 3rd date"

What is is this in reference to, is there some kind of standard talk that happens on the 3rd date that I'm not aware of?

EDIT: I just realized he probably meant monogamous, HUR is dumb

[Edited on December 10, 2014 at 8:58 AM. Reason : .]

12/10/2014 8:45:34 AM

oh, and dont:

12/10/2014 8:54:55 AM

Quote :

"I just said yes because it was the only obstacle from me bedding her."

Well this is a giant fucking red flag. This may show how you really felt about her. Just something to bed. Perhaps that's why things went downhill fast. Yes, fast... you didn't even finish out the honeymoon stage.

You telling her that something she did was annoying was bound to have a negative reaction. How do you react when people tell you things like that? It's much easier to have an adult conversation by saying something like, "You know, it's really embarrassing when you correct me un front of my friends. I know that you might not realize that it comes across that way, that's why I wanted to say something. Since it upsets me, it would probably hurt you if I did that as well, so I'll make sure to support you when you are with your friends, too." Don't point out someone's faults in an accusatory way. Tell them how their actions make you feel.

Her point about having different personalities seems true. Why can't that be the problem that broke you up in itself?

12/10/2014 9:11:15 AM

you're so annoying.

[Edited on December 10, 2014 at 9:23 AM. Reason : don't be mad. let's make out.]

12/10/2014 9:22:46 AM

How old was this girl?

12/10/2014 9:28:05 AM

Quote :

"This may show how you really felt about her."

To be fair a 3rd date, 5 days after we met seemed a little early at the time to signing the dotted line to a committed exclusive relationship. Not that I didn't want that, it just seemed unusually early to bring something like this up.

Quote :

"It's much easier to have an adult conversation by saying something like..."

You are right though when there was a problem she didn't seem to handle the conflict like an adult. Everything was always black and white.

^ She was 28



[Edited on December 10, 2014 at 9:36 AM. Reason : a]

12/10/2014 9:30:14 AM

Quote :

"To be fair a 3rd date, 5 days after we met seemed a little early at the time to signing the dotted line to a committed exclusive relationship. Not that I didn't want that, it just seemed unusually early to bring something like this up."

Ummm... so why did you agree with it? By agreeing to something that you didn't want to do purely for sex with her, you are lying about how you felt. This sets up the relationship on a very rocky ground from the beginning. If you thought it was too soon, you should have said so.

Quote :

"You are right though when there was a problem she didn't seem to handle the conflict like an adult. "

No, my point was that neither of you are acting like adults.

12/10/2014 9:35:30 AM

Quote :

"it was the only obstacle from me bedding her."

jesus christ.

12/10/2014 9:39:18 AM

I'm surprised so many people actually read all that

12/10/2014 9:39:40 AM

^^ thank you for also understand how fucking disgusting that statement was.

12/10/2014 9:40:04 AM

the worst part is you read that and think "there is no way this guy really talks like that". but i know him and yes...he really talks like that.

12/10/2014 9:42:38 AM

^^ yeah that was fucked up to say and not quite the truth about how I felt. Really it comes back to my general suspicion towards women to begin with and how normally I have a hesitation to make an emotional investment.
I really was interested in her, and was not talking/seeking other women after this. At the same time I thought it was very forward and early though I wasn't going to complain because she seemed like someone I did want to date.





[Edited on December 10, 2014 at 10:01 AM. Reason : a]

12/10/2014 9:45:44 AM

have you been in many monotonous relationships?

12/10/2014 9:57:42 AM

Quote :

"but I just don't feel like I was being that unreasonable or being that big of an asshat."

Doubtful.

Quote :

"Seems rediculous to end because I corrected her on a random fact in front of friends "

Lol we all know that's not why it ended dummy.

Quote :

" but I think you're being a pansy."

Quote :

" it sounds like you are being too clingy. Example, calling her out "Matter of factly", that's a bitch move. I'm not saying you are a bitch, just doing bitch moves. Time to park it in neutral, and decide not to accept disrespect"

Quote :

"I just realized he probably meant monogamous, HUR is dumb"

+1

Quote :

"Tell them how their actions make you feel. "

He's probably not capable.

Quote :

"o be fair a 3rd date, 5 days after we met seemed a little early at the time to signing the dotted line to a committed exclusive relationship. Not that I didn't want that, it just seemed unusually early to bring something like this up."

I don't know why you keep harping on this stupid timeline thing.

Quote :

"Really it comes back to my general suspicion towards women to begin with"

Yeah, the problem is with women, not your stupid racist ass.

12/10/2014 10:15:47 AM

Quote :

"This is a lot of analysis over a two month relationship."

I came here to post this. Glad someone else mentioned it, carry on.

12/10/2014 10:19:42 AM

Yeah it seems like most of this thread (and probably the reason for it's existence) is him trying to figure out what was going on in her head etc.

Just drop it dude. You got dumped. Move the fuck on.

Quote :

""the pros of German culture.". i was sharing my observations and opinions from my two trips to Germany plus from reading and talking to germans i work with"

Wait lemme guess...you're one of those dudes who extols Hitler's leadership skills, political acumen, and oratorical power.

12/10/2014 10:22:20 AM

Maybe the OP should read a little about women... since it seems like he doesn't understand us shady, crazy, vagina-owning humans...

http://www.doctornerdlove.com/2014/07/what-women-want/

12/10/2014 10:31:57 AM

Quote :

"Yeah it seems like most of this thread (and probably the reason for it's existence) is him trying to figure out what was going on in her head etc."

pretty much

There were some definite warning signs early on the more i ponder on it. During the first few weeks I was looking for new slacks to wear for work at the outlet mall. She insisted I purchase a pair from Banana Republic for $80 cause they "fit better" even though Express had a very similar style fitting pants for $40. I never argued I just politely said i'm getting the express ones since I can get two for the price of one of the BR ones. I guess being in the honey moon phase she dropped the subject but she made sure she commented on me "wearing the pants she didn't want me to get" quite a few times when I wore them.

Quote :

"Wait lemme guess...you're one of those dudes who extols Hitler's leadership skills, political acumen, and oratorical power."

Germany is actually a really cool place....

[Edited on December 10, 2014 at 10:40 AM. Reason : a]

12/10/2014 10:34:22 AM

ALL OF YOU NOW HAVE HERPES



/thread

12/10/2014 10:41:01 AM

Quote :

"Maybe the OP should read a little about women... since it seems like he doesn't understand us shady, crazy, vagina-owning humans..."

you're asking a guy who lives by the word of Neil Strauss to consider women's feelings? HA

12/10/2014 10:43:57 AM

Just read full OP:


Two points:

Female: You sound like a dirty ho-bag who just fucks to be like yo let's fuck (ya ho)

Male: You sound like you have Asperger's syndrome (e.g.,we had debates about the typical census density of cities on the greater east Atlantic and this caused discord....)



Full quote:
"that Atlanta was the biggest city on the east coast outside of new england, after having been semi-rude about something else. So I was responded what about philly, dc, baltimore, etc. "She was like that's new england". I was dumbfounded and matter-of-factly stated that New England is only states x,y, & z. She got so mad that I corrected her in front of her friends and contradicted he"

[Edited on December 10, 2014 at 10:57 AM. Reason : Even so, try correcting a girl in front of her friends and see if she still wants to fuck you]

12/10/2014 10:50:17 AM

Quote :

"Female: You sound like a dirty ho-bag who just fucks to be like yo let's fuck (ya ho)"

Errr it was the male trying to get in the female's pants here...

Quote :

"You sound like you have Asperger's syndrome"

That's probably pretty low on the list of problems here...

12/10/2014 11:11:13 AM