Two weeks ago I told my father that I no longer wanted him in my life. It's an incredibly long story on how it finally led to this, but long story short he simply doesn't know how to be a father and is extremely self-centered. While I do not regret my decision at all, it is hitting me harder than I expected. The only way I can think to describe it is that I am feeling what seems like every emotion possible right now, and it is overwhelming. I am relieved that I will not be constantly hurt, but I am sad that it even had to come to this. I'm also angry that I am letting it get to me so much, and that the fear of him not listening and trying to recontact me creeps into my mind so often. While he knew basically nothing about me and was never there, the one connection we had was college basketball and watching the State-UNC game made me sad (he's a UNC fan). Then I was angry because those happy moments watching basketball were few compared to all the hurtful times.

I had a bad reaction to something he sent me (postmarked the day after I had re-explained that I wanted him out of my life since he didn't get it the first night), and I sent it back with a note that probably made me look nuts to an outsider. It was extremely cathartic but then I started to regret actually mailing it because I was worried it was too mean. I have been suffering for years from his words and actions, and yet I was worried about how that response made him feel - how fucked up is that? After that incident I felt like I was going to snap like a rubber band because all those emotions were stirred up and kept building, and I wasn't really talking about it. I can now admit to myself I need help and it needs to be from someone objective.

I am scheduled to see a counselor this week, but I think there's still value in hearing how others have coped in similar situations. I know time heals all wounds or whatever, but I want to work on this right away and not let myself slip into major depression as I know the further down the rabbit hole you go, the harder it is to get out.

It doesn't have to be experience with a parent necessarily as Im sure having other estranged relatives, such as siblings, would be similar.

I do want to make a few requests for this thread:
1. Yes this is TWW, but I put this in the lounge for a reason so srs answers only, please. Really, don't be a dick.
2. Please do not feel sorry for me or others who may post in this thread as I am truly better off and don't want pity.
3. Please do NOT question whether the relationship can be salvaged, or make comments such as "hopefully he will change one day." I'm sorry if that sounds like a bitchy comment, but I have already heard that so many times from other family members and people who have never gone through something like this and I don't want to hear it. Best wishes to him on truly changing, but if I have contact with him in the future that would mean I have opened myself up to potential pain. This decision was not an idle threat, I am serious as a heart attack and just want to move on with my life.

Again, sorry if that last one sounds bitchy but it has been one of the biggest hurdles so far as I have had to constantly defend myself.

Thank you in advance for any advice y'all can offer.

1/25/2015 2:58:48 PM

I have no intentions of ever speaking to my mother again because she's an awful person. But I don't and never have had any guilt over it. I hope you can get past the guilt and move on soon

1/25/2015 3:14:40 PM

somewhat relevant, in case you missed it:
message_topic.aspx?topic=644148

1/25/2015 3:21:11 PM

https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/

1/25/2015 4:56:36 PM

There will be ups and downs. Some days you will know you made the right decision for yourself, your future, your family. Other days you will feel like a shitty human being. Life stuff will happen and it will make you doubt yourself. Don't.

That is much easier said than done. I still doubt myself.

1/25/2015 8:41:45 PM

My wife made the same decision concerning her mom a few years ago. We were seeing a counselor at the time because of a lot of stress in our life, on top of having a kid and me leaving my job it seemed like a good preemptive move to speak with someone.
We started to realize how much of our stress was due to her mother, and how toxic her behavior was. At the counselor's behest, we gave an ultimatum - seek professional help (therapy/counseling) or stop contacting us. She chose the latter and hasn't seen my wife in 3 years and hasn't met her youngest grandson.

It was really tough on my wife at first, but after some time we started to realize that a lot of the issues we had with outburst and stress were gone. Having a counselor really helped with making the decision and living with the consequences, he helped to put things in perspective and provide a more objective view on her behavior and what we could expect.

Its difficult to come to the realization as an adult that a parent can be so damaging. We left a door open in her case with the prerequisite of seeking a therapists help, or at least getting counseling together with my wife. That has helped some since its not a complete no-contact, and if in the future she realizes some of the damage she's done, we can work with her on repairing some it and helping her get treatment for her issues.

It sounds like you're doing the right thing. Seeking counseling is a smart choice, one that a lot of people struggle to make.

Obligatory cliches: Time heals all wounds, it gets better, etc.
In these cases its true. It is tough now, but things really do get better.

1/25/2015 10:15:45 PM

I forgot I was in the Lounge.

1/25/2015 10:28:08 PM

What did he do to warrant excommunication?

1/25/2015 11:45:14 PM

^ curious too

1/25/2015 11:57:56 PM

Thanks for the responses so far everyone. Mtn Man, I gave him an ultimatum four years ago and it recently became clear nothing had changed and the only reason I thought our relationship was getting better was a side effect of becoming closer with his now ex-girlfriend. Since she was so involved in our lives they would call on speaker, but once they broke up it was back to the same nonsense of before where every conversation was 3 minutes long, all about him, then he would have to go.

He has always done and said horrible shit, like telling me on my high school graduation day he was taking a year off from any family obligations, or giving this seemingly heartfelt speech at my wedding that was actually a story about my sister. The moment where I started to question if I could do it anymore was when he visited over the summer. It was the worst visit I have ever had with him, and he was in a bad place - literally suicidal. The first night we went out to dinner and I am not kidding when I say the entire conversation was about his nervous breakdown and how he thought about killing himself, and how depressed he was that his ex girlfriend would not take him back. This is where the not knowing how to be a father thing comes in, because he also told me about the rebound woman who dumped him after he left his ex, and who happened to be his first love. He told me how she didn't have a wrinkle on her body, like that's something you can talk about to your daughter. From there it got worse and he would call me to tell me he almost drove into one of those huge light poles on the interstate in ATL, then say he had to go and hung up. He met another woman soon, as is his pattern, and he seemed to be getting better. But every phone call was about him. He never takes an interest in mine or my sister's lives but thinks he does - I don't know if that makes sense. We could tell him everything going on with his life but he wouldn't be able to follow up on anything in ours unless he read something on FB.

I called him on his birthday, which is right before Christmas, and from there he sent me a text on Christmas (at midnight) and a text on New Years day. (PS my sisters birthday is NYE and he texted her.) The convo on his bday made me upset as did every conversation at that point, and I just couldn't bring myself to speak to him. He called once New Years day that evening, then again in the 11th. I knew that was my moment so I called him back. If this were my stepdad and I hadn't responded to even just a standard text he would be calling asking what's wrong. When I spoke to my father he acted like nothing was wrong and kept going on and on to his new girlfriend on speaker about how he showed her all these pictures on FB and was oblivious. Even when I told him I was done, he still sent an email that proved everything I had been feeling as he made the entire thing about him.

He even ended it with, "I would like to know why you think I am not being good to you. I can't do things better unless we talk." He has told me himself in two separate occasions that he knows he has been a shitty father (his words). I could go on but you have to remember there's 20+ years of this and I don't feel like justifying myself to tww. :/

In short, I couldn't take it anymore. Like I told him, when I start to question what's wrong with me to make a parent not want to be involved in my life or show they love me, that's a problem.

I want to clarify on one thing, where I said he seemed to be getting better - at this point I asked him if he was seeing a therapist and after he said no, had he considered one. He basically said he was good because he was seeing this new woman who went to church a lot, and he's on Prozac. So he is essentially not getting any real help.

[Edited on January 26, 2015 at 6:52 AM. Reason : .]

1/26/2015 6:35:24 AM

Have you been molested by him ? (Serious question, not trying to be a dick).

1/26/2015 1:07:13 PM

Yeah I mean I assume there is more to the story, but doesnt sound like anything worth completely cutting ties over. Sounds like a man who isnt a great dad and probably is selfish, but at that point you just speak to them on holidays and such and if all he wants to talk about is himself then you let him. Unless he is causing you harm, other than mental it appears, seems like its not worth stressing over so much. If he is like borrowing money or showing up drunk unannounced and things like that then its a lot different. Otherwise if he is just kinda a douche then just dont put any more effort into it and dont answer his calls if you arent in the mood to talk, but writing him off completely seems extreme.

1/26/2015 1:15:27 PM

Doubt it's our place to judge whether or not it merits cutting him out. Samwise16 is an intelligent person, so I am pretty sure she can judge that for herself.

I don't think it will be possible for you to get through this without guilt, but the further you get from it, the less you will think about it. There is no reason to keep people in your life who only serve to tear you down. If you feel like you miss the connection with a father figure, but not actually your father himself, see if you can connect with others in your area. Maybe even adopt a grandparent, someone who can give you the love and support your father should have been able to provide. I think counseling is a great idea. You should also have your husband go on the screening offensive, and pull things from the mail before they get to you.

1/26/2015 1:23:09 PM

^^ +1

1/26/2015 1:50:56 PM

When someone reaches the point of cutting off contact with a family member, they've probably been through years and years of the "only talking on holidays" and "just trying not to stress about it" thing. That doesn't always work. Sometimes you have to cut the cord. It's a situation that's hard if not impossible to understand from the outside.

1/26/2015 1:56:32 PM

Cut off my step dad probably about 7 or 8 years ago (regular parents divorced when I was 3...mom and stepdad divorced when I was in high school...he basically raised me).

Really wasn't difficult for me because we had drifted apart (no effort on his side) and was I was so busy with other shit that I wasn't going to go out of my way to keep a relationship with someone that wasn't go to reciprocate the same effort.

I think he passed away a couple months ago...but I'm not sure. I could give two shits. I found out about a year or two back that he was an even bigger piece of shit than I ever imagined.

Life is too short to let bad people bring you down. Focus on the positive in your life.

1/26/2015 2:41:36 PM

If someone is making your life hell, you are better off without them. If anything, family should be cut off sooner because it hurts even more when they constantly betray you.

1/26/2015 3:00:22 PM

It might be easier if you try to come to peace with the fact he is a narcissistic, self centered, non-caring individual, who also happens to be your father.

You are putting in a lot of effort cutting off ties, but the underlying issue is still gonna be there that you resent him for being the way he is. If that's whats bothering you, that will remain even if you never talk to him again. You will still think about him and the feelings will boil up.

Not talking to someone is not going to put them out of your mind, if you can make yourself accept who he is (even if you detest the who he is) then you at least get some peace.

1/26/2015 4:03:56 PM

Quote :

" doesnt sound like anything worth completely cutting ties over"

Quote :

" Not talking to someone is not going to put them out of your mind"

I can say in our case I related above, its hard to explain why we cut ties, but our lives are so much better for it.

When it comes to tangible abuse, physical or sexual, its very easy to see and understand the need for a no-contact. When its emotional abuse though, not a lot of people understand how damaging it can be to continue a relationship. My wife's family still doesn't understand completely why we don't talk to her mom, but then they aren't at the receiving end of a lot of her outbursts and have a tendency to ignore a lot of the awful things she says or does to put my wife into tears.

Cutting contact isn't about trying to punish someone, or a last ditch effort to repair a relationship, its to stop the pain and stress that can overwhelm your life. If you had a friend who was married to someone like this, you would probably try and help them see the light, and leave them. You wouldn't stand by while a sibling was bullied. So why is it when a parent has a pattern of saying awful things to their children, lying to them for their own selfish needs, or bringing up childhood mistakes to punish them disagreeing with them the sentiment is always "well you should really try a little harder?"

1/26/2015 5:02:15 PM

My MIL has at times been a terribly toxic influence in my wife's life and our relationship. When we bought our first house she got one right down the street from us. She was extremely controlling and overbearing to my wife, who would hates conflict and would just roll over and as an only child, had no other sibling to help her our. It got so bad that she was interfering with our marriage, frequently undermined by wife in front of our kids, literally would never so no to our boys and trying to dominate our lives. It was a big part of why I took the job at UNC so we could get the hell away from her. She said me getting the job was the devil at work.

We have never cut her off, but she refuses to come up here and deal with the traffic, so we can go weeks and months without seeing her. It has been very good for my wife, our marriage and our children. My oldest son lost like 10 pounds in 2 months and went from being overweight to a normal weight. Their relationship with my wife got a LOT better as well and now they are much more well behaved and healthier. She has far less stress even if she doesn't have free babysitting around the corner. She still talks online to her mom and sometimes they will talk for an hour or two on the phone. But her mother realizes she no longer has control of her and if she treats her badly, we just will not come visit and she will not get to see her grandsons. I hate to be an asshole like that, but if it had been my way I think I would have told her to completely fuck off.

1/26/2015 6:04:53 PM

I want to make it clear that this was not a rash decision and has been something I have been battling for years. I am trying very hard not to get upset, but I have to address this comment:

Quote :

"Unless he is causing you harm, other than mental it appears, seems like its not worth stressing over so much. If he is like borrowing money or showing up drunk unannounced and things like that then its a lot different. Otherwise if he is just kinda a douche then just dont put any more effort into it and dont answer his calls if you arent in the mood to talk, but writing him off completely seems extreme."

It is so sad to me that people do not recognize mental abuse as having a significant impact on someone's life just like physical abuse and/or molestation. My father is the king of mental abuse - he can not only be incredibly mean, but manipulative and even hurtful in indirect ways. I was a perceptive child, and while I may not have understood exactly what was going on I can assure you that I thought it was weird that we would go to visit the female manager of our store that lived an hour away, and that she and my father would disappear for at least an hour. He once spent Christmas day with this woman and her daughter because, and I quote, "she doesn't have a father around." He would threaten us with a fish paddle with holes in it, and would make us beg not to be spanked until he was satisfied. Then we would get a lecture on how hurt he was over our actions. He would call me the mailman's baby because I have blue/green eyes and he has brown. I could go on and on and on about the horrible things he has done and said, but I am truly sick of justifying myself.

Have you ever heard of Interact of Wake County? When I was training as a volunteer, one day I spoke up about how much it bothered me that in the videos you would hear some of the women say things like, "... but he was a great father." I made a point that being physically there or being nice to your children during certain times does not a great father make. After volunteering for about a year, I was approached about being the spokesperson for the yearly mailing. They do a spread on your story, and it's when they ask for donations as it's a nonprofit organization. They wanted to focus on mental abuse, particularly on children. Four years ago when I told him it was the last time I was going to give him the chance to be a better father or to get out of my life, I sent him a copy of the mailing. For a while I really thought he was putting forth more effort, but over time and especially over the last year it became evident that it was slipping back into the cycle I had gone through so many times before. If showing him that didn't change him, something I almost didn't do because it meant owning up to how much he has affected me and something that very few people knew about, what will?

How is it YOUR place to tell me this seems like overkill? Have you been living my life for the last 27 years, and dealing with this person? As I told my father - I knew what I had to do when I realized the thought of not having in my life anymore caused less pain than the thought of speaking to him again. This goes beyond him just being a "douche" and unless you have gone through this situation or one similar, you have no right to say what is better for me.

I do not think some of you understand the level of narcissism here, and I cannot make peace with just accepting how he is because I have tried that before and it doesn't work for me. For some the minimal effort is perfect for them and that's fine - my sister is one of them, and I respect her decision. After seeing things revert back to how they were and that the progress I thought we had made over the last few years really wasn't anything, I mentally and physically cannot take it anymore. And above all, to me this behavior is unacceptable from a parent. I should not have to suffer just to appease his self-centered tendencies.


Bottom line: I put this in the lounge for a reason and I would REALLY fucking appreciate it if comments like the above were kept to a minimum. It is incredibly judgmental and condescending as this was not even a decision I wanted to make. Please recognize how painful this step was for me (and others ITT who have gone through similar situations), and that I did this for own well-being and to preserve my own sanity.

1/26/2015 9:07:35 PM

Good luck with this. My eyes have really been opened up by my in-laws. Between the control freak mother-in-law and the alcoholic father-in-law, I have to wonder how my wife turned out as normal as she did. I had a great childhood by comparison with somewhat strict parents, but otherwise normal and supportive of me who I now have a pretty great relationship with. I now know how blessed I truly am and that makes me strive to be a better father to my boys.

1/26/2015 9:40:45 PM

Your perspective sounds a lot like my husband's. One thing I know is that I will never have to worry about any of our children having a similar experience. And thank you for sharing because stories like that remind me people get through this.

1/26/2015 9:53:11 PM

Well my sister hasn't really "talked" to our Mom since she lost her home and my sister had to move in with her Dad, so basically her stepmom is her Mom. Our mom tries now, via facebook, sending gifts, etc but hasn't seen my sister since HS graduation in 2003. They occasional send a message on FB or my Mom sends a card...but I find it weird she has NEVER met her two grandchildren. I feel bad for her, but she chose that life when she chose her ex bf. My Mom lost everything, lives in a trailer, and still keeps the deadbeat around. I try to be nice, but our relationship is kind of screwed.

My Dad and I had an almost physical altercation the night before Thanksgiving this year. I haven't spoken to him since. I talk to my stepmom who lives with him, but he has always been a crap parent. Just because he has tons of money that is all he has ever been able to do for me. (His DAD died when he was 10 so I think he doesn't know how to be a parent) He never tells me or my brother he loves us and he is a man of very few words. I sympathize with you because I truly don't know how I would feel if either passed away. It makes me a very bitter person sometimes and I am trying to learn not to be. G

GOOD LUCK!

1/27/2015 2:01:40 AM

Quote :

"Yeah I mean I assume there is more to the story, but doesnt sound like anything worth completely cutting ties over."

As I said I assume there is more to the story as to why you are cutting ties. My comments were based on what had already been said and simply based on that it didnt seem like things worth completely cutting ties with your father over. Once I read some of the additional things I can understand your desire to do this and I apologize I was simply going off the facts I had in front of me. Obviously everyone is different and handles things in different ways so I understand why for you this may be too much to handle while for another person simply stopping putting forth any effort while not cutting ties would also be an acceptable solution. Either way in the end you shouldnt care what people on a message board have to say if you have truly made your mind up.

I think what others have said is probably the best advice and that is just that in cases like this time is the one thing that will help the most. The longer you have no contact the easier it will be to forget the things he put you through and once you start to see the results of your decision the less upset you will be about it.

Hopefully he will respect your decision and be willing to let you go, but unfortunately you cant always assume people will do that so I am not sure how to deal with that situation. Good luck to you, sounds like a hard decision that a lot of people wouldnt be able to make and I hope you come out better in the end and can move forward with your life.

1/27/2015 8:22:56 AM

I went through a similar issue with my mother. Without getting into too much detail, I had enough of being yelled at over nothing, being told she doesn't care how I feel, and generally feeling like I have to walk around on eggshells. I basically did what your sister did, minimal contact. She hears from me around the holidays, Mother's Day, and her birthday and that's about it. I firmly believe that if a relationship is too toxic there's no sense in clinging to it, regardless of whether this person raised you or not.

1/27/2015 10:18:51 AM

So you're literally the poster child for mental abuse?

1/27/2015 10:36:22 AM

I don't have toxic parents, but I do have toxic relatives. One, my grandfather (dad's father), was a particular piece of work that treated me, my uncles, and my father like dirt. he was scummy to his kids since the beginning, moving all over the country and my dad and uncles would pack up and follow him along as he chased after women (he had at least 5 confirmed wives in his life). he would always make promises to me and never keep them, insult me, and when I got old enough to make my own decisions (sometime around 16 I think), I flat out refused to ever see him again. this cost me a relationship with my "grandmother" (his 5th wife, not related to me at all), but had to be done. he died 2 Decembers ago, so I went 12 years without having any contact with him. I wouldn't let my parents give them my addresses, my phone numbers, anything. he had to go into a home and would ask "When is Førte going to come visit me?" he was so narcissistic, he didn't realize I had intentionally cut him out of my life. I didn't feel anything when he died, and even writing this up didn't bother me.

my uncle (one of his sons) takes after him, and I've done the same thing with him. no contact, don't let him know where I live, etc. same with my mom's side of the family (they're all drug addicts and general filthbags). here's the point: just because you came out of someone, or share a common ancestor with someone, doesn't mean you have to put up with them. your family is who you make of it. if you don't like the guy you saw every day until you were X years old, cut him out. doesn't matter if he's your father, third cousin, dog's brother, whatever. these attachments we hold to people just because we're "related" to them are ridiculous. make a family out of people you want to be around. who cares if you have the same blood/last name/etc?

1/27/2015 3:33:11 PM

Quote :

"here's the point: just because you came out of someone, or share a common ancestor with someone, doesn't mean you have to put up with them. "

100% accurate. It's your life, you decide who is in it and who is not. Don't be bullied, misled, coerced, or guilt-tripped into holding onto shitty people. A toxic person isn't worth keeping around, even if they share some genes with you.

1/27/2015 5:22:05 PM

Quote :

"Either way in the end you shouldnt care what people on a message board have to say if you have truly made your mind up. "

it's pretty obvious that this was made for support

you're the one who went out of your way to be a dick about it

[Edited on January 27, 2015 at 6:18 PM. Reason : I'm sorry to hear this and I've struggled with this as well]

1/27/2015 6:15:21 PM

Don't talk to my parents, but definitely feel as if I am failing the obey thy father and thy mother....and as much as I hate them sometimes, they still gave you life so the dude who said it doesn't matter if you came from them....?????

1/27/2015 10:39:06 PM

not sure if trolling, but not all of us buy into a book of fairytales or have an inherent sense of obligation to people that created us without our consent

1/27/2015 11:02:16 PM

^ Amen. My stepdad is my father, and has always been there for me. Even my father in law has been more of a father figure than my biological one. Being genetically related does not mean you have to like or get along with that person.

I went to my first counseling session and was asked to read "Letting Go of Shame." Anyone have experience with this book? PM is ok.

Also:

Quote :

"it's pretty obvious that this was made for support you're the one who went out of your way to be a dick about it"

Winner winner, chicken dinner. I don't need anyone validation, this is meant to open discussion for those of us who have gone through it.

[Edited on January 27, 2015 at 11:40 PM. Reason : .]

1/27/2015 11:36:20 PM

Yes I am a total dick because I realized I was in the wrong and apologized and tried to be supportive. I did not back pedal because you were upset with my post, I apologized because you provided more information and I realized I was in the wrong and made an unneeded comment when I had already assumed there had to be more to the story.

In the past I have seen people cut others out of their lives for much less and also seen people put up with much worse things. Some of them come out for the better and others take it very hard and it really affects them. Obviously you have been taking this hard, but I feel like you finally reached the breaking point and have made up your mind and thats a hard thing to do.

My biggest concern for all the people I have known who have done something similar is whether the other person will respect their decision. It is pretty difficult when you have told someone you never want to talk to them again and are strong with your decision, but they keep calling every now and then or a letter shows up or the person actually shows up at your door. Some people dont have much of an issue with this because they truly dont give a fuck about them as jbrick said earlier. Others had such a hard time letting go and despite wanting not to care it is just in their nature more than others and they end up getting hurt over it again.

I guess that was my thought process is it seems like you had a difficult time letting go and he seems the type to think it is gonna be ok to continue to try and contact you so I dont know which is worse trying to cut ties entirely and feeling guilt about it or just trying not to care so much but when he does contact you at least take the time out to attempt to be cordial and at least know you attempted even if it requires you simply hanging up on someone.

It sounds to me like you have made the right choice in just cutting ties with someone who makes you feel so bad about yourself, but I definitely think counseling or something like that would be helpful as you obviously have had a tough time with the decision and want to talk with other people about it even if its just to get all of the pent up anger and frustration off your chest.

I will leave it at that as that is my personal opinion on the situation. That is about as supportive as I can be as you are correct, I have not lived in your shoes, and I have not personally had to deal with anything exactly like this. I have however watched several friends and family members dealing with similar situations so that is what I am basing my experiences on. If you would rather only hear from people who personally dealt with a similar situation I have no problem not posting here anymore and I wish you luck.

[Edited on January 28, 2015 at 9:18 AM. Reason : This was made before like 5-10 posts were apparently removed so sorry if it sounds out of context]

1/28/2015 9:15:44 AM

I appreciate you and your contributions to this thread, Doss2k. I know this is an emotionally charged topic for some (including the OP), but I don't think what you said was in any way "dick"ish or out of line. Just because your input wasn't what the OP (or other posters) wanted to hear doesn't make it any less valuable, and it was clearly not ill-intentioned or coming from any place other than wanting to help.

While I have nothing to add (or really even relate to) ITT, I enjoy reading threads like these as I feel we can all benefit from learning more about (and sometimes involving ourselves in) the struggles and joys of our fellow man.

1/28/2015 11:51:50 AM

^+1

I'm Krallum and I approved this message.

1/28/2015 11:54:59 AM

I don't think he was patronizing or condescending either. Fuck. I guess I crossed the line too by asking about the molestation.

1/28/2015 12:41:25 PM

My impression is that it's this request:

Quote :

"3. Please do NOT question whether the relationship can be salvaged, or make comments such as "hopefully he will change one day." I'm sorry if that sounds like a bitchy comment, but I have already heard that so many times from other family members and people who have never gone through something like this and I don't want to hear it. Best wishes to him on truly changing, but if I have contact with him in the future that would mean I have opened myself up to potential pain. This decision was not an idle threat, I am serious as a heart attack and just want to move on with my life."

In the very first post, in the Lounge, followed by:

Quote :

"Yeah I mean I assume there is more to the story, but doesnt sound like anything worth completely cutting ties over. Sounds like a man who isnt a great dad and probably is selfish, but at that point you just speak to them on holidays and such and if all he wants to talk about is himself then you let him. Unless he is causing you harm, other than mental it appears, seems like its not worth stressing over so much. If he is like borrowing money or showing up drunk unannounced and things like that then its a lot different. Otherwise if he is just kinda a douche then just dont put any more effort into it and dont answer his calls if you arent in the mood to talk, but writing him off completely seems extreme."

1/28/2015 12:52:19 PM

I am not gonna argue the meaning or intent of my original statement because it was obviously taken wrong and at this point this thread is about helping her cope with her issue rather than something I said. I apologized for the comments and tried to offer some more thought out advice so may as well keep this on topic at this point.

1/28/2015 1:21:46 PM

LOL at posting on TWW and then bitching about the responses.

1/28/2015 2:21:29 PM

Doss2k was just trying to illustrate the point by narcissisticly making this thread about him thereby showing us how frustrating that can be

Well done

1/28/2015 2:45:15 PM

I totally support Samwise in this thread. Sometimes you need to cut off shitty people in your life, even parents, especially when your home life is being affected by them. There's clearly a history of mental and emotional abuse going on here.

Her father is a narcissistic, selfish prick. She doesn't want to deal with him anymore.

As someone who has also been there with a shitty family member, I applaud you for making this decision, and hope you and your husband can continue with the counseling.

1/28/2015 5:30:06 PM

^

2/2/2015 6:19:08 PM

^^

2/2/2015 6:27:38 PM

Look here, Samwise16...

1. You grown, and you do what the fuck you want. This gentleman who is suggesting you keep in touch--but don't get too involved--fully understands the grown/do-what-the-fuck-I-want situation, which is why he's able to suggest the "keep in touch" stuff. However, you can't keep in touch without getting involved...so don't even bother with the keeping-in-touch nonsense. You got this.

2. Your asshole father--deep down inside--wants you to be happy. He always has, especially when you were a kid. If never talking to him again (or for now) will help you be happy, then that's what he wants, too...in spite of himself and all his bullshit. Do you understand?

Don't feel bad for your father. He wants to be better for you, but he can't. He's a human, and like most humans, he super duper sucks...so you do him a favor by cutting him the fuck out. It's hard to lose someone who's still around, but you can do it.

People do change. They get better, worse, whatever. I adored one guy in my family who ended up abusing the shit out of his wife late in life and then wanted me to fill in for her after she passed. I still see him a couple times a year, and I love his old ass, but yeah, he's a real fucking prick. Fuck him--I've lost no sleep.

2/2/2015 10:07:06 PM

Doss2k, I think one thing you and others who haven't been through this type of situation should consider is how things come off. For example, you say that you have seen others go through worse things - there is no way I can fit every single thing that has happened during my 27 years into one post, or multiples posts, so I don't think it's fair for you to pass judgment on whose situation is worse. This isn't a competition, and those types of comments can rub the wrong way because IMO it's almost like you're downgrading my pain, as well as others who post ITT. I appreciate you explaining your stance, and I just encourage you and everyone else who can't relate to not assume and just try to learn or listen.

Thank you everyone for the support (AntiManifesto - I wish I could carry you around in my back pocket all day for words of wisdom/support after reading your post!). This week has been especially tough because unfortunately my great grandmother passed away last week, and he has been trying to use it as his "in." I have since blocked him on my phone and Facebook, and after receiving an email that was essentially a huge, "I don't understand why you're doing this because you won't talk to me" complaint, I have changed my email address. What's funny is that everything he was confused about or questioning was answered in my final email to him. He also once again used my great grandmother's death to bring attention to him. He said he plans on sending me a picture of her in her final resting place, aka her in the casket. My husband and I have since created a plan to screen mail because I can't deal with that mess.

He also said he doesn't understand why I think I'm the poster child of domestic violence, and that I had a charmed childhood. That was not an exaggeration, and was two direct quotes meshed together.

So, it's a struggle but I'm getting there. I think overcoming all this shame I feel will be my biggest hurdle but at least I'm recognizing it now. My biggest fear right now is that he will show up unannounced as he works for an airline company and flies for free. I have a plan in my mind for what I will do, and I'm hoping I won't have to use it.

Also, felt pretty good to hear the counselor say he clearly has Narcissistic Personality Disorder in that it was an affirmation that it's not all my fault.


I just had an epiphany, and again I would like to respectfully ask people to not question why I made this decision. When someone questions this whole situation, it doesn't make me think to myself, "Oh no, have I made a mistake?" Instead, it makes me seriously wonder if I am in the wrong, if I am being too harsh, if I am hurting his feelings by doing this. I am so sick of feeling shameful over how my actions have affected my father. The fact of the matter is, I have tried to be there for him in his times of need, have tried to show interest in his life, and have genuinely tried to make an effort so that maybe one day I will have made him proud and then he would show he genuinely loved me by being interested in my life, and being there for me when I am struggling. I know one day I'll be being doing great and will have moved past all this bullshit, and one day will not feel ashamed for having done this. I just hope whoever responds to this thread can just try to remember that for now, I'm not there yet and I'm trying to be strong.

[Edited on February 2, 2015 at 10:38 PM. Reason : .]

2/2/2015 10:27:18 PM

Of course, it's not your fault.

And you're doing him a favor by preventing him from spreading more of his garbage. You should feel good, not bad, about your decision. You're helping him.

Seriously, you should pat yourself on the back for not punching him in the face. You're doing good, dude.

2/2/2015 11:14:42 PM

I just wanted to point out that if you're feeling pain and guilt, Samwise, that's not altogether bad, because it means you're still capable of experiencing strong emotions and compassion. You haven't (as many people in your shoes do) grown calloused and world-hating as a result of your shitty father's neglect.

This point probably won't ease your suffering very much, because guilt and sorrow fucking suck; but at least your soul and conscience are intact, and maybe that's a small consolation.

2/2/2015 11:25:33 PM

^Good point.

2/7/2015 7:32:26 PM