knock em down

8/6/2008 11:21:59 AM

Quote :

"when i masterbate, i like to call myself a dirty slut out loud and i shove a tooth brush down my throat to make myself gag while i climax."

ahahahahaha

8/6/2008 11:43:08 AM

Quote :

"MC with my pool stalker - w4m - 23 (NCSU, Carmichael gym) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Reply to: pers-785295769@craigslist.org Date: 2008-08-06, 10:57AM EDT Dear middle-aged, pudgy, asian man, I recently began swimming laps every morning in a vain attempt to shrink my thighs down a pant size, and thus back into the single digits, but let me tell you, doing laps for thirty minutes is soooo boring. Or at least it was, until there was you… You, in your tiny, short, red swim trunks that tease and make the imagination run wild (whether you want it to or not). You caught my eye immediately. I must say, I was smitten. And then, to my delight, you chose the lane next to me! As a girl only beginning her workout regimen, I was feeling insecure in my athletic swimsuit. You, however, changed all that. Your loving attention day after day brought my self-esteem to soaring heights, and your devotion was flattering. You even chose not to swim, but rather to stand at the end of your lane watching me do my laps. When you began rubbing your belly in a sexy and suggestive way, I had to struggle to control myself. Your seductive skills know no match, sir. When you chose, once every ten laps or so, to join me in one, I barely held myself back from jumping into your lane and molesting you. Sure, you’re the creepiest person I’ve yet had the pleasure to meet, but you know what? I dig that. It turns me on. You could have smiled at me or said “hello” at any time, but had you chosen to do so, you would not have been nearly as creepy, and my attraction to you would vanish. But no missed connections have been posted about me. Was I being presumptuous? Surely a figure of manliness like you could not be interested in me, a petite, recently married girl in her early twenties. So I had to come up with a test. I had plenty of evidence that you were as smitten as I was. You chose the lane next to me every day. You watched me, unblinking, whenever I reached the end of the lane and surfaced for air or to adjust my suit or goggles. You even patiently waited one day for the lane next to me to open up, even though there were others available. But how to be sure? So one fateful morning, on a day when the pool was luckily mostly empty, I began my workout like usual. And like clockwork, you appeared; my Adonis. Did I imagine the spotlight and swirling fog? Were you really moving in slow motion with Marvin Gaye playing in the background? Probably not, but it seemed so to me. As you splashed into the lane next to me, I put my devious plan into action. I moved over a lane, my heart aflutter, with bated breath (granted, my breath was bated because I was underwater, but still). I nearly fainted from happiness when you followed me. Could it be true? Out of either a desire to tease you or to test you further, I do not know which, I moved again. With dizzying elation, I watched you move over with me. Now in the deep end, you watched me do my laps while clinging to the edge of the pool, rubbing your belly like an erotic buddha. But my passion for you scared me, and I feared that you might cause me to be unfaithful to my husband. So I was forced to switch to another gym to avoid you. But I still think of you everyday, creepy middle-aged man. Dare I hope that you think of me too? Yours always, Your pool stalkee Location: NCSU, Carmichael gym it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests PostingID: 785295769"

http://raleigh.craigslist.org/mis/785295769.html

8/6/2008 2:11:09 PM

Damn, that's creepy as fuck.

8/6/2008 2:52:54 PM

aha!

that's great

8/6/2008 3:25:34 PM

I used to work at carmichael and there are a looottt of creepy stalker guys there

8/6/2008 4:14:36 PM

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lax/182862349.html

Quote :

"DO NOT EAT PRINGLES FAT FREE POTATO CHIPS. THEY WILL GREASE YOUR ASS. Date: 2006-07-17, 2:10AM PDT Don't even fucking say a word. I like potato chips, and can't eat them very much or I'll get fat. I tried out these Pringles Fat-Free chips because they were super low-cal. BBQ flavor. the fuck. The can said they had 70 calories per serving, which meant the whole can had 490 calories inside total. I could munch through a can in a day with my lunch, dinner, etc. So I got several cans, and began enjoying one a day for the past four days. But what they dont fucking tell you... Except in tiny print you cant read without a fucking electron microscope ...is that the primary ingredient is something called "olean" which I have since learned is Latin for "Unwashable & Indestructible Ass Grease." Oh Yeah. I'm not even kidding. So today, while I'm standing in the living room debating whether or not Laundry or Dishes will get done first, I get the urge to fart. I live alone, so sweet. I let the honk loose and its wrong. Something just sounded wrong. I know my own wind, and I have never farted a sound that sounded like a fart wrapped in a pillow. Oh yes, something was very wrong. I had just shat myself. But this evil olean makes shitting yourself sound almost like a regular fart, and had I not been particularly attentive, it could easily have gone unnoticed, I'm telling you. THAT's how utterly covert and evil this olean stuff is. What the fuck?! What if I'd gone out to hang with friends or gone for a drive, what then? So I walk carefully to the bathroom and disrobe. before I even sit on the toilet, I wad paper and carefully wipe from the front. Sure enough, it was light brown, and had the texture of soft spackle. You fucking Pringle bastards. I sat down and pushed a bit, and lo, out came a jet that I didnt even feel an urge for one minute earlier. It piled in the bowl like brown marshmallow fluff. The problem rose when I tried to wipe. I went through a whole fucking roll of TP and could not get it all off me. So. I jumped in the shower. Yep, its gross, but it had to be done. There I stood, water pouring down, cheeks spread, and using my own hand to make certain I'm clean. That was when I discovered that after using my hand to wipe myself (before I soaped the area) my hand came back covered in some sort of transparent grease. It was so fucking foul. The grease made water bead off my hand. It was tacky too, and very difficult to manage. So I grabbed the bar of saop and went to work. You fucking Pringle bastards. The bar of soap came away coated in grease as well, and would no longer wash. I had to turn the water to hot and massage the soap for five minutes to get it to the point where I could use it again. It took me an hour to get the fucking grease off my pucker. I shudder to think of what its doing INSIDE ME right now, but I will damned sure never eat that shit again. Fucking Pringle bastards. This is where the joke about "anal leakage" came from. its real. Fuck Pringles. "

8/6/2008 9:19:39 PM

i never went to carmichael because bitches were stalking me all the time

8/6/2008 9:20:48 PM

Quote :

"The problem rose when I tried to wipe. I went through a whole fucking roll of TP and could not get it all off me."

hahaha

8/6/2008 9:22:48 PM

http://raleigh.craigslist.org/wan/786299119.html

Maybe if your wife knew what a grocery store was, and taht they sell soda, yall would have an easier time affording something like this.

8/7/2008 9:41:37 AM

Quote :

"Lol"

8/7/2008 10:01:54 AM

^x5 olean wtf? i think this guy means olestra

[Edited on August 7, 2008 at 11:16 AM. Reason : 5]

8/7/2008 11:15:58 AM

^^^she sounds like a total bitch. do they not realize that you still have to buy the syrup and carbonated water? some people are fucking retarded.

8/7/2008 11:17:34 AM

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/cht/654534964.html

8/7/2008 4:22:16 PM

Quote :

"Reply to: pers-787723007@craigslist.org Date: 2008-08-07, 10:28PM EDT If Agree With The Profile EMAIL ME And Let Me Know. Hello My Name Is Amy Smith And I Am Looking For A Guy My Age Witch Is 36 Years Old And Whom Is Base On Trust And No Lies! I'm Also Looking For A Man Whom Can Trust Me When I Say That I'm At The Place I'm At And Can Also Trust Me That If There Are Male's There At The Place I'm At The Guy That I'm With Whom Is My Boyfriend Can Trust Me That I'm Not Seeing Or Dating No One But Him And If There Are Male Guy's At The Place I'm At That We Are Just Friends And Nothing More! Because I Know That The Guy On Here That Chooses Me For A Date Or Pre-say To Become My Boyfriend Has Male And Also Has Girls That Are The Guy Whom Becomes My Boyfriend Has The Girls/Guys As There Friends Or Best Friends As Well As I Do. And Will Not Fine That As A Problem. Because If You Cannot Trust Me Then You Do Not Need To Be With Me. As The Same If I Cannot Trust You Then I Do not Need To Be With You. So It Dose Work Two Ways. WIll Meet My Step-Father And Real Mother On First Date And Loves To Go To Church And And Has The Truth In Him. And Will Not Say I'm Seeing Other Men When I'm Out With Family And Friends Or Church Friends. And Will Let Me Go And Come As I Please With Family And Friends And My Church Family And Friends. And Will Not Have To Call Him Every 3 To 4 Minutes Just Becuse He Will Not Trust Me When I say Where I Am And Has Faith Also In Me When There Will Be Male And Female Around And Trust That If We Do Go Out I'm Not Datting Them. And That We Are Just Friends And Nothing Else! Just I Was To Trust You Have Male And Female Friends Or At A Place Where There Are Male And Female There. "

Ouch.

And the pictures:


+ a unicorn and teddy bear.

8/8/2008 9:56:48 AM

Quote :

"^x5 olean wtf? i think this guy means olestra"

im pretty sure its the same thing

8/8/2008 10:30:17 AM

First Letter Capitalization And No Punctuation FTL

8/8/2008 10:36:59 AM

^ There's a couple of periods in there. ...somewhere.

8/8/2008 2:01:36 PM

Quote :

"So It Dose Work Two Ways."

The dose will work two ways? So she can get twice the drugs out of one dose. This is like, jesus or something.

8/8/2008 2:03:00 PM

^^^^
Yep, Olestra is the fat substitute and Olean is the actual brand name.

8/8/2008 3:41:58 PM

I hate people.
http://raleigh.craigslist.org/pet/790761329.html

Quote :

"Reply to: comm-790761329@craigslist.org Date: 2008-08-10, 11:15AM EDT Hi we have a cat that we have to give up. She has become very jealous that we have a child in the house now and we had to make her an outdoor cat. My neighbor called the animal police on us cuz the cat keeps going in their yard. I Have tried to make her an indoor cat again and she has been urinating on my stuff. DOes anyone know of a place I can leave her or want her? we meet to get rid of her now. "

8/10/2008 11:35:24 AM

http://raleigh.craigslist.org/tag/791180322.html

Quote :

" 33 Systems & almost 500 games"

8/10/2008 11:17:26 PM

Quote :

"Someone please help me -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: 2004-10-18, 10:34AM EDT Seriously, what the hell is wrong with me? I vowed not to pay attention to Game 4. I went to my buddy's house for the Pats game and the 4 o'clock games. I got my weekly dose of perfection from watching my favorite football team win again. Then I drove back to my girlfriend's house where I promised myself it would be a night of American Dreams and Law & Order. I would not get upset. I would not work myself into a murderous frenzy, I would not watch the game and I would not continue to hold out hope for the 2004 season. I walked into my girlfriend's house, grabbed the remote, and switched from Brittany Snow's cute mug to stare an ugly sweep in the face. My girlfriend marched upstairs cursing me the whole way. I thought we were dead in the bottom of the 9th. Down one, facing the best closer I've ever seen. Not good. Millar gets on, Roberts pinch runs and visions of Dale Sveum single handedly ending our season start popping into my head. Now I'm a little superstitious (read CRAZY) so I was standing on top of the couch when the inning started. Why? I don't know. It didn't work when I watched from the bathroom or laid on the living room floor with my pants off for an inning, that's why. So standing on top of the couch was the next logical step. Then Roberts got on and I knew my couch standing tactics must be working. But it wasn't enough, I needed more. I looked around for something, anything to bring the team luck. In a panic stricken and desperate state, I grabbed my girlfriend's cat and held it while standing on the couch. Then my cell phone rang (which woke my girlfriend up) and it was my brother and father watching the game together as Mueller prepared for his at-bat. I noticed I couldn't hear the TV in the background and asked them why. They had spent the game wrestling with their own superstitions. They were currently standing on the back porch watching the game through the window for good luck. My brother also was carrying around his lucky bat, and had unscrewed the broom handle (to avoid the sweep obviously) and was carrying that around with him too. My poor father, who is now at the age where he truly thinks he'll be dead before this team wins it all) was carrying around the foul ball that he caught at Fenway in 1970 as well as his lucky penny. He swears this penny brought the Patriots their last Super Bowl win. He walks around holding it while quietly chanting "Power of the penny, power of the penny" to himself. Poor bastard. So my brother and my father are calling me from outside of their house while watching the game through the window, holding a bat, a broomstick, a ball and a penny while I was standing on my girlfriend's couch holding her cat and wearing my lucky Tedy Bruschi jersey that hasn't been washed in well over a year. Craziness. But we stayed that way til the 12th and Ortiz won it, just to torture us with a loss down the road. And victory came with a price because my girlfriend's pissed at me for waking her up and her fucking cat really clawed the hell out of my arms. Seriously, does anyone else know what it's like to be this way? Someone please help me. this is in or around nutcase Red Sox fan"

hehe

8/11/2008 12:10:32 PM

Quote :

"Reply to: pers-787723007@craigslist.org Date: 2008-08-07, 10:28PM EDT If Agree With The Profile EMAIL ME And Let Me Know. Hello My Name Is Amy Smith And I Am Looking For A Guy My Age Witch Is 36 Years Old And Whom Is Base On Trust And No Lies! I'm Also Looking For A Man Whom Can Trust Me When I Say That I'm At The Place I'm At And Can Also Trust Me That If There Are Male's There At The Place I'm At The Guy That I'm With Whom Is My Boyfriend Can Trust Me That I'm Not Seeing Or Dating No One But Him And If There Are Male Guy's At The Place I'm At That We Are Just Friends And Nothing More! Because I Know That The Guy On Here That Chooses Me For A Date Or Pre-say To Become My Boyfriend Has Male And Also Has Girls That Are The Guy Whom Becomes My Boyfriend Has The Girls/Guys As There Friends Or Best Friends As Well As I Do. And Will Not Fine That As A Problem. Because If You Cannot Trust Me Then You Do Not Need To Be With Me. As The Same If I Cannot Trust You Then I Do not Need To Be With You. So It Dose Work Two Ways. WIll Meet My Step-Father And Real Mother On First Date And Loves To Go To Church And And Has The Truth In Him. And Will Not Say I'm Seeing Other Men When I'm Out With Family And Friends Or Church Friends. And Will Let Me Go And Come As I Please With Family And Friends And My Church Family And Friends. And Will Not Have To Call Him Every 3 To 4 Minutes Just Becuse He Will Not Trust Me When I say Where I Am And Has Faith Also In Me When There Will Be Male And Female Around And Trust That If We Do Go Out I'm Not Datting Them. And That We Are Just Friends And Nothing Else! Just I Was To Trust You Have Male And Female Friends Or At A Place Where There Are Male And Female There. "

ahahahahaha that is fantastic

8/11/2008 12:15:15 PM

I didn't make it past the first sentence. Shit gave me a headache.

8/11/2008 12:28:32 PM

http://raleigh.craigslist.org/w4m/792749576.html

Quote :

"Ready for Love with some that has Herpes too! - 31 (Raleigh)"

8/11/2008 10:13:15 PM

^ i see what you are doing there

[Edited on August 11, 2008 at 10:16 PM. Reason : ha beat me to it]

8/11/2008 10:14:43 PM

you're*

8/11/2008 10:15:05 PM

http://raleigh.craigslist.org/ele/792789486.html

Quote :

"Reply to: sale-792789486@craigslist.org Date: 2008-08-11, 10:20PM EDT WARNING - Don't buy OLin Ross OR880 home theater sold out of a SUV Olin Ross OR1020 DiVinci D6 DiVinci D50 You'll wanna First copy this post and save it, because the scammers will flag this before you finish reading it. Then watch this Fox News report http://www.myfoxla.com/myfox/pages/ContentDetail?contentId=6186502 The speakers sold by the speakermen are of exceptionally poor quality, typically obtained for less than $50 from a local distributor. The speakers themselves have been reported as potentially damaging to any amplifier they are connected to. The risk of damage stems from an impedence curve that in some cases may drop below 2 ohms, which may overheat, short out, or permanently damage an amplifier not designed to handle such loads. Guy in suv or van drives up to you has these $3000 speakers , extras ?? You can have em for a deal you can't pass up . He will try to get you to give him $50 or more up to $1500.00 for these $40 china speakers. Look out for the guy in the suv with the cock and bull story about the extra home theater system he's got to unload. He will tell you it's worth something crazy like 2000 or 3000 dollars show all kinds of crap like receipts , invoices , magazines , ads sheets, etc. He'll even point you to the company website to prove they are worth the 3 grand. Don't be fooled ! So when he lowers his price to $100.00 you'll think you got the deal of a lifetime. $3000 speakers for $ 100 bucks , no you got a crap set of $40 speakers and paid $100 or more for them. Just do a search for "white van speakers" and you'll see that not only are they worth only 40 bucks shipped from china , they may also be UNSAFE and damage your system. Watch out for the speaker guys in suv's or pickup trucks and vans selling home theater equipment. Many of the sales take place in the parking lots of Best Buy, Home Depot, Circuit City , Banks , Carwashes , Gas Stations , Construction sites , etc heck they will even flag you down while you are driving down the road. If you see them, CALL A COP let's get these scumbags off our streets. Get your phone out , Take a PICTURE , get the PLATE number and CALL the Local POLICE !! Law enforcement WILL issue citations, as rarely do the speakerguys obtain the proper permits and license to sell "out of a vehicle". In Pennsylvania, the act of selling white van speakers is punishable by up to five years in prison and up to a fine of $10,000 . Here's one of many reviews I found ... I've been involved in the audio industry for over 25 years, and have to say that these speakers have the worst components I've ever seen. As someone who has built and repaired speakers, and written published audio reviews well before the Internet came around, I am appalled at the chutzpah shown by manufacturers and sellers of this junk. The 'reviews' and 'guides' that speak positively of these things have undoubtedly been posted by those who stand to profit from the sale of these inferior items. Take the Kirsch, Theatre Research, Genesis Media Labs (Genesis PHYSICS was a good brand in the 1980's) and DiVinci speakers, with their glossy ads and websites full of meaningless techno-babble and claims of outrageous 'retail' prices - not that any reputable retailer would carry these dogs. There are good reasons why they are mostly sold out of the back of white vans, and here, where comparison to good equipment is impossible. Most recently peddlers of the Genesis Media Lab and DiVinci's have trumpeted an ad taken out by the company, and purchase of a booth at an electronics show as evidence that this is an established brand-when you have the kind of profit margins based upon $ 50 worth of components in a "$ 3600" package, I suppose you can afford a booth or an ad. Imagine if a peddler of fake Rolexes', or 'Rolex quality' watches posted a website claiming that their junk that cost maybe $ 50 to manufacture is worth thousands - that is basically the case we have here. I've had the opportunity to take apart a number of these speakers, and all I can say is if you read Wikipedia and other search results you obtain from Googling the term "White Van Speakers' or 'White Van Scam' the conclusion that the components are of 'exceptionally poor quality' is well founded. For example, as I write this, there are at least 3 pairs of the "K803 Prodigy" speakers being posted on E Bay for $ 1500 or more, yet superior drivers (the speaker drivers -woofers, tweeters, midranges and the like) can be had for $ 15 or less per driver. The internal electronics such as the crossovers, are by far, the absolute worst I've ever seen in nearly 3 decades as a hobbyist. The DiVinci hucksters have the nerve to advertise their 'high energy crossover', which is a $2 piece of junk - a good crossover is complex, not inexpensive, and is critical to sound quality. Even the glossy cabinets are made of cheap, lightweight wood, whose resonances distort the already awful sound, and lack the internal bracing you will find on quality speakers. The drivers on the Kirsch and DiVinci "$ 3000 pair" (K803- DiVinci 1740-Dahlton- same speaker) are pretty much the same as on another set of these towers sold under an earlier "White Van Scam" name that a friend bought for $ 59 in a local pawn shop- one set of DiVinci's' is listed for $ 2500 buy it now - that is on line piracy. Just for fun, we compared these Kirsch 803 beasts' to a pair of Infinty SM-255's bought off of E Bay for $ 300, using both analogue and digital sources, receivers and high end separate electronics. A sound level meter was used to ensure that the listening occured at the same volume level. One of the girlfriends said it best : the Kirsch sounded like a clock radio compared to the Infinity's and one thought that a clock radio might sound better. Technical measurements confirmed what our ears told us - a ragged response curve that is the worst I've ever seen, bar none. Maybe it was unfair - the Infinity's weigh 77 pounds versus 28 for the Klipsch... er Kirsch - but then the Kirsch is a $ 3000 speaker, the Infinities were $ 1000 new ... the weight alone should tell you just what junk the White Van Speakers are. We also compared the Kirsch with a vintage set of Klipsch KG-3.5's which you can get for around $ 200-250 - needless to say they blew the K-803 Prodigy away. We've also performed listening tests comparing the "$ 2495"- oh please - Kirsch K3 home theatre system to a vintage set of Infinity Qb speakers dating back to the 1980's, which you can buy for $ 150 or so; a Samsung Home Theatre in a box and to Logitech Z-5300 and Klipsch Pro Media 5.1 computer speakers, hooked to a 5.1 receiver via the headphone jack ( a decent option for a small room). Experienced listeners suggested the best use of the Kirsch's was as a boat anchor or firewood, kids unanimously preferred the other sets and as one eloquently put it - ' the fancy ones stink like poo.' You would be much better off with a used set from Energy, Polk, or another quality speaker company. I also had the (dis) pleasure of listening to a set of the "$ 3600" DiVinci's often posted here - even the best electronics cannot make a silk purse out of these sow's ears. We compared the DiVinci 607 model to a Polk RM-6800 5.1 home theater set up that can be had for $ 400 or less- $3200 less than theDiVinci's so called retail value. It was no contest-- as my 12 year old put it 'where did all the instruments go' - there was no category- NONE- imaging, detail, tightness of bass- you name it- where the DiVinci's were remotely competitive. Not only are the speakers unspeakably bad, the 'receivers' included with the DiVinci, Theatre Research, Digital Research and other "White Van Brands' lack even basic AV functions such as Dolby and DTS processing, and HDMI and component video outputs -as well as measuring and sounding horribly - try watching "Master and Commander" with one of these pieces of 'bleep'- a used Denon, Yamaha or Onkyo at any price is light years superior. With profit margins that would make oil companies jealous, I can see where they could now buy ads in magazines - one E Bay posting claims they are an 'established high end speaker' - you would have to be high to consider these anything but the low level junk they are. Scam is not a strong enough term, and these have earned their place on rip-off report.com [list of speakers] Bought speakers out of the back of a van or suv ? We found the guy that's been ripping people off. Robert M Sullivan dob June 03, 1968 Make sure you report this scam to : 1) Local Law enforcement 2) Attorney General 3) City and State Department of Revenue 4) IRS 5) Local TV or Newspapers Most of these SpeakerFleas 1) Do not obtain proper permits to "sell out of a Van" 2) use lies, fraud, trickery and intimidation to make a sale 3) Most do not collect,report or pay their required by law taxes for sales and income Isn't it time we insist that our elected officials put a stop to this scam. Support a law that mandates a minimum fine of $10,000 or 5 years prison Please copy, repost and warn other Some education about DiVinci, Genesis, VOKL & other speaker scams!! http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/White_van_speakers http://www.scamshield.com/Sighting.asp?country=none&state=Colorado&article=1 http://www.myfoxla.com/myfox/pages/ContentDetail?contentId=6186502 http://youtube.com/watch?v=_Zx1V6JpFRY The White Van Speaker SCAM sales people even have their own board: http://speakermen.usersboard.net "

8/11/2008 10:48:57 PM

http://raleigh.craigslist.org/wan/796879785.html

8/14/2008 6:58:11 PM

^bout to make my head explode

i don't even know if he's buying or selling

8/14/2008 7:07:53 PM

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/lbg/796703295.html

Quote :

"HELP SAVE AN OLD MAN'S LIFE-GET 10,000 IN MY WILL (Chelsea) SIGN AN AGREEMENT WITH ME TO SIT WITH A NINETY-TWO YEAR OLD MAN TWO NIGHTS A WEEK FOR 2 YEARS AND RECEIVE 10,000 DOLLARS IN MY WILL. I AM 73 YEARS OLD. WE WILL HAVE THIS NOTARIZED AND SIGNED. THIS IS A SERIOUS OFFER.THE HOURS ARE TO BE 6PM TO 11:30. "

8/17/2008 9:33:55 PM

hmm...I'm down with that. Think I'll go buy a gang of hookers to give him a heart attack.

8/17/2008 9:36:32 PM

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/750541218.html

Quote :

"ALL UTIL. INCLUDED!!! THIS IS THE ONE YOU'VE BEEN WAITING FOR!! Date: 2008-07-11, 2:53AM EDT GORGEOUS 10 x 14 BEDROOM, DRENCHED WITH LOTS OF AFTERNOON SUNLIGHT, GENEROUS CLOSET SPACE, CLEAN BATHROOM, NICE COMMON SPACE AND STORAGE. W/D IN BASEMENT (COIN-OP ALTHOUGH LANDLORD IS IN PROCESS OF MAKING IT FREE!) AND ELEC/COOKING GAS/HI-SPEED INTERNET/TRASH PICK-UP INCLUDED IN RENT. STREET PARKING. CLOSE TO HOSPITALS AND SOME SHOPPING. LIVE WITH TWO QUIET ROOMMATES BOTH STUDENTS (ONE INTERNATIONAL) NO DRINKING/DRUGS, CALM LIVING ENVIRONMENT FOR RIGHT INDIVIDUAL WITH REGULAR HOURS. THERE IS ONE SMALL CATCH THAT HAS NOT BEEN A PROBLEM AT ALL WITH PREVIOUS TENANTS. BEDROOM MUST BE SHARED WITH APPROX. 700 LB. ADULT MALE SILVERBACK GORILLA. THIS IS AN EASTERN LOWLAND GORILLA WHO IS FAIRLY DOCILE ALTHOUGH HE DOES NEED TO "STRETCH HIS LEGS" FROM TIME TO TIME. HE FEEDS ON FRUITS AND LEAVES AND HAS SOMEWHAT OF AN INTENSE SEXUAL APPETITE. BIG KITCHEN WITH BREAKFAST AREA. BEDROOM WINDOWS FACE REAR COURTYARD NO TRAFFIC NOISE! SOMEWHAT LOW CEILINGS BUT GUT RENOVATED WITH HARDWOOD FLOORS AND ORIGINAL MOLDINGS. NOT RAILROAD! SEPARATE ROOMS WITH TWO ENTRANCES. SECOND FLOOR WALK-UP. YEAR LEASE REQUIRED. FIRST AND LAST PLUS SECURITY. TOTAL OF $1155 MOVE-IN COST. THIS WILL NOT LAST. NO BROKERS PLEASE. * Location: BUSHWICK * it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests "

8/18/2008 1:11:37 AM

hooray, best of CL has been updated

Quote :

"Manly Bike for Sale -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: 2008-07-22, 10:18AM PDT Bike for sale What kind of bike? I don't know, I'm not a bike scientist. What I am though is a manly guy looking to sell his bike. This bike is made out of metal and kick ass spokes. The back reflector was taken off, but if you think that deters me from riding at night, you're way wrong. I practiced ninja training in Japan's mount Fuji for 5 years and the first rule they teach about ninja biking is that back reflectors let the enemy know where you are. Not having a rear reflector is like saying "FUCK YOU CAR, JUST TRY AND FIND ME". The bike says Giant on the side because it's referring to my junk, but rest assured even if you have tiny junk that Giant advertisement is going to remain right where it is. I bought this bike for 300 dollars from a retired mercenary that fought in both World War 1 and World War 2 and had his right arm bitten off by a shark in the Phillipines while stationed there as a shark handler. When he sold it to me I had to arm wrestle him for the honor to buy it. I broke his arm in 7 places when I did. He was so impressed with me he offered me to be his son but I thought that was sissy shit so I said no way. The bike has some rusted screws, but that just shows how much of a bad ass you are. Everyone knows rusted screws on a bike means that you probably drove it underwater and that's bad ass in itself. Those screws can be replaced with shiny new ones, but if you're going to go to that trouble why not just punch yourself in the balls since you're probably a dickless lizard who doesn't like to look intimidating. The bike is for men because the seat is flat or some shit and not shaped like a dildo. If you like flat seated bikes you're going to love this thing because it doesn't try to penetrate your ass or anything. I've topped out at 75 miles per hour on this uphill but if you're just a regular man you'll probably top it out at 10 miles per hour. This thing is listed as a street bike which is man-code for bike tank. The bike has 7 speeds in total: Gear 1 - Sissy Gear Gear 2 - Less Sissy Gear Gear 3 - Least Sissy Gear Gear 4 - Boy Gear Gear 5 - Pre-teen Boy Gear Gear 6 - Manly Gear Gear 7 - Big Muscles Gear I only like gear 6 and 7 to be honest. Additionally, this tool of all immense men comes with a gigantic lock to keep it secure. The lock is the size of a bull's testicles and tells people you don't fuck around with locking up your bike tank. It tells would-be-thieves "Hey asshole, touch this bike and I'll appear from the bushes ready to club you with a two-by-four". Bike is for 150 OBO (and don't give me no panzy prices) "

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/765370039.html

oh here's a good one:

Quote :

" *** Girlfriend Potential Test *** Date: 2008-07-20, 10:16PM EDT Instructions: Please answer the questions below as directed in each section. You will be marked for grammar, spelling, cleverness, creativity and boob-size. Please keep in mind that while this is not an application for a job, your performance on this test will be a reflection of your ability to achieve certain positions once out in the real world. When the clock strikes the hour, you may begin. You have sixty minutes to complete the test. Section One: Multiple Choice (Answer All, 5 points) When submitting answers via email, please copy and paste the question and then your answer selection beside it. Q1. Six months into our relationship, I go away to a tropical location with my family for a week over Christmas. This vacation was planned as a family event two years prior to meeting you. This is: a) A great opportunity to get some things done without me around. b) A great opportunity to attempt to sleep with my college roommate and/or my boss. c) A sign that you are probably just a casual thing that I could toss aside at any given moment despite the fact I bought you probably the most thoughtful gift you've ever received and written you a letter for every day that I'll be gone, inciting you to 'Go on the Defensive.' d) Occasion to have a sexy dinner at home the night before I leave, and a mini 'welcome home' party when I get back that’s guest list is just you, me, a bottle of wine and a pack of condoms. Q2. We've talked every night for eight days (not including the dinner/opera show I took you to on Saturday night that was followed by possibly your worst performance in bed ever, or the Monday night that I came over and we spent the evening making Rachel Ray recipes and watching Heroes followed by the best oral sex I've ever given you), with conversation time averaging about an hour per night. On a Thursday night, when on a deadline, I express a need to get off the phone so I can finish some work and go to bed at a reasonable hour. You: a) Express your feelings of devotion in three words or less, then and quickly say goodbye after confirming plans for tomorrow night are still on. b) Say goodbye, but then immediately begin talking about something that we hadn't discussed as thoroughly as is scientifically, legally or religiously possible two nights prior. c) Take that as a sign that I'm abandoning you, and begin to point out that because of it I have commitment issues, that you're clearly not my priority, and then cry. d) Say goodbye, but manage to do it with such menace and venom that I stay on the phone for another three silence filled hours, broken only by fits of gentle weeping and suicide threats. Q3. I'm throwing change at your cleavage, which is readily on display in that loose fitting tank top you wear around my place on Sundays after brunch. Do you: a) Wing the largest of the coins at my head, with an evil glare and then refuse to speak to me for the rest of the day. b) Encourage my behavior, and allow me to purchase Afternoon Delights from you at discount prices. c) Cry. d) Cry and pick a fight with me, taking my actions as a total lack of respect for you and then begin to point out that because of it I have commitment issues, that you're clearly not my priority, and then cry some more. Q4. We're having a fight. You: a) Throw me out of your apartment, then thirty minutes later send 17 texts and attempt to call 13 times in the space of six minutes. b) Give me space when the discussion gets too heated for rational thought, and redress your complaints in a calm manner when we've both had a chance to cool down. c) Flip me the bird. d) Wail on my junk. e) both c and d f) realize that the fight is about nothing, and begin creating fictional problems and make wild accusations about my obsession with material goods and having a wandering eye. g) f, then d, then c. Q5. I play [video games OR tabletop gaming OR fantasy football]. You: a) Want to join in, because it looks like hella fun. b) Leave me to it, in the hopes that I'll leave you a few things to participate in on your own. c) Attempt to get me to quit, and use tactics like nagging, vandalism and emotional sabotage as an effective campaign against what you call my 'nerdy addiction.' d) c, but also include deriding me to your friends. Section Two: True or False (Answer All, 10 points) When submitting answers via email, please copy and paste the question and then your answer selection beside it. Q1. Rationale and Reason are the same thing. Q2. A cheerleader AND/OR schoolgirl outfit is a wardrobe must. Q3. Talking in your 'cute voice' just before you put my balls in my mouth is sexy. Q4. Learning body language and communication cues is important. Q5. 'Anchorman' and 'Superbad' are hilarious movies. Q6. "But it's cute when I do it" should be a legally viable defense. Q7. Chest hair is gross. Q8. Bono is probably the most important political figure of our generation. Q9. Sex is an important part of a relationship, and should be had frequently, often, whenever possible - within moderation, of course. Q10. A relationship is metaphorically a two way street. So is your butt. Section Three: Short Essay. (Answer ONE, 5 points) Please select one of the following questions and answer it as fully as time will allow. Please try and be as descriptive as possible, and where applicable, come up with at least TWO convincing arguments to support your case. Arguments must be backed up with cited evidence, not anecdotal perspective. Q1. If I was a crime-fighting vigilante by night, what efforts would you make to support my cause about the rising threat of evil in this city? Q2. Please come up with a convincing game-plan for having me come shopping with you, keeping in mind my retail oriented attention span is about twelve minutes, and I am prone to wandering after flashing lights and shiny things. Q3. Please argue why you are (do) or are not (do not): 'Down to Earth', 'Have a sense of humor' and 'Laid back'. Bonus if you can include evidence to confirm that you truly do avoid 'head games.' Please submit answers via the email link provided. Please also keep a copy of this test and your answers to submit to future suitors for reference. Remember to ensure your name, number and bra size are clearly written at the top of your paper, and don't forget to attach a photo (3/4 length or full). Location: Uptown it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests "

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/tor/763102764.html

[Edited on August 21, 2008 at 10:15 AM. Reason : moar]

8/21/2008 10:05:30 AM

Quote :

"Q3. Talking in your 'cute voice' just before you put my balls in my mouth is sexy."

then this

Quote :

"You will be marked for grammar"

he loses

[Edited on August 21, 2008 at 11:05 AM. Reason : .]

8/21/2008 10:45:41 AM

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/774158390.html

Quote :

"to the perv who groped me on my way home - w4m Date: 2008-07-29, 12:04AM EDT Me: caucasian, white yoga capris and tan tank top you: Latino, 5'8, in your twenties, sports jersey, short hair, mole on your face. You might have been following me for a while, Mr. Perv, I don't know - I was on the phone with my mother, venting about my roommate situation (we had to find a new one) and my job search (like, I need a job), when you snuck up behind me, and gently squeezed my ass. Not just the top of my ass, but kinda low, kinda close to my you-know-what, if you know what I mean. You know, even my boyfriend needs permission to get that close, so having a perfect stranger attempt access so suddenly, so completely out of the blue, triggered my fight-or-flight response. And I *fight*. Did it hurt when I grabbed your collar and punched you in the head? I'm a little worried that I didn't get enough momentum in my swing to make you feel it, seeing as I'm kinda short (5'2"). But you must have felt bad when you took off running and I chased you down so easily - it's not that you're slow, dude, it's just that I run fast, as you might have suspected from the well-muscled form of my posterior, had you been viewing it with its athletic potential in mind. It was all worth it when you realized you couldn't outrun me and so you stopped with your back to me in shame, and I kicked you in your hole. You might not remember, but I said: "Are you sorry? Are you sorry? Say you're sorry!", and you did. That was great. Then I said: "run on home, you asshole! Run home!" and you did that, too! Ladies, these pervs are cowards who run in fear when confronted with any kind of resistance. They are weak and pathetic. To the two guys who came out of their houses when they heard me yelling - thank you for being so aware and willing to help out-especially - Chris, was it? - who walked me home. It's great to know the people here care about the safety of others. Thanks so much. My mom was really worried, because she heard me start swearing and then the phone went dead (I closed it so I could chase the motherf*cker down) and she thought I had been hit by a car. When I told her what happened, she told me not to be so agro, and pointed out that he could of had a knife or something. True. You're right, mom. But you're unlucky if you're from this neighborhood, Mr. Perv. Cause I'm here ALL THE TIME (no job, remember?) and next time I'll MACE YOUR FACE. "

Quote :

"Q10. A relationship is metaphorically a two way street. So is your butt. "

8/21/2008 10:59:55 AM

haha. the girlfriend test is great

8/21/2008 11:05:53 AM

Quote :

"You know, even my boyfriend needs permission to get that close"

that sucks for her boyfriend...i'd hate to have to ask permission to grab my gf's ass

as it stands, she's flattered when i do it

and i'm flattered when she grabs mine

8/21/2008 11:06:58 AM

Mine always tells me to leave his alone

I can't help it that he's got such a scrumptious butt!

8/21/2008 11:08:00 AM

http://raleigh.craigslist.org/mis/806143867.html

Quote :

"DEATH...The ultimate break-up - m4w (Doesn't matter anymore) Reply to: pers-806143867@craigslist.org Date: 2008-08-21, 8:26AM EDT I never would have imagined that the tender kiss and playful ass pinch you gave me before you left the other night would be the very last offering of your human form. I actually heard the sirens off in the distance as I got out of the shower but it didn't even register to me that my life had suddenly changed so drastically. I saw your mangled car at the intersection where the accident happened when I went out to get a bite to eat. My heart sank when I saw the broken windshield and the thought of how hurt you must be. I told the officer on the scene that I knew who was driving the car and asked if he knew what hospital you were taken to. Apparently its against policy to tell a friend or family member that a person was DOA but I persisted until he gave me the news that I never wanted to hear. I still can't get over the fact that I'll never see your beautiful face again. I can't even attend your services for the fear of our affair being exposed due to the fact of my inconsolable grieving. I wanted so much for you to follow your heart and end your loveless marriage for one that would endure emotionally forever. But now it seems so pointless as neither him nor I will ever have the pleasure of having you to hold...to laugh...to love. I miss you so much that my heart feels heavy in my chest. I will always love you. "

8/21/2008 2:24:29 PM

its hard to feel bad

they were having an affair

8/21/2008 2:34:19 PM

Emailed from a friend in San Francisco:

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/765370039.html

Quote :

"Manly Bike for Sale -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: 2008-07-22, 10:18AM PDT Bike for sale What kind of bike? I don't know, I'm not a bike scientist. What I am though is a manly guy looking to sell his bike. This bike is made out of metal and kick ass spokes. The back reflector was taken off, but if you think that deters me from riding at night, you're way wrong. I practiced ninja training in Japan's mount Fuji for 5 years and the first rule they teach about ninja biking is that back reflectors let the enemy know where you are. Not having a rear reflector is like saying "FUCK YOU CAR, JUST TRY AND FIND ME". The bike says Giant on the side because it's referring to my junk, but rest assured even if you have tiny junk that Giant advertisement is going to remain right where it is. I bought this bike for 300 dollars from a retired mercenary that fought in both World War 1 and World War 2 and had his right arm bitten off by a shark in the Phillipines while stationed there as a shark handler. When he sold it to me I had to arm wrestle him for the honor to buy it. I broke his arm in 7 places when I did. He was so impressed with me he offered me to be his son but I thought that was sissy shit so I said no way. The bike has some rusted screws, but that just shows how much of a bad ass you are. Everyone knows rusted screws on a bike means that you probably drove it underwater and that's bad ass in itself. Those screws can be replaced with shiny new ones, but if you're going to go to that trouble why not just punch yourself in the balls since you're probably a dickless lizard who doesn't like to look intimidating. The bike is for men because the seat is flat or some shit and not shaped like a dildo. If you like flat seated bikes you're going to love this thing because it doesn't try to penetrate your ass or anything. I've topped out at 75 miles per hour on this uphill but if you're just a regular man you'll probably top it out at 10 miles per hour. This thing is listed as a street bike which is man-code for bike tank. The bike has 7 speeds in total: Gear 1 - Sissy Gear Gear 2 - Less Sissy Gear Gear 3 - Least Sissy Gear Gear 4 - Boy Gear Gear 5 - Pre-teen Boy Gear Gear 6 - Manly Gear Gear 7 - Big Muscles Gear I only like gear 6 and 7 to be honest. Additionally, this tool of all immense men comes with a gigantic lock to keep it secure. The lock is the size of a bull's testicles and tells people you don't fuck around with locking up your bike tank. It tells would-be-thieves "Hey asshole, touch this bike and I'll appear from the bushes ready to club you with a two-by-four"."

8/21/2008 7:30:48 PM

Quote :

"Free Computer Support for Women - m4w - 31 (Raleigh, NC Area) Reply to: pers-798794797@craigslist.org Date: 2008-08-15, 10:16PM EDT Hello, I am a technology professional with 14 years of experience. I fix computers on a daily basis. I hold two certifications and I am regarded very highly for my skills. Here is my offer. I will fix your computer problems for free. For home users, this typically involves removing a virus, removing spyware, fixing Windows Blue Screens or setting up a wireless network. the labor will be free. If you need parts or equipment, you will need to purchase that. What do I expect in return? Well, I love seeing women in Lingerie. If you will wear lingerie the whole time I am there, obviously you can answer the door fully clothed, your computer will be fixed for free. While I like flannel for its warmth, I do not like flannel nighties! I appreciate anything that is sexy and revealing. You might also choose to just be topless! When you respond, please tell me the following information: Make/Model of your computer What problem you are having What city do you live in and what you are near What you plan to wear What your availability is I thank you all for reading this and I anxiously await your response! "

http://raleigh.craigslist.org/msr/798794797.html


AHAHAHAHAHA


YEAH
RIGHT

8/24/2008 9:48:58 PM

http://raleigh.craigslist.org/wan/814878457.html

Quote :

"Looking for body armor/ bullet vest (Cary) Reply to: sale-814878457@craigslist.org [?] Date: 2008-08-27, 2:14AM EDT I have to barter: a bass guitar, an antique pistol, 28 NES games and the system and controllers, etc, a computer desk, a pentium II laptop, an ornamental sword, some clothes, other items, ask me. I am going into the Criminal Justice field and will need a vest or other protection soon. All offers will be considered, though I prefer "unused" (i.e. unshot) vests/armor. Location: Cary it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests PostingID: 814878457"

8/27/2008 12:36:08 PM

Quote :

"NERD! - m4w - 45 (Garner) Reply to: pers-816022152@craigslist.org [?] Date: 2008-08-27, 9:40PM EDT Total nerd bastard seeks whatever female for whatever chat and perhaps more later. Looks unimportant. "

ahahahahaha

8/28/2008 2:14:35 PM

http://raleigh.craigslist.org/msr/810744941.html



Aww why the long face

8/28/2008 11:52:58 PM

http://raleigh.craigslist.org/cas/820594482.html

Quote :

"great pics to see guys - w4m (off of Gorman) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Reply to: pers-820594482@craigslist.org [?] Date: 2008-08-31, 3:09AM EDT I have great pics of a good looking slut. Just email me and I will give them to you. Seriously, no bullshit, I am not spam, you will not pay, or any bullshit like that. I go to NC state man. Please hit me up, all I ask is that you pass it along to all your friends please. Location: off of Gorman "

http://www.freewebs.com/josselynmariemartinsheeron/index.htm

[Edited on August 31, 2008 at 4:03 AM. Reason : this chick pissed someone off]

8/31/2008 4:03:06 AM

Quote :

"you left your "vibrating bliss" under my pillow - m4w - 23 (Raleigh) Reply to: pers-826119091@craigslist.org [?] Date: 2008-09-03, 8:22PM EDT So, yes, I know it was fun. We had sex. Great. yay! Yea, i know my 600 threadcount pillowcases are the bomb-diggety-doo. I know that my room was sick, my 70 inch dlp(you probably don't know what that is, but who cares) tv was amazing. Yes, I know you loved watching "The Goonies". Of course it's an awesome movie, it's in my movie collection. I know you loved my bull terrier (Schnarf). Yes, we took a ride on my triumph 675 motorcycle. You wore sandals. Kinda squidly, but i'll forgive you. I'm sure the other guys on the road appreciated the thong. Anyways, after the hurricane of bliss that is myself, and my sexy 160lb, 6ft body with tattoos all over it, came to a roaring end, you forgot one thing. You left your dildo under my pillow. Last night when you whipped it out, i was pretty drunk. And, i'll admit, I was kind of curious about why a girl carries a dildo in her louis vuitton bag. But what you did with it, was insane. So insane, that the fact that it ended up UNDER my beautiful pillow, "blows" my mind. I don't know whether to laugh or cry. Or burn my pillow sheet. peace. "

9/3/2008 9:00:14 PM

set em up

9/3/2008 10:26:25 PM