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 Message Boards » » Thoughts about having kids (a sort of blog) Page [1]  
sawahash
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So, a while ago. I forget how long ago, but a while ago, I made a thread in a drunken state crying about how I don't know if I'll ever be able to have children naturally and I'm scared that I will never get the chance to be a mother.

However, recently I've been thinking, maybe that isn't such a bad idea. Now don't get me wrong, I would be a damn good mom and my husband would be a damn good dad. But part of me is thinking that maybe having children isn't for us. I think of all the things I want to do, the vacations I want to take, the memories I want to have and sometimes I think that maybe we shouldn't have kids. The money we would save from not having kids would be awesome. We would never worry about having to make sure to keep another human alive. The anxiety that I know I would have worrying about my child scares me. I know how I felt when my dog injured her foot, I could only imagine how I would feel about a child in that same situation. I once watched my niece choke on food while her mother stuck her finger in her throat and got it out. Would I have the ability to act quickly like that. What if we were to have a child that had serious medical issues, would I be able to handle that stress?

On the other hand, what all things will I be missing out of if I don't have children. I know my husband wants children, but sometimes we are in agreement that maybe children aren't part of our future. Sometimes I feel like I might want a child. What if we were to have a child that was a well achieving happy and healthy child? What memories would we be missing out on from raising a child. The joy of watching them play sports and achieve in school. Feeling proud (and frustrated) when we see our traits get passed down to our children. The joy of introducing Harry Potter and Disney to them. The joy of teaching them to fish. The joy of taking family vacations and seeing the wonder in their eyes as they experience new things.

We may also be the only way my husband's mom will have grandkids. His sister is older and still single and is in no way in position to have a child anytime soon. Who knows if she will have kids. I would feel awful if we were to take away her joy of getting to have grandchildren.

If you read this whole thing tell me what you think. Do you have kids? Do you not have kids? What was your thinking behind the choice you made?

I'm really just using this as my first time admitting to anyone other than my husband that I might not actually want to have kids. Or maybe I do want to have kids. I don't know. I don't really know how to explain this feeling I have. I wish I could see into the future to see where my life would be with or without kids. Will I have a fullfilling life if I decide to not have children? Would I regret my choice if I did have children? What things would I miss out on either way? I'm 31 now. I don't have much more time to really just sit around trying to decide. The next couple of years are going to be pretty cruicial to the baby making time.

Someone just tell me it's ok to feel this way.


TL;DR I don't know if I want kids or not. Is it ok to feel that way?

[Edited on January 21, 2019 at 7:34 PM. Reason : ]

1/21/2019 7:31:46 PM

A Tanzarian
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Quote :
"I would feel awful if we were to take away her joy of getting to have grandchildren."


Don't. Having kids or not having kids is between you and your husband. That's it. No one else.

-----

It's okay to feel the way you do--it's not an easy decision and the fact you're putting thought into it says a lot no matter which choice you make. My wife and I felt pretty much the same way. We finally made the leap because we were approaching the now or never point. Now we have a 5-year-old

No matter what you decide, the conflicting feelings aren't going away.

1/21/2019 7:58:35 PM

sawahash
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^Thank you!

1/21/2019 8:02:06 PM

BJCaudill21
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Honestly, my kids are awesome and there's plenty of time I wish I didn't have them...

1/21/2019 9:13:11 PM

sawahash
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^That's something I'm also afraid of. What if I have kids and I regret having them? But then what if I regret not having kids.

Being a grown up is hard.

1/21/2019 10:11:03 PM

NeuseRvrRat
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much worse to have them and regret it than to not have them and regret it, imo

Knew pretty early on that kids weren't for me. Wife feels the same. Almost 31 now and no regrets so far. I like the freedom it gives me. Kids seem like a huge hassle. The rewards may be worth it to some, but not me.

I have nothing against folks who do have kids except the ones who breed them and don't bother to actually raise them.

1/21/2019 10:38:00 PM

beatsunc
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have 1 kid and then get divorced. that way you get to do what you want half the time and still experience joys of parenthood

1/22/2019 7:06:14 AM

FroshKiller
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What difference does it make whether it's "okay" to feel any way about anything? You feel it regardless. The whole point of feelings is you don't have any control over what you feel. It doesn't matter whether a feeling is okay. What matters is what you choose to do with that feeling.

If you have any doubt about wanting kids, don't have them. Because I'll tell you, we the people of Earth neither need nor want your kids that badly. Rearing a human child is pretty much an act of violence against the environment.

And for what? So your kids can grow up in a first-world machine designed to turn their own brains against them in the name of profit? From the fucking jump, your kids' own psychology will be constantly tortured their entire lives to get them to spend first your money then their own on shit that they don't need, the production of which continually fucks the environment and exploits the economically disadvantaged people the entirety of global fucking trade depends on subjugating to persist. If they're lucky, maybe they won't become those poor fuckers. If they're lucky. I mean for God's sake, not to pick on you here, but you're basically already dooming them with your own thoughts, which have themselves been twisted by multinational conglomerates your whole life: "The joy of introducing Harry Potter and Disney to them."

Just don't do it. Jesus Christ, don't do it if you aren't absolutely sure. If you are absolutely sure, consider adoption. And if you don't want to adopt for whatever reason, if you absolutely must have your "own" children, do so in the full knowledge that you are causing two kinds of harm. First to the world around you, as I've already mentioned, and second to the children themselves, who (by virtue of not existing) are free of suffering but will come to know it from the first year that you trap their spirits in this fragile fucking clay--which, let me remind you, is doomed to die, and Socrates knew what the fuck he was on about when he said that death may be our greatest blessing. The whole fucking world is a constant nightmare of being victimized by a system of control or participating in a victimizing system of control.

What if you have a girl? One in four women in the United States will be sexually abused by age 18. One in four. Suppose I told you that there's a 25% chance your kid would be born with spina bifida. Would that make you reconsider having children? It sure would give me pause. Fewer than one in eight cases are reported. You want to dwell for a second on how many result in convictions? You want to get really dark and consider how many successful convictions make a lick of difference in the rest of the victims' lives?

Care for the children of your family and your neighbors. Support childrens' charities. Spend as much time, energy, and money as you can on satisfying your urge to raise a child by doing everything but raising your own.

1/22/2019 7:55:22 AM

beatsunc
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^wrong

1/22/2019 8:42:03 AM

BJCaudill21
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Seems pretty right.. It's a lifetime commitment, if you're not completely sure you want that (waking up a few times a night to crying doesn't really SOUND too bad, but after a few months straight it is pretty miserable) then don't do it..

1/22/2019 9:02:26 AM

Geppetto
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the FroshKiller stuff is way off base. even with the 25% sexual assault statistic. That comes with a variety of details specific to race, socio-economic status, etc that doesn't mean your child will be sexually assaulted. Sure there are fears but so what.

Now that isn't me advocating for you to have kids but is me advocating that what he said is nonsense and should be taken lightly.

Do I have a kid, yes. Do I want another, not sure. It is certainly and experience and I do love my daughter so very much. If someone asked me to turn back time and reboot would I take it, probably not. It's hard. It's exhausting. and it totally fucks with any rhythm or system or manner in which you have set up your life. I'd say the same happened when we got a dog, though, and I'd do anything for my pup. While people don't like to compare these, they probably have about 80% overlap, maybe more depending on how well you take care of your dog.

The only thing that fucks with me is that we can no longer just pick up and go to a place of our choosing for drinks or dinner or vacation or even errands. Things take coordination and planning, but in some ways all that planning and coordinating brings you closer together with your spouse and teaches you more about each other. That's one positive spin on it. But in general that lack of freedom or the thought that I will not be able to just come home and sit and chill until my mid 50s is mildly depressing.

I know you asked for should you have them or should you not, and my post isn't meant to answer that, because only you can. What I did aim to do is just paint what it is like for me. What I can definitely say, however, is that if you and your spouse don't work well as a team or have any obvious cracks, then don't do it. If either of you are the type of person who needs ample alone time and you aren't willing to sacrifice sleep to fit it in, then don't do it. No need straining an alright marriage or putting a kid through an unhappy one.

If you do work well together and if you enjoy the prospect of seeing someone discover the world and its delights for the first time, then maybe do it. If you think you can raise a child that might be slightly better than the two of you, helping make the world a better spot than you left it, then maybe do that too.

Oh and I agree with whomever noted this above, but do not put your parents' opportunity to be grandparents as part of the equation. They will not be pulling the hard weight and it is absolutely that is about you and your spouse living your lives the way you need them to be lived.

1/22/2019 5:10:22 PM

sawahash
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I finally opened up to my mom about this during lunch today. This is a conversation that I have had with my husband and he knows my feelings on it. My mom actually made a really good point.

Right now I have so much going on in my life that the thought of having a kid gives me so much anxiety that it is making me want to write off the whole thing. Obviously, she wants me to do what will make me happy, but she said that in a year or two when things settle down and we get back to some normalcy my opinion on the topic may change.

That set me at ease. It's so hard thinking about the thought of having kids with everything going on right now that I didn't stop to think that eventually there won't be as much going on. Our dog will settle down as well as our lives.

I know many of y'all aren't all that religious, but I think this is something that I need to put on the backburner and do some serious soul searching and prayer. Having a child is not something to be taken lightly, and I think it's obvious that I'm not in that position. Then again, who knows if I'll even be able to have kids if we decide to try to start a family.

1/22/2019 5:45:14 PM

FroshKiller
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All of life is suffering, but sure, write it off. Take it lightly. I don't know what I'm talking about, sure. Fuck off, Geppetto.

[Edited on January 22, 2019 at 6:14 PM. Reason : ///]

1/22/2019 6:12:33 PM

rjrumfel
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For me, the biggest change was time. As soon as that little thing exits your vagina, or abdomen if you have a c-section, your time is no longer your time. Ever. You won't even be able to poop in peace, at least not for the first 3-4 years. In the grand scheme of thing, 3-4 years isn't a long time though.

But then there are other time suckers. Some type of sports/dance/gymnastics will probably take your time. You will have problems you never knew existed that will take your time. You may have a kid who potty trains gracefully and quickly. You may have to give your child enemas because they've refused to poop for 2 weeks because they aren't wearing diapers anymore. You will probably not have any solid sleep for the first three months, where you'll sleep 2.5 - 4 hours at a time. Gepetto is right - you will have to schedule everything. Leaving the house will be an ordeal. Do you have enough diapers? Diaper cream? Paci? Extra change of clothes? Are we going to have to nurse while we're out or do we try to make it there and back in 3 hours?

Speaking of nursing. If you want to use formula, be prepared to be shamed relentlessly by a group of people I refer to as nipple nazis, but they're the "breast is best" folks. They're awful people. That is a choice that should be up to the family, not some stranger telling you what is best for your kid. But what's best for YOUR kid? Every other parent out there will be happy to tell you what is best for YOUR kid. Back to nursing. More issues you never thought you would have: Will he latch properly? Do I need a nipple shield for inverted nipples (please don't answer, not fishing for info)? Am I producing enough milk? When will my milk come in? I want to work while nursing, how well will i pump? Shit, I'm not pumping enough, we'll have to supplement with formula. Do I need some special nursing supplements to try and make more milk? Will she take a bottle? Will she like the bottle over me? What type of bottle nipple fits him best?

First child? Be prepared to shell out some dough for needless doctors visits because you'll be scared shitless if you look at her the wrong way.

Having said all that, and that was a mouthful, we have two. One is 5 going on 15, the other isn't 3 months yet. We love them, wouldn't trade them for anything. Our first child was a difficult sleeper, wouldn't and still doesn't listen to us for shit, but behaves great in school and in public. Our second one seems to be a much better sleeper and on good nights we'll make it 6.5 hours between feedings.

Bottom line, parenting is hard. It's one of the hardest things I've ever done, being responsible for other humans. It isn't technically hard though - many stupid people raise kids to become functioning adults. But its hard. It's exhausting. And I shudder to think how I'm going to console that 15 year old that is getting made fun of at school, while I'm helpless to do anything about it. IT's a decision that nobody can make but you and your husband when you're ready. On the flipside though, don't wait until it is too late. I'm 39 taking care of an infant and I can definitely tell a difference from when I was 34 taking care of an infant.

You'll never be financially ready. If you think you will, you'll end up being that erudite couple in Idiocracy who never ends up having children while the morons reproduce like rabbits.

While frosh takes an almost dystopian viewpoint of human procreation, the species needs intelligent reproducers.

1/22/2019 6:23:29 PM

ctnz71
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I’ve got 4 kids 7 and under... have had 0 regrets about it. It’s tiring and expensive but well worth it. If you’re thinking more about what you won’t be able to do and how much money you’d save rather than the joys of being a parent then please don’t have children.


Also, the suggestion to adopt instead is a really bad idea if you’re worried about time/money.

[Edited on January 23, 2019 at 1:36 PM. Reason : U]

1/23/2019 1:33:33 PM

afripino
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sour hash...do you have a dog?

also...
Quote :
" Rearing a human child is pretty much an act of violence against the environment."

didn't expect us to get there so quickly.

[Edited on January 23, 2019 at 1:43 PM. Reason : ]

1/23/2019 1:41:23 PM

sawahash
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^yes we have a dog

[Edited on January 24, 2019 at 10:20 AM. Reason : ]

1/24/2019 10:20:31 AM

HCH
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Quote :
"If you’re thinking more about what you won’t be able to do and how much money you’d save rather than the joys of being a parent then please don’t have children."


100% this. Having children is completely humbling.

1/24/2019 11:09:41 AM

MrGreen
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i love my kids but hate everyone else’s

1/24/2019 6:55:37 PM

BubbleBobble
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^will never have children

1/24/2019 10:45:58 PM

A Tanzarian
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What about you? Will you have children?

1/24/2019 11:29:00 PM

fatcatt316
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Having kids is like choosing a harder difficulty level on a video game. It can be more rewarding, but holy shat it can be tough.

Also, there's no "reset" for the game.

1/30/2019 9:44:25 PM

afripino
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Also, if you die in this game, you die in real life.

1/30/2019 11:04:22 PM

TreeTwista10
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ys8mcieUtMU

1/31/2019 12:37:34 AM

0EPII1
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^^^ there is no real pause button either.

1/31/2019 2:18:49 AM

stevedude
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how old r u OP? jw.

1/31/2019 9:55:11 AM

NCSUam0s
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OP says in the post:
Quote :
" I'm 31 now. "

1/31/2019 10:04:12 AM

fatcatt316
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Sourhash, you don't have to rush having a baby. My mom didn't have any 'til she was 35, and you can barely notice the severe Downs that plagues me and my younger siblings.

2/1/2019 8:10:33 PM

FroshKiller
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India man to sue parents for giving birth to him: https://www.bbc.com/news/world-asia-india-47154287

2/7/2019 1:27:26 PM

sawahash
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So weird change of events....we are in the process of buying a car. My husband would love to get another Corvette, but I keep saying we need something with a backseat so that when we have kids there will be room for them.

So who knows. Maybe kids are something that I want. Maybe just one.

Lord have mercy, I have no idea. I just need to finish up with school and get to where all I do is go to work and come home. I think the going out on weekends will end because all my friends are getting knocked up now.

Kids are a big deal. It's not a choice I want to make lightly.

2/8/2019 5:12:15 PM

bmel
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I've had these same questions and same guilt. I completely understand how you're feeling. A year and a half ago I definitely wanted kids. I was working full-time and we were in a good place in our lives. We bought a house that had a nursery attached. I bought the safest, most efficient crossover I could afford. We went on a vacation together for one last time. I got a physical to make sure I was healthy. I I read all about how to get pregnant quick and what to expect when pregnant. I was ready, we were ready.
I got pregnant after 1.5 months of being off birth control. I remember thinking how easy it was.
Then I had a miscarriage. I thought, "it's fine, we can try again". And then, 3 weeks after my D&C, I found out that I got cancer from the placenta. FUCKING CANCER, literally and figuratively.

After the second chemo regimen stopped working, my oncologist really wanted me to get a hysterectomy. I said no because I still wanted kids. Luckily, the third D&C and strong chemo regimen eventually worked. I beat cancer and still have my uterus. I won.

But now every time I think about having a kid I have so many mixed emotions. I have a 1 in 100 cancer of getting fucking cancer again. Truth is I'd rather die than get more chemo. So do I want a kid bad enough to risk it? Do the benefits outweigh the risk? Everyone I know wants us to have kids. We'd be awesome parents, there's no question. But right now I'm so, so incredibly happy we don't have kids. I get to be selfish. I get to buy whatever I want and my free time is mine. I only have to worry about myself and I love it. I've come to the realization that, at least right now, I only want kids because it's what is expected of you me. I can't do that to myself.

I don't know what future bmel wants. I only know how I feel now and right now I'm perfectly happy with how things are going. I plan to stop every so often and reevaluate my feelings to see if they have changed. Really that's the only thing I can do. The type A planner in me wants to have all the answers and plan accordingly, but that's just not possible. So I figured out what I want now and I'm working towards those goals. I don't know what my life will be like in 5 years and that's okay.

2/17/2019 12:29:51 AM

Geppetto
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Man that’s heavy. So sorry bmel

2/17/2019 2:56:55 PM

Jeepin4x4
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Quote :
"I've come to the realization that, at least right now, I only want kids because it's what is expected of you me. I can't do that to myself."


you shouldn't feel guilty about feeling that way.




I think one of the hardest things, for me, about currently being childfree is expanding my social circle. It seems counter intuitive- we don't have kids so we should be able to do what we want when we want. And for the most part that is true. But sometimes it's actually more difficult than I thought, especially as a couple trying to meet other childfree couples that are interested in something other than drinking.

2/18/2019 8:55:31 AM

BigMan157
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i only want kids to take care of me when i'm an old man, a dog will do otherwise

2/18/2019 9:43:00 AM

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