So we're inviting friends of the family who happen to have 3 older kids (16, 21, 24) who we aren't really close to. If we invite the parents, is it assumed that the kids are included even though they're older, and if the kids ARE invited, is it assumed that they bring dates?

We're having a small wedding, so it's the difference between 2 and 8 people. What is the polite protocol on this one?

3/1/2008 10:55:08 AM

just invite the adults. you don't have to invite the kids. it is your wedding.

3/1/2008 11:00:06 AM

I can see the kids coming, but it would be ridiculous to expect them to bring dates.

[Edited on March 1, 2008 at 11:05 AM. Reason : note: not ridiculous for you to worry about it, but ridiculous on their part if they actually wanted]

3/1/2008 11:04:57 AM

cuz it is ridiculous for a 24 year old to possibly want to bring a long-term sig. other to a 23 year olds wedding.

[Edited on March 1, 2008 at 11:22 AM. Reason : ,]

3/1/2008 11:21:12 AM

just invite the adults on the invitation - if you don't put "and family" then you can expect them to not come - they probably don't want to at those ages nyways unless it's free alcohol

3/1/2008 12:19:06 PM

ok...i just wasn't sure if it would be rude to be like "Just your family." Nice to know though!

3/1/2008 2:04:04 PM

We ended up having to do that to a few people, even invited like one or two of the kids when the family had four or more kids. Cause if you invited them all that'd be a small army.

3/1/2008 2:09:46 PM

^^^^ It is ridiculous when he's not inviting them specifically. If I invite my friend to my wedding, then yeah, I would love for them to bring their sig. other, but if I invite some of my parents friends, then its kinda reasonable to expect them to maybe bring the kids, but for their kids to bring their significant others to the wedding, rolling up with like 8 fucking people off of one invitation, noone in their right mind would do that without clearing, except inconsiderate assholes.

3/1/2008 7:13:54 PM

Omit the kids' names from the invite - Ideally they then do not bring the kids, but it is reasonable to expect that it might happen anyway. Def not cool for the kids to bring significant others if you didn't invite them and don't know them (the kids, as well as the significant others).

3/1/2008 9:01:45 PM

IMO I'd just write for a single person 'you and a guest' or for a couple 'mr. and mrs. x' are invited with no mention of guests or family. Most people would get it, but unless you are explicit (and essentially blunt) there'll always be a few that bring a couple others not originally invited.

3/2/2008 1:22:02 AM

I've seen it done like this:

"we invite mr. and mrs. X"

then say "kindly rsvp with the total # of guests attending, including children"

and then have a blank for ____ guests attending; on the rsvp card


that way YOU dont have to decide-- they can be like, "uhhhh jimmy bob you can just stay home it's cool" and no worries all around. eh?

3/2/2008 8:51:15 AM

The rsvp card is the wrong way to go about it. You would have to personalize each card and people could get confused and not see that there are just two spots.

People realize who is invited by the envelope. It is then there decision to be rude and try to bring more. There is no social requirement that you invite an entire household in this situation, especially when you just know the parents.

People will try to bring more people than were invited. Most call and expect that it be ok. You will also be surprised how many people RSVP yes and then do not show up.

3/2/2008 9:29:40 AM

I just kind of am freaking out over #'s. I want to keep my wedding at around 80, and we're averaging about $60 a person so far (With no cake, flowers, or booze counted yet), so an extra 6 people would make a huge difference for my dad's wallet.

I'm just being very careful since the friends are friend's of the groom and his family, and I don't want his parents to get mad at me over something like this.

[Edited on March 2, 2008 at 10:13 AM. Reason : ...]

3/2/2008 10:12:28 AM

I have a thought on this since I am going through the same situation.

We have limited each parent set to 40 invites and my fiance and I get 40. (minus the wedding party)We expect about 130.........to show up. I do not care how they spend their 40 and have told them so. They have revised their list at least 10 times. All I said was the list has to be given to me on X date.

You could do something similar. We also are not letting anyone bring guests unless they meet one of two requirements.....

1. Engaged to the person
2. Dated the person for at least 1 year prior to the wedding

You have to stick to the decision. My brother has started dating someone and if he is still dating her they may be dating for 6-7 months and unfortunately she will not be getting an invite because IF YOU BREAK THE RULE FOR ONE PERSON, ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE. Seriously.

A side note about the booze. Our caterer negotiated this contract with us where we had to use their bartender, but we could supply the drinks (BOGO coke 2L, wine, kegs, Capri Sun, etc.) She is making a Champagne punch for the toast and that is it. It is saving us big $$$. I mean most place charge like 4-12 hour for an open soda/ alcohol bar per person and I am guessing we will end up spending like 6-8 pp for the night.

[Edited on March 2, 2008 at 10:31 AM. Reason : I graduate from SPS also.....lol. I am 24 but I graduated 5 years ago.]

3/2/2008 10:30:06 AM

that sounds very draconian.

3/3/2008 7:40:08 AM

^^ if I was your brother (i.e. close family, not an old college buddy or something) and I could not bring by girlfriend of 7 months I would be pissed at you

and:

Quote :

"IF YOU BREAK THE RULE FOR ONE PERSON, ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE."

no, it doesn't, really.
i went through this whole process about 4 years ago, planning for the wedding and reception, and spent a lot of time hand-wringing over who's coming and who's not and where we sit and what music is playing and all that. But after the fact? None of that stuff really mattered. And my biggest regret now is running into long time friends from high school or college that I realized weren't invited. If I had to do it again, I would err on the side of inviting too many people, especially knowing that some won't come anyway.

[Edited on March 3, 2008 at 8:41 AM. Reason : .]

3/3/2008 8:37:16 AM

Only a select few children were invited to our wedding, an evening wedding.

3/3/2008 8:49:15 AM

^^ i have to agree. treating your immediate family like any other 'guest' is over the top. now if you mad exceptions for just other guests then yes i could see their point. but not letting your brother is a bit too much.

3/3/2008 9:04:49 AM

Two things:

1) If I remember correctly, our wedding planner stated that we should expect 2/3 of the people we invite to attend. This was for a rather large wedding, with a little less than 200 people attending. She further stated that the smaller your wedding, generally the greater percentage of your invitees that will attend. Of course, you have to think about your individual invitation list and what you expect. We had more like 75% attendance.

This is just to say, although at some point there is a cutoff when figuring the invitation list, you may realize you have a bit more flexibility than you thought. Some people will never understand etiquette no matter how clearly you spell it out in an invitation, and some people will do everything right until it comes time to actually show up. Things tend to even out. On top of that, don't expect anyone attending to question your guest list. While it is rude to bring an uninvited guest to a wedding, it is infinitely more rude to confront a host about why another guest is attending.

2) In regards to "IF YOU BREAK THE RULE FOR ONE PERSON, ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE", in general, I guess you can't argue with the logic. If the rule is broken, even once, it is no longer a "rule". However, I would tell any couple planning a wedding that your mantra should be like Cartman on Maury - "Whateva! I do what I want!" This is YOUR wedding. You should do what makes you happy and not give a damn about what people think. It is just my opinion, but I think immediate family should have a different set of rules apply.

3/3/2008 9:11:59 AM

"an extra 6 people would make a huge difference for my dad's wallet"

"I'm just being very careful since the friends are friend's of the groom and his family, and I don't want his parents to get mad at me over something like this"

If you guys are being traditional and having your parents foot the entire bill, then it's not really up to the groom's family when it comes to financing-stretching issues like this. It's totally appropriate to consider their wants for the wedding, but if it's going to put a strain on your budget you have to keep in mind that it's your budget to begin with.

3/3/2008 9:35:07 AM

Quote :

"You have to stick to the decision. My brother has started dating someone and if he is still dating her they may be dating for 6-7 months and unfortunately she will not be getting an invite because IF YOU BREAK THE RULE FOR ONE PERSON, ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE. Seriously."

you sound like a cunt. I know this is the lounge, but I mean it.

3/3/2008 9:43:45 AM

The easiest way to remedy this is have the wedding someplace far away, like on a tropical island or in Vegas. Then the parents, won't likely bring their children....and they might not even come which will save you money and they most likely will just send a card with some money.

Then just tape the ceremony and upload the video Youtube or something and grant it permission privileges if you don't want the world to see it. Send it to those that could not make it but still gave wedding gifts.

3/3/2008 9:47:23 AM

so its going to save them money to fly all the immediate family to a tropical island?

3/3/2008 10:04:48 AM

I was the same way in regards to numbers and the cost per person. I am glad you are trying to be sensitive to your future husband's family. I wish I had been a little more sensitive in regards to his list (I was not that bad)

I would plan for everyone attending that you invite, just to prepare yourself for fewer freak outs.

As for flowers, you do not need that many for the reception. We used a lot of greenery/berries and saved a lot of money (it fit our look). A simple wedding cake won't be too much. If you can buy your own booze, you will be fine. I served $4 a bottle trader joe wine (tried several out first) and purchased beer from costco.

I do recommend getting an insurance rider for your wedding day, in case someone drives drunk. I think it was $100 for $5 million worth of coverage and it was added to my dad's homeowners for an entire year.

We invited over 200 and had slightly over 100 attend. It was out of town for most of our guests.

I highly recommend Reaves Engraving (google it) for invitations. They are very reasonable compared to what else is available and are very high quality. A lot of people make their own, but after working in a stationary store, the thought brought back nightmares

3/3/2008 10:38:45 AM

If you think this situation is bad, just have an "Adults Only" wedding/reception and watch people flip their lids!!

3/3/2008 12:29:46 PM

Quote :

"My brother has started dating someone and if he is still dating her they may be dating for 6-7 months and unfortunately she will not be getting an invite because IF YOU BREAK THE RULE FOR ONE PERSON, ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE. "

My brother is getting married in July and his fiance also made this little rule. I was horribly offended, because I'm not just any other "guest". I'm his only sister. My mother, who is putting in a considerable amount of her own money, said "Fuck her...you have our permission to bring ______. Hell, you have our permission to bring whoever you want".


Moral of the story: My brothers fiance (who I used to like ALOT) lost some respect in my view, and you shouldn't piss off future family members.

3/3/2008 1:07:05 PM

Quote :

"just invite the adults. you don't have to invite the kids. it is your wedding."

3/3/2008 1:25:03 PM

Quote :

"you shouldn't piss off future family members."

3/3/2008 1:25:15 PM

^^^ This is a prime example of the type of problem that arises so often in wedding planning. Two families are coming together to try and plan and execute an important and inherently emotional event. Relatively small problems are magnified because the decisions leave lasting impressions. Planning a wedding is a very difficult thing, especially for a young couple. I think any couple comes out of wedding planning stronger if they go about things the right way.

In the example above, you and or your family need to be able to talk to your brother. He then needs to be able to talk with his fiancee honestly and directly about the situation. Then, TOGETHER they have to come to a decision which they TOGETHER defend to his family, her family, whomever. I know money, who is paying for what, etc. etc. always complicates matters, but if the two individuals who wish to be married can't take control of the situation, it doesn't bode well for the difficult decisions that have to be made together in the future.

If a genuine discussion were to happen, chances are they could work something out if your brother was able to show the importance of your (and his) concern. The most important result, however, is that even if you choose to use that decision to judge character, you must judge them together. The as you stated unfortunate derisiveness and blame towards only one individual would be eliminated.

[Edited on March 3, 2008 at 1:43 PM. Reason : ]

3/3/2008 1:42:44 PM

to avoid having children at our wedding, we decided to put the following on the invitation:

"Please celebrate with them at an Adult Reception immediately following ceremony."

this way, the whole "No Kids" thing is sort of understood. also, the inner envelopes were addressed to "Mr and Mrs X" and not "The X Family". i read through hundreds of wedding etiquette websites and this is the way to go.

also, typically if the kids live with the parents who are being invited, then they're probably going to expect to attend. however, if those kids live elsewhere (and i'm assuming the 21 and 24 yr olds don't live at home) then they will more than likely not expect to attend.

3/3/2008 6:58:53 PM

Quote :

""Please celebrate with them at an Adult Reception immediately following ceremony." "

Are there strippers and dildos at this event? sign me up!

3/3/2008 8:35:55 PM

i dont think Grandma Jean would appreciate that

however, i think my mom would have a blast!

3/3/2008 8:48:34 PM

Consider

I am the oldest of 5 and my fiance is the oldest of 4. So by allowing that 1 person, I could ultimately be responsible for an additional her + 6 guests which is 6% of my total wedding guest count.

His mom is the oldest of 9 my dad the baby of 4.

My fiance is the oldest of 27 1st cousins on just his mom's side and they all live within 2 hours. It continues.

I had stated this when I was engaged being completely upfront with everyone since we are footing the cost of this wedding. Everybody is on the same side- my mom, his mom, and us.

They have been dating since the superbowl Sunday and my invitations are going out a tad bit early but he will get a "guest" at 4 months. So I am expected to pay for a total stranger, after 120 days of dating.

In this particular case, I am not being unreasonable. I know my brother well enough that this in the long run will not matter. If he is engaged to her, that would be completely different story. I am not kicking out a family member for a stranger. He will have many cousins and such to hang out with that he hasn't seen in ages.

If he was the only sibling or we has 3 amongst us, I probably would be more lenient.

[Edited on March 3, 2008 at 8:52 PM. Reason : ]

3/3/2008 8:50:52 PM

Talked to my fiances parents. They were a tad put out, but understanding when I explained that my parents and I were cutting out some of our friends in order to keep the reception small.

As far as adults, I just got some babysitters to stay at one of the hotel rooms and take care of anyone under the age of 13. I figure the parents wouldn't mind getting away from their ankle biters for a night.

3/3/2008 9:38:12 PM

I probably wouldn't have been so offended if her family wasn't alloted 2/3 of the invitations. Also, the 1/3 my brother had he had to stretch, inviting great aunts and uncles we haven't seen in 10 years.

3/4/2008 9:13:12 AM

Quote :

"In this particular case, I am not being unreasonable. "

Yea you are. I wouldn't even go to your wedding if I were your brother. If you asked why I'd say I was saving a stingy bitch some money.

3/4/2008 9:18:48 AM

Quote :

"mother, ....., said "Fuck her"

sounds like they will get along great

i know how that can be

3/4/2008 9:25:36 AM

Quote :

"In this particular case, I am not being unreasonable. "

Yea you are. I wouldn't even go to your wedding if I were your brother. If you asked why I'd say I was saving a stingy bitch some money.

3/4/2008 9:33:20 AM

yeah, concerning the brother-with-a-new-girlfriend situation - if they are still together when the wedding comes around, then I would say yes, of course she can come. If they break up before then, no biggie. you just saved $60

3/4/2008 9:46:13 AM

Quote :

"In this particular case, I am not being unreasonable."

Agreed, having a $2,000 TV is far more important than family.

message_topic.aspx?topic=517042

3/4/2008 10:47:03 AM

ahaha

3/4/2008 12:16:39 PM

The decision to not allow guests at less than a year's notice was not Amelia's. It was a careful combination of the logistics of the wedding, and our desire to keep the wedding small.

It is not unreasonable, despite any opinion of Smath's to the contrary. Although I DID almost die from the burning need to hear what he says should happen at my own wedding. I'm so glad to have the contribution.

The reception area has limited space, and we're pushing the fire codes already. It is primarily NOT a monetary situation. Not that it's anyone's business, but I am not having any problems paying for an extra person, or 50 for that matter. My baby wants a small wedding, so that's what she gets.

In any case, just from the logical stand point, where would you draw the line? If not a year, when? Half a year? 30 days? Should the invitations have been sent out or not? Should someone call us up the day OF the wedding to INFORM us an additional guest is coming?

3/4/2008 1:37:11 PM

no shit guys, he can just sell more of his 18k dookie links and magic cards for cash if he wants more guests!

message_topic.aspx?topic=516503

[Edited on March 4, 2008 at 1:53 PM. Reason : what is your life about????]

3/4/2008 1:52:32 PM

The TV is a gift with a 2k spending limit- it shouldn't make a difference on this conversation.

I was talked into a non destination wedding and was promised a small quaint wedding at home. We can all agree 120 people is not small, but I am not going to make it any larger.

I will have a heart to heart with my brother and I know he loves me enough to respect my decision. Should the tables be turned and I wanted to bring my special friend after a few months to an out of town wedding and he would have said no I would understand.

Eddie did bring up the fact we specifically got a venue with a fire code limit of the 120 people I wanted to attend as I did not want it to get out of hand.

That is all I have to say. I probably wouldn't be friends with people so shallow that they couldn't respect their siblings wishes.

I want to share my special day with people I know and love, not ones I haven't met.

3/4/2008 5:04:39 PM

we really only had this problem at our wedding rehearsal because we both have decent sized families - we didn't let the wedding party bring their SO unless they were engaged or out of town because with our families and wedding party we ended up with 65 people coming and the place only held 70 total

we had 225ish at the wedding though and i'm glad we didn't have to deal with telling people no - i wish we could have done it at the rehearsal dinner as well but it just didn't work out that way

3/4/2008 5:13:38 PM

Quote :

"I probably wouldn't be friends with people so shallow that they couldn't respect their siblings wishes."

I probably wouldn't be friends with people so shallow that they couldn't respect their siblings significant others.

3/4/2008 5:19:12 PM

I love my brother and my whole family.
That is really what matters.
This will not break my family apart.
We respect each other.


I can only hope that one day you will have someone that cares for you.


I can only hope that one day you will have someone that cares for can tolerate you.

Happy Wedding MeatStick!

3/4/2008 6:11:31 PM

I'm getting married in september, and we are even letting our siblings bring dates!!!!

3/5/2008 9:02:18 AM

...And when that happens you'll probably have to stop spending so much time on TWW. Whatever will you do??

You know, my posts are probably longer than yours on average, primarily because I try to post only when I have something useful (or at least tentative to the thread) to say. I would say, however that I average almost a minute of my life spent on each post, after reading the previous responses, waiting for the post screen to load, typing, and actually posting the reply.

If your average is close, then you have spent twelve HUNDRED hours of your life on this stupid forum. Doesn't your fiance ever want to spend time with you too?

What difference does it make how many siblings' guests attend your wedding...if you divorce her 2 years later because you spend too much time on TWW?

3/5/2008 12:50:54 PM

ok, start slinging insults. "OMG YOU'VE ACCUMULATED A LOT OF POSTS FOR THE 6+ YEARS YOU HAVE BEEN ON TWW!"

What I have said still stands. You and your woman are both being cunts for not allowing her brother to bring a date. If you would pull your head out of her ass you would realize that it's a time to share a special occasion, not to prove a point by strictly adhering to some arbitrary rule you made up.

[Edited on March 5, 2008 at 1:05 PM. Reason : ]

3/5/2008 1:04:22 PM